Is friend using me as a bit of an agony aunt?

[loveacuddle1]

Just after the perspective of others really.
I have a friend that I’ve known for about 18 months.
Last year I supported him through a bereavement and earlier this summer he got back in touch when his auntie was really ill and I helped them both out. I’ve been happy to do all of this and I am a naturally caring sort of person.

Once those periods are over though, I don’t hear from him as much. It’s like I’ve inadvertently taken on the role of support person, and then once that period is over I’m dropped. For example last Christmas I couldn’t meet up with him
as he was always busy and quite openly going out with other friends. This summer, once I’d helped with the auntie, he really expressed how grateful he was and then I didn’t really hear from him again all summer. but I know he was out a lot with his mates and on holiday with them.

Anyway I’m supposed to be catching up with him next week. He texted me yesterday to say he’d had another bereavement. I’m worried I’ve fallen into the role of agony aunt. Obviously I can’t talk to him
about it at the moment as he’s going through a bereavement. But my gut tells me if I meet up with him
next week as planned, I’ll take on the role if support person again, and then be dropped again.

I don’t know… am I just being sensitive?

No you're not being sensitive. It sounds like he's happy to use you when he has a bereavement but drops you as soon as he goes back to normal life. You sound like a really nice person and he's using that fact. I'd just not bother contacting and don't be available when he calls. It's a pretty one sided thing and that's not fair to you

Personally I’d cancel the plans, who wants to be used like that.

He needs to dump that negative energy somewhere and he chose you
he is not your friend

Yes, he is using you as an agony aunt. From here you can choose to accept that role or not. You will get dumped after he has used you emotionally to get through his latest bereavement, are you ok with that? If you are fair enough, your choice, go ahead and meet him. If you decide that is not a role you want any more I would say sorry, can’t meet up.

I dumped someone who I thought of as my closest friend when she couldn’t be bothered to meet me after my dad had died in a different country and I was missing the funeral, despite my being there for many years of her problems and dramas. She actually left me standing for half a hour outside a restaurant then when I called said she had forgotten and needed to go do a supermarket shop. It is great not to have an emotional leech in my life any more.

No You are not being too sensitive. Go with your gut on this. I, too, have experienced a similar ‘friendship’. I felt so much better when I finally admitted to myself that this person was using me (I had suspected it for a while, but had not admitted it to myself). We were friends for years, and she was a very smart charming woman. I was charmed, at any rate. Until I wasn’t.

I didn’t respond to her last request for a ‘favour’’, and never heard from her again.

Thank you
Next weeks catch up was actually planned before this latest bereavement happened, so it was a chance for us to do something fun and have a good chat and giggle together.

I might cancel, I’ll see. Or use it as an opportunity to know once and for all whether I am the “support person” only, and move on if it’s clearer that’s what I am

Yeah use it as the check
It's worth giving him one more chance

sounds like you might be a bit too sympathetic!

You provide a service. That service is free therapy and emotional support. He's not really interested in the rest of your personality or who you are because he doesn't enjoy being around you all that much, unless you are providing the service.

It's a bit of a one-way relationship and I think you could do with investing your energy into finding friends who will appreciate you more as a whole person.