Coming to terms with emotional abuse?

[JessicaGerbil]

I left my ExH nearly 2 years ago. I had some support from Women’s Aid. I also have a therapist who says he was emotionally abusive. My solicitor has said the same and also some of my family and friends.

Sometimes I think they were right - that there was gaslighting, stonewalling, blaming me for everything, telling me a was a bad mum.

But then I doubt myself. I think about the things I did wrong.

He hasn’t spoken to me since I filed for divorce. He won’t even look at me even in front of the children. He refused to go to parent’s evening with me. He’ll communicate by email - sometimes nice, occasionally cruel. It actually feels harder when he’s nice.

I feel like I would be ok if I never had to have anything to do with him, but because of the kids that’s not possible.

I feel stuck, I think because I can’t get the story straight in my head.

Just wondered if anyone had any advice. Thanks.

He remains abusive and will try to exert power and control over you if given any opportunity. He has not changed fundamentally since the divorce; he is the same as he ever was and such men do not change. I would look at enrolling yourself on to the Freedom Programme as this could help you in your ongoing recovery from his abuses of you and in turn the DC.

How old are your DC roughly?. Their views count.

Have any contact arrangements been formalised (use of a contact centre) between he and the children?. I would not ever entertain any form of informal arrangement because he will use that against you. He is indeed trying to further "punish" you now by not looking at you in front of the DC (very confusing also for them), not attending parents evenings etc. His nice and nasty emails are further examples of the nice and nasty cycle of abuse he is showing you and that is a continuous one.

Kids are you primary age. They love their dad and are too young to understand.

Child arrangements are being negotiated at the moment as he will ignore emails for weeks so we need a formal plan. Not looking at use of a contact centre or anything like that. Basically how he has treated/is treating me isn’t bad enough (which perhaps goes some way to explaining why I feel so confused about everything…)

Thanks for the support.

Hi, I'm having counselling through women's aid for similar which is helpful. I basically bit my tongue and tried to mange his behaviour by being super pleasant/civil, clear and firm but generally killed his cruelty by appearing not at all bothered. Once I moved out of the shared home, that is. It seems to give him nothing to hang on to, so things are more civil. However in my head I'm a mess as still trying to figure it all out, this kind of "under the radar" abuse really can mess with your mental health. I'm just going to leave the rest to lawyers, if he ever pulls his finger out and gets (another) one. I hope you're ok, it's really tough x

Just read your update, my kids are similar age and also love him. He is a typical "Disney Dad". Just do everything formally (although the expense is just eye watering)

"Child arrangements are being negotiated at the moment as he will ignore emails for weeks so we need a formal plan. Not looking at use of a contact centre or anything like that. Basically how he has treated/is treating me isn’t bad enough (which perhaps goes some way to explaining why I feel so confused about everything…)"

Please speak to both Womens Aid and your Solicitor as a matter of priority.
He is already ignoring emails and will continue to use child arrangements as a further stick to beat you about the head with. Hes not interested in setting up a formal plan of any sort. In his head he is right and still wants to punish you.

I would still use a contact centre given how abusive he has been and still is. He has not changed since the divorce and will not either. Do not ever have him turning up to pick up the kids at his former home.

What do you mean by this also:
"Basically how he has treated/is treating me isn’t bad enough (which perhaps goes some way to explaining why I feel so confused about everything…)"

Isn't bad enough for whom?. Who has said and or implied this?. Whoever said it had no business to say that and they were not married to him; you were.

Leaving an emotionally abusive marriage can be described in no other way than an ‘absolute mindfuck’.
You’ll be without closure and constantly questioning what happened, was he really that bad, what did I do wrong blah blah.
Two years on and I still feel this way (so probably not the best to give advice here!)
Im taking little steps by completing the freedom programme online, focussing on myself and enjoying a peaceful house.

It is mind fuckery. The best thing that I was advised to do, although hard, was to write down everything that happened throughout good and bad and read it back. I found a clear pattern, things that I hadn't noticed and it started six months into our relationship.

That’s the advice I got from solicitors. Basically silent treatment, horrible emails etc aren’t enough (initially for an occupation order, now for anything like using a contact centre). I know what he does is really subtle, but I wish the system recognised how damaging it can be.