Husband on swingers website / porn

[Marshmellow1]

My husband and I have a pretty much non existent sex life (Not my choice at all!). I found that my husband had joined a swingers site online, uploaded photos, engaged with others but said it was all fantasy and he had no intention of meeting up with them. I’m not sure I believe this as the the people were within a 15 mile radius of us when I looked to see what he had searched. I was horrified and confronted him right away, I only went on his phone to order take out, he handed me the phone but when I opened a new tab to look at another food place I saw it and had a quick snoop! I didn’t get to read the messages and of course in huge embarrassment on his end and shock, he deleted the account. He said he was really sorry and it was all fantasy and had no intentions of meeting in person. Would you believe him? Has anyone else’s husband for this fantasy ? He doesn’t have sex with me either, apparently he it gives him anxiety, performance anxiety…. This happened about 3 years back. He was also watching porn on a regular basis?

Unless his fantasy is sending hundreds of messages to get maybe one response then that’s bollocks tbh.

My ex husband did this. Turns out he is bisexual and was cheating on me.

The cheating made me leave.

Oh gross. Heave him out. Set your bar much much higher .....

They always seem to have a convenient excuse. I’d say he’s minimising. If it was that innocent why delete the app so quickly as this could prove his argument, or not!

Exactly!

You can’t trust a word he says. I would definitely LTB. So sorry.

Regardless of whether true or not, is this really what you want from your life?

Ok, so the reality of sites like fabswingers is that a) single men hardly ever manage to meet women/anyone even if they try really hard and b) there ARE lots of men who set up meets and then flake before actually meeting.

HOWEVER that doesn't mean the intention/hope wasn't there and it's definitely not ok to be on a sex site wasting his time while pretending not to have a sex drive and not to communicate with you.

🚩🚩He had uploaded photos and messaged people 🚩🚩
Try acting like you are curious about the app and giving it a go in real life, his reaction will tell you everything you need to know

I would go through hell and high water to get rid of a man like this.

This happened to me back in 2013. My husband was addicted to porn then set us up on this site in the hope that it would improve our sex life.
He uploaded pictures of me naked and wearing lingerie, sent face pics to others without consent and arranged meets behind my back.
Long term, this has ruined marriage.

No shit. You're not still with him are you?

None of it makes sense really. He says he has performance anxiety then arranges to meet strangers for sex. How does that work and how would that be a fantasy of someone who can't perform?

My interpretation is that he wants to live out porn fantasies and normal sex doesn't do anything for him.

He needs to stop watching porn and work on creating intimacy that then improves your sex life.

That is what will be causing him to "perform" badly. Having a wank is easier and requires no effort. He sounds a delight and I'd be kicking him out to be honest.

I'd never be able to trust him again unless he was genuinely sorry, is prepared to be totally honest and investigate through counselling as a team if necessary how to repair your marriage.

agree with this.

He's been watching porn and has now decided that normal sex is boring/not good enough. He cannot have performance anxiety but want to meet random strangers for sex. Also, the "fantasy" side of it is ridiculous. What the heck is this fantasy?

Maybe it's time to think about splitting up.

3 years without sex - has he done anything to help himself with the anxiety, like seeing a doctor or therapist?

And now you find him on that site actively seeking partners.

I would probably take that as him not being interested in sex with me, but not having the guts to leave, tbh.