Nitpicking

[Maryamlouise]

Anyone for any good ways to deal with nitpicking? Or I am being too sensitive and it is actually just constructive suggestions and I should take it on board and not be upset? My partner thinks it is the latter but I feel like it is always really small things and also things that he does himself, like

• leaving lids loosely on top of jar of spread if not sure will use again soon (for me usually if I am doing the kids toasts)
• shutting doors
• turning off lights
• emptying/turning off the washing machine
• bringing stuff in from the car
• tidying up as you cook

I guess I feel like he could just overlook some small things (like I do when he does them and other minor things that irritate me that he refuses to change) though maybe I should try to just overlook his nitpicking. I also feel like I am maybe doing more with the kids etc so some things that seem easy to him are harder for me (like I am usually cooking while also supervising kids under time pressure to get food on table so we can move on with bedtime routine)

I did ask him kind of jokingly the other day if he thought I was competent at anything and he did look a bit sheepish

Anyone else had this? I guess I should have a proper conversation about how I feel about it but I am not sure how to go about it and feel like he is usually very defensive if he feels he is being criticised

Just a word of warning.
My ex H did this and it was slightly irritating..However what I missed was the undercurrent of resentment that it represented on his part.
He suddenly announced he didn't love me any more and blindsided me. I think the nitpicking was part of it.
His nitpicks were me apparently stacking the dishwasher wrong and not wiping the dribble of my electric toothbrush religiously after use.

I am not sure how to go about it and feel like he is usually very defensive if he feels he is being criticised

This is telling. He has no problem criticising you, nor does he worry about how you'll take it!

Well, he shouldn't nitpick. You should feel no shame about asking if he thinks you're capable of anything. You should also communicate to him that it really grates that he is so critical. It's not good for your relationship.

That said, every single one of the things on your list would irritate me. You're damaging your relationship by not being more considerate. It just is not hard to turn off a light. We're in an energy crisis. Or screw a lid on. If you don't do it and he goes to pick up the jar and it spills, of course he's going to be annoyed.

As for the tidying up while you cook, he gets to complain if he's the one who is left with cleaning up the chaos. If you're the one who cooks AND cleans up, then you need to tell him to shut up and start doing his share.

All of this is part of showing basic respect to each other. You need to tell him to stop nagging and to check that he is doing his share of housework, but you also need to remember that you're not single and there are certain things that drive other people nuts and aren't hard to do/not do!

Edit:
Just saw the part of your post about how defensive he is. You need to get comfortable with that. Tell him very calmly that it works both ways, but that you don't want to be in the habit of criticizing each other's every move. Point out that he can dish it but can't take it and that is leading YOU to feel resentful. You both need to pull a finger out and start making more of an effort. You to be more considerate and him to stop whinging. Show him this if you feel you can't say it to his face. Tell him you're saying it for the sake of your marriage because nothing makes you feel less into him that hearing the whining.

All of these things drive me nuts. They are all things teenagers do, not grown adults.

Thanks everyone!

Oh god yes my electric toothbrush is another one! I do wonder if he isn't happy and I think we should make more time for each other. I think maybe he is a little resentful of that and I am probably a bit over sensitive as I feel he doesn't really do his fair share of things and then criticises.

I mostly cook and never just leave it for ages (usually do it straight after dinner) or expect him to clean it up. I think the PP who said about him not taking criticism back is part of it - I pointed out that he does the lid thing and he got defensive and said everyone makes mistakes. I guess I feel like the way he says it is that I am doing these things all the time but I don't think I am but I that I also occasionally make mistakes.

I don't want to be criticising each other all the time and obviously what I am doing is irritating so I will have to stop.