Single, 39, life is messed up

[Lifemessed]

I have everything except for a parent and family. It’s causing me so much anxiety. I’ve dated endlessly and it’s always been one awful man after the next. I won’t be abused or settle. But is this my life now? I feel so, so sad.

Maybe stop the dating and just enjoy life, take the pressure off yourself. I was single at 39 and had the same wobbly thoughts, I pushed them aside and cracked on with my amazing life. I met someone at about 44 and I still miss my old life 🤷‍♀️

Yes, why the pressure? Lots of people don’t have a family or a parents at your age.
Both are normal. You say you have everything else. Your anxiety is irrational unless there’s another reason for it. Be single, find your joy. Maybe talking therapy to work out why you feel this way?

MaggieBsBoat because of my fertility and biological clock

userxx I think I will have to take the pressure off as it’s awful
glad you met someone

Hi @Lifemessed
I totally understand how you feel about the dating, but my advice to you would be keep dating. You will meet the one. I got onto online dating at 40 yrs old, swiping became like a full time job. I did eventually find someone, got married and had a baby. Don't give up hun x

Oh thank you Summer2424 that’s great to hear you met someone. it’s so hard to going but I’ll try. Sometimes I think it’s just not going to work out for me. When did you meet your partner?

If having a child is a priority then have you looked into freezing your eggs ? It's not cheap but might be an option for you.

If you are only looking for men via OLD, I would go down other avenues.

@Lifemessed
About 2 yrs ago, don't give up hun x

It can be very hard to feel, but try to remember that you have inherent human worth that has nothing to do with whether you're in a relationship or have kids. You exist and you are enough.

Still hope for me then!

OP, I can relate.
I am mid-thirties and single, and around 80% of the time I feel like this is it for me now.

It makes me sad, yes, but I’m trying to make the most of life and do things I enjoy, as much as possible.

You still have time to meet someone and have children. First of all you need to change your way of thinking and secondly you have to make an effort to meet someone.

Take a break from dating and enjoy life. There are other ways of meeting men that don't involve OLD (I personally can't stand it, growing up I didn't go on so many first dates trying to find the one so why do it now).

I am dating though. I’ve been dating for 20 years. 🤷‍♀️ I’ve always been optimistic but now I’m wondering if it’s meant to be for me at all.

You will meet the one

You might not, and it’s more conducive to your future happiness if you find a life in which “the one” matters less.

If you want a child, have one. My life was like yours until I gave up trying to meet 'the one'. You're putting your happiness in the hands of someone you've never even met. Why are you giving that fantasy person all that power over your life, and where is your own power to make you happy?

You are abdicating responsibility for yourself in assuming that someone else will come along and make everything alright. You are behaving like a child who needs a parent. YOU are responsible for you, your health, your wealth, your well-being. Step up, and stop blaming Mr Right for not showing up.

You know you don’t need a man to have a baby right? Find yourself a sperm Donor and create the family you always wanted. The man will pop up at some point (or not). Right now you have all this pressure to breed and is making you get into relationships for the wrong reasons. Remove that pressure and become more picky.

I remember that pain after splitting from childhood sweetheart. I did meet someone else and have kids, which I am grateful for every day. However, as much as I want to say you will meet someone and have kids I want to say invest in other things to distract yourself. There is so much love out there, get a dog, practise spirituality, go have some adventures, grow your mind, make new friends, sing, grow plants, etc.

I guarantee your life willl be more fulfilling. The love and kindness you show towards your plants and your pet will help that side of you that needs to nurture.

You might not get exactly what you want, right. But who does? Lots of people meet someone who seems great, and once they've had kids, turns out to be a disappointment. Lots of relationships end with a break up. Lots of people wish they'd never had kids, and would kill for the peaceful life you have. It's not like everyone has what they want, except you. We're all having to deal with disappointments.

If you really want to have a child, have one.

All the have a child alone advive always makes me feel so uncomfortable. Especially if someone is clearly struggling with their mental health, which op is right now (due to her situation arguably of course), its arguably not wise for them to have babies.

I'd advise instead to get out of the whole biological clock mindset. To start thinking about other dreams. Other adventures we might have. Friends we could make.

If we find ourselves so fixated on what we don't have that it governs our happiness...it can leave us in a very dark place.

I think continuing to date is important, however, a break from it couldn't harm. Maybe get yourself a sunny holiday. How about an 18-35s solo trip? Something to get you away from yourself for a while. Never know, might even meet a nice lad on one.

The whole clock ticking thing...op maybe one day you'll marry someone who has kids or maybe you'll meet someone who wants to foster or adopt with you or maybe you'll take a job working with children or maybe you meet someone and decide, he is enough, that the idea of children was more appealing than the actual process and reality.

And that could happen ANY time. You'll perhaps be alive another 40 years, plenty of time to meet a man. Likely several men. I think its time to refocus on you. On self development and self love. On other dreams.

I hope you find everything you are looking for. But in the mean time, maybe focus on other adventures.

Wise words.

Wtf is "The One" anyway 🤷‍♀️

I think you need to put all of your energy into expanding your social network IRL and trying to meet someone in real life. You can also try OLD with a thick skin. Don’t give up! I am very much in your shoes (though early 40s) and am also trying to enjoy my solo life as much as possible.