Married but feelings for someone else for past 18 months

[Blossom4538]

It doesn’t bode well does it. I think about this guy all the time. Nothing has happened.

I care about my lovely H and we’ve been together from a very young age, for forever! Sexless marriage - going on years. I don’t want to hurt anyone and we have children

Still undecided about what to do really..

I think you need to address the sexless marriage issue urgently or else one of you will have an affair. It’s understandable to a degree but everyone will get hurt.

It bodes however you want it to bode. It's very much a British thing to make out that we can't help who we love. We certainly can. We fall in love when we allow ourselves to have inappropriate interactions and when we dwell on crushes. What you are doing is 100% a choice.

You clearly have valid problems in your marriage, but adding the chaos of an affair will not help. There are children involved, and you don't need me to tell you how they'll be affected if you continue along the path you're on. They don't deserve to have to live in chaos while you're cheating and then having drama with their father when found out. They don't deserve to live in poverty if you end up divorcing. They deserve a mother who gives enough of a damn to have self control.

You need to start by addressing the problems in your marriage. If your marriage is sexless and you don't want it to be, have you approached your husband about it? Have to been to the GP and explained how much you both need help if there's a medical impediment? Have you talked this over in the presence of a counsellor? Have you discussed potentially opening up your marriage if no other solution will work?

You are feeding your feelings and that is not fair to your family. You need to be a responsible parent and treat your husband with basic respect and resolve your future in your marriage before looking elsewhere.

@Antst I would never cheat. Not “boding well” referred to the fact that the feelings have been there for a long time, not gone away - why? Marriage is sexless and I know that’s not a good thing. We’ve discussed - I know I will never sleep with H again, he isn’t into sex and hasn’t been for years. He was willing to try with the physical side but I can’t unfortunately. He said I can have an open marriage on my side, but that is not what I want at all.

Still undecided about what to do really.

In what way. Why do you have to do anything about it? So you think about a guy, so what. That's just a fantasy, everyone has daydreams. If there's been no interaction between you, these aren't 'feelings' in a romantic sense as you don't know him, you are just indulging yourself and there's nothing wrong with that.

If you mean what to do about your marriage, yes, that's the thing you should be addressing.

You say your dh is willing to try with the physical side, but you can't unfortunately - why's that?

You think you wouldn't, but these situations follow a pattern. The more permission you give yourself to dwell on these feelings, the more checked-out you'll be from your marriage and the more likely it is that someday you will cross a line.

Whenever we push boundaries, behaviour that we once would have considered extreme starts to seem more normal. That's why people should expect that a violent partner will become worse and it's why crushes and "platonic" relationships often end up being anything but.

You need to be honest with yourself that there's a risk here, but I think you don't want to be honest with yourself because that would mean stepping back from this person. If you can't do that, you're already crossing a line.

I am very sorry about what you're dealing with in your marriage. Honestly, I think YOU need to seek therapy to talk through and sort out your options.

Why are you undecided about what to do?. What is preventing you from leaving this man?. This is who he is and he is not going to change nor should you remain bogged down in your sunk costs. The past has gone never to return.

How did your marriage becomes sexless; was this mainly his choice?. Such arrangements only work if both parties are fully on board otherwise its a recipe for disaster.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. There must be something still in this for you so what is it?. If there is nothing in this for you now then why stay?. After all you only need to give your own self permission to leave and you do not want an open marriage. I would choose leaving and rebuilding your life and without this other man you're daydreaming about in it. You do not necessarily need another man here to validate you.

Would you want your children when adult to be in such a marriage; no you would not and you would want better for them. You should insist on better for yourself too. Telling our children they deserve healthy, respectful, and loving partnerships isn’t taken to heart if we don’t have the courage to live up to our own words. What we model for them is very much what we might expect for them in their future relationships.

You state that you do not want to hurt anyone; an admirable sentiment but you're hurting your own self here. There are no medals given out for martyring yourself. Why are your feelings seemingly less important than your H's or family here?. They should not be and you need to be heard.

If you also met at a very young age this could be problematic as well because you've always been part of a couple. Do you know who you really are outside of this?.

Thanks all.

Yes, I’ve discussed concerns with marriage and that there is a risk of cheating which neither of us want to do.

I can’t re-kindle that with H, I just don’t see him that way anymore. We do hug and are massively there for one another, we don’t have an easy life and he is supportive and great with the children. He supports me financially, although I do have my own savings. We are the closest of friends, so close.

The person I have feelings for is someone I know and see most days. I have a feeling he has them for me too, we’ve never crossed the line at all.

The reference about deciding what to do was about H and I and our marriage…not about deciding whether to cheat or not!

I feel a bit sorry for your husband. So he would have sex with you but you don't fancy him anymore but fancy someone else?

What I'm reading is he isn't into sex but will be physical if you want him to be but you want more than him doing his duty you want to be desired to be loved. Am I right?

@PrimalOwl10 definitely.

That is a completely reasonable thing for you to want!

This all sounds like a major problem in your marriage, OP, and one that goes much deeper than what you wrote about originally.

Let me be clear in light of these updates. There is nothing wrong with fantasy. Where it becomes a problem is when it involves someone real and nearby who you potentially could get involved with. Developing that connection takes away from the marriage and complicates any problems. So don't go there while you're married. It's particularly important to avoid chaos when there are kids.

HOWEVER, it is completely normal and reasonable for you to want sex and affection in your marriage. Without that, you have a roommate not a husband. There are societies where women are treated like dirt, but that still allow women to divorce if there's no sex!

Another commenter already said it and I'll reinforce it. You need to deal with this because you're obviously unhappy. You can decide to stay in a sexless and affection-free marriage. I understand why you wouldn't want an open marriage. Or you can try to persuade your husband to get help. Or you can leave. Or you can stay for financial reasons and try to find other ways of having close relationships (friendships and volunteer work, for example).

Whatever you do, don't spend another decade or longer stuck in this situation. I think you should make a decision, even if it's to stay, to feel like you have agency.

He isn't into sex, he said she could open the marriage on her side, would you want to have sex with a man who was forcing himself to try to have sex with you?

You've got just one life, op. If you and your husband are friends now, that can continue without you being married. It's clear that you're already a shell of yourself, don't squander the rest of your life on an unfulfilling marriage. It would be better to be single.

Thank you.

I am glad we are close and the closest of friends and long May it continue - just makes it harder to separate and I’m scared I’m making a mistake. I think it’s probably time. I can’t believe it’s come to this.

If you are really close friends you could have a really nice amicable divorce and continue to be close friends and co- parent very well together. You won't lose the friendship. Just pointing that out if you are leaning towards divorce. Open relationships are also becoming much more common and can surely work in the right circumstances with the right boundaries.

Unpopular opinion but I'd take up the offer of an open marriage

I don’t just want the sex from an open marriage. I’d prefer a full, loving relationship.

In that case leave your DH and find someone to have a full relationship with.. no one wants a sexless marriage