Feel like I’m being left behind

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Firstly I want to clarify that generally DH and I have a decent relationship.

Here’s the thing. I have chronic health conditions which mean I’m often stuck in the house. I am able to do some things and am not totally housebound but I am unable to be active in terms of exercise (though I wish I could be). That’s where the problem starts, I suppose.

I’ve always wanted to do a particular outdoor activity with my DH (or as a family) but prior to me being ill DH always said it wasn’t his thing. So it didn’t happen. Since my illness, it would be impossible for me.

This year DH was diagnosed with prediabetes and so has taken steps to get fitter, which is obviously great. However, he came home last week and said him and a group from work are going to be doing the thing I’ve always wanted to do. And it will be a regular(ish) thing. I honestly feel heartbroken.

I know some may think I’m overreacting but it’s how I feel. I feel like DH is getting to experience lots of new things, including this one and I’m just left behind. It’s like I’m jealous in a way but it’s more frustration because I don’t know where to put that jealousy. Obviously I can’t voice this to DH because it’s not fair to put that on him and what difference would it make anyway? Like he’s not going to not do it (nor would I want him to not do it).

This is compounded by the fact that a lot of his free time is taken up with other getting fit activities. He also doesn’t get much free time to start with because he works long hours so the weekend is pretty much all we have and that’s filled in with him doing said stuff. So as not to drip feed, we have teenage kids who take no looking after so it’s not like he’s getting out of pulling his weight when he’s out and about.

Again, I know it’s good he’s being active and I’m not wanting to hinder that but by the same token, I want some time for us too. I honestly feel like we’re drifting and as my title says, that I’m being left behind. I hate my stupid body for being like this.

If anyone has any ideas on how I process this, I’d be so grateful.

That’s tough, OP. Are your health conditions new? I know you said chronic but there was a time when you weren’t so limited in what you can do. I’m thinking whether counselling may help with adjusting to how you see relationships and family life.

That is tough.

Do you really not feel you can talk to him about it? Obviously he should do this activity and keep fit in general but you also need time for each other, so I’d make it a practical chat about that.

In terms of your own activities - are there things you could try?

@LadyWithLapdog I’ve been ill for about 12 years now, though it’s gradually got worse throughout those 12 years. Now I’ve got menopause stuff added in too which intensifies all of my symptoms. I’ve had counselling prior to this and I’m currently having some more but I’m not sure it’s right for me as it doesn’t seem to be helping much.

@theduchessofspork I could talk to him but, although our relationship is generally good, he doesn’t really ‘do’ talking. I mean this in the sense that he literally seems to go blank (I don’t necessarily think intentionally either) whenever I’ve tried in the past and it’s either ended up in an argument because I’m frustrated or I’m just left with that frustration to process without it turning into an argument.

He has always said he just wants a straightforward life (don’t we all) and in that respect I feel like it’s me who always does the moaning and causes problems by voicing when I’m feeling hard done by (usually in terms of domestic stuff being too much).

I don’t work anymore because of my conditions so I’m left with the 95% of household stuff to do, which is not only mind numbingly boring, it also robs me of anything leftover energy wise to be able to do stuff I enjoy. We have a cleaner once a fortnight but there’s still quite a bit to do (for me in terms of energy) in the meantime. When I’ve mentioned this before, he says he can’t do anymore because he works so much.

Sorry that was a bit of a ramble.

This is sad. It's unfair you're ill but it's unfair to hold him back from living his life. Try and find ways for your life to be more comfortable and exciting with or without your DH. Maybe connect with people with your illness online or in person and find ways to have a more fulfilling life.

I really feel for you, OP, and am in a similar situation health and energy-wise. I really get that managing the house stuff leaving you with no energy to do anything else. It is soul destroying. I think with chronic ill health conditions, there really are real losses, and acknowledging that can be helpful. The acknowledgment is part of how you process it - it’s not self indulgent or wallowing to let yourself feel sad sometimes.

I’m not surprised you feel heartbroken about your partner’s new activity. It sounds like you need an activity that you can share regularly with your partner that’s enjoyable for you both and that you can manage without exhaustion. Would talking to him about that work? Just keeping it very practical and focused on suggestions of things you could do together? It’s a reasonable request that you have some time together as a couple.

I’m left with the 95% of household stuff to do, which is not only mind numbingly boring, it also robs me of anything leftover energy wise to be able to do stuff I enjoy. We have a cleaner once a fortnight but there’s still quite a bit to do (for me in terms of energy) in the meantime. When I’ve mentioned this before, he says he can’t do anymore because he works so much.

I think this is unreasonable of him, and where I'd be pushing back. Do your own hobby (whatever that is) and insist on time and energy for it. There are four of you in the house - hand over the reigns for some stuff.

Your husband can make time for the things he wants to do, so clearly time is available...

^ reins, dammit

Although I absolutely agree that you can't stand in the way of your husband keeping fit for his health, am I the only one who thinks its rather inconsiderate that he happens to choose the 1 activity he refused to do with you previously? Surely there are a million other ways he could keep fit. It seems to me he's oblivious to your feelings here.

@DisplayPurposesOnly I’ve tried getting him on board with doing more before but it goes nowhere. He says weekends are for ‘not working and doing fun stuff’. In fairness to him, his job is intensive in terms of taking up headspace and he works quite long hours. But it doesn’t help the overall situation does it?

@anotherdisaster To to be fair to him, I’ve been ill for a long time so I have long since stopped mentioning anything about it at all. He did deny remembering me saying I wanted to do it though which is probably true. It’s not anything particularly special either, I just didn’t want to say specifically as my SIL is on here.

He’s just come back from buying some bits and pieces he needs for it and was showing them off proudly..I had to fight back tears so I made an excuse and hid in the utility room to have a cry.

Again, it may sound dramatic but I’m trying to not make him feel bad for doing something completely acceptable.

I really think you should tell him how you feel. If he at least knows, he can be a bit more sensitive about it.