Emotional affair

[overand]

Is this the start of an emotional affair?

My husband has two jobs. One in the day and one some evenings. At the evening job he works with a very attractive woman. He picks her up and drops her home after each shift as it's late and she doesn't drive.

They message every day. Nothing sexual, just chatting - but it's very frequent and the chats will often go on until 11:30 at night. I've snooped and read some of the messages due to being paranoid. He doesn't talk about us or our relationship, but has revealed a number of personal things to her that I know he hasn't shared with other people.

At the same time, we're in a rocky patch, mainly due to me. I had a termination due to HG in the summer and an immediate family member has been very ill for a few months and has just died. I'm angry and stressed and have put on a lot of weight due to comfort eating.

My husband no longer initiates sex and seems distant the few times we have had sex recently. We barely see each other due to work and in the brief periods we are together he's mainly on his phone.

I feel guilty for not liking his relationship with this woman, as so far it is just a friendship, but I really don't.

Sounds like you're drifting apart any way regardless of that woman's involvement. I would have an honest respectful conversation with him about the future of the relationship and go from there be it separation or counselling or whatever.

If I asked my husband if he wanted to separate I know he would say no.

It sounds like he has checked out of your relationship and he’s more interested in this woman than you. It reads like he makes a lot of effort with his friend - communicating, helping with lifts but for the most part ignores you by staring at his phone etc. when did this start? How did he feel about your termination? Was he like this before you had that?

Neither of us felt good a about the abortion. It was a much wanted pregnancy. But I was so ill that I couldn't look after our toddler or go to work - we didn't feel we had any other option at the time. It is a decision we made together and both deeply regret.

@overand when did he start getting closer to this woman? Was it after your termination?
It could be his way of coping with it. Like a distraction, because things at home just remind him of what you have both been through. I think like the pp said, you need a frank discussion with him. Only he has the answers that you need to hear.

It was around the same time, yes. He took on the extra job as I wasn't able to work and was only getting SSP.
The thing is though, I wouldn't have an issue if he'd formed a new friendship with a man - but then again I don't know many men that lie in bed at night texting back and forth with male friends. It doesn't help that she is young, slim and pretty - things that I am definitely not.
I'm hesitant to raise her with him as so far he hasn't actually done anything wrong.
And all the other stuff - I don't know if I'm in the right place to have a big emotional discussion right now. My brother died less than a week ago. And like I said, a lot of this is on me - I haven't been a good person to be around for months. I've been ill, grieving and angry at the world.

@overand The thing you can definitely raise with him is how he is neglecting you. You have double the grief with losing your brother too (I’m sorry for your losses 💐). He should be supporting you, but he’s driving a wedge instead by bringing this woman between you. I think you can’t complain about him giving her lifts, but you can complain about him texting her all night in favour of talking to you.
You are being treated unfairly by him and it’s having an effect on your self-esteem. That is apparent when you are comparing yourself negatively with his friend.