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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please help-husband’s behaviour in front of children

13 replies

Sootybear212 · 07/10/2023 23:44

NC for privacy.

Please help. I am being told I’m making this up and creating a false narrative to ‘feed the children’ and turn them against him. Husband got annoyed about something and went on about it repeatedly, I asked him multiple times to please stop, shouting and swore once. I said please stop now and go through and watch the rugby in the other room, switched off the tv and put it behind my back. He refused and said no, put the tv on and I said no, I asked you multiple times to stop. The children and I would like to watch the rugby in peace without this continuing. He got up to remove it from behind me throwing cushions out of the way and shoving me to find it. All of the children jumped on him, I think they were totally bemused as to what was going on. He flung them all off, forcefully removed the remote and stormed off. I sat in disbelief trying to make sense of it all. My eldest said mummy that isn’t right, the police would take him away for that he hurt us all. I consoled her/them, validating their feelings while in shock and playing it over in my head.

He then texted me to say I am listening, stop filling the children’s heads with lies. We then exchanged messages where I called out his behaviour and he is completely denying and claiming it is all rubbish, everyone jumped on him, he defended himself and I’m ‘creating a false narrative’ and it’s parental alienation.

This is the more worrying part and he will try and insist the same to the children despite them all witnessing what happened.

For back story, there is a long pattern of things always being my fault and never his and very poor impulse control on his part. I have massive problems with him railing off screeds of emails/text messages complaining to people about children’s activities, school etc and he doesn’t seem to have a filter/know when to stop. Over the last year I’ve noticed him less able to control behaviour and flying off the handle at me/random situations/the children.

He has definitely crossed a line tonight and I don’t think we can turn back from here. I’ve always sheltered the children from it but I am so sad they have been part of this.

Any advice or opinions? I want to ask him to leave and access some counselling/medical help. This is tricky as he is certain he’s done nothing wrong. I can’t quite work out if he genuinely thinks this and doesn’t comprehend what he did or he is trying to make me doubt myself.

OP posts:
Sootybear212 · 07/10/2023 23:45

I am hopeful that I might be able to show him replies and it could help.

OP posts:
Mummyof287 · 08/10/2023 00:05

Hi there, please don't put up with this....you say he 'flung' your children off him and 'shoved' you.That is Domestic abuse, OP. Listen to your eldest child....they are trying to tell you how serious it is.As much as you say you've tried to shelter them, whilst I'm sure you've done your best, children living in households where there is DV always are affected by it somehow in the end.
Get out, stay out, end the relationship and put your kids first.

There are many charities such as women's aid which you can call for advice if you need to.

Sending strength and luck, I am sure it can't be easy but please make these changes for the sake of yourself and your children, next time his angry reaction may be much worse.

GrazingSheep · 08/10/2023 00:07

What will you do if your children disclose this abuse at school?

BellaAndDave · 08/10/2023 00:12

GrazingSheep · 08/10/2023 00:07

What will you do if your children disclose this abuse at school?

You beat me to my reply. What is your DH going to tell the relevant authorities when the children do eventually disclose what’s going on at home?

Even if you show him this thread OP he’ll disagree most likely and continue gaslighting you and the children.

Sootybear212 · 08/10/2023 00:13

I hadn’t even thought about them mentioning it at school. Thank you all for replying.

OP posts:
Octosaurus · 08/10/2023 00:15

Sootybear212 · 07/10/2023 23:45

I am hopeful that I might be able to show him replies and it could help.

The fact that you know your opinion to him is worth so little you have to recruit a loaf of internet Random's to weight in shows me how little you are valued by this complete arsehole of a man.

Your own opinion should matter most and you know he's been a Twat. Even his kids can see he's a dickhead. You don't need us, you need to trust yourself and ditch this loser. You can't change him only he can change himself.

Sootybear212 · 08/10/2023 00:17

I agree. I know that in my heart. I can’t allow my children to think this is acceptable.

OP posts:
VeridicalVagabond · 08/10/2023 00:22

That's so sad, did it not absolutely break your heart to hear your child say that to you?

You must leave now for their sake OP, god knows the damage already done to them. It's really no way to grow up.

Hermittrismegistus · 08/10/2023 00:34

Don't show him the thread, he'll use it in some way to say you're trying to get others to hang up on him or some other pathetic nonsense.

You need to protect yourself and your children by leaving him.

TheCatterall · 08/10/2023 00:40

I agree with @Hermittrismegistus - @Sootybear212 its like you still
have a mindset where you can get him to
see ‘sense’ etc. it won’t happen. Showing him this thread will not make things better. It will be one more thing that you are doing to ‘paint him as the bad guy’ in his head. He doesn’t recognise himself as you describe him.

he’s getting worse and doing it in front of the children and they are getting caught in the crossfire now.

stop trying to reason with him. Get legal advice and talk to women’s aid. Get your ducks in a row. Separate.

staiing in this home is a toxic existence for the children. Imagine if you are one of those women that stay to keep the family together etc - they will have this atmosphere and prospect of violence and abuse impacting them and their emotional development. It will impact how they themselves have and receive relationships in the future. Children often copy the behaviour of the victim or perpetrator in these situations. Would you want any of your children accepting the behaviour you do when they are dating?

zeibesaffron · 08/10/2023 01:04

Get everything aligned, copies of all paperwork, remove documents/ passports etc and leave ( or kick him out with police support if u have too ) - do not look back!!

This will get worse, he has no insight or interest in making things right - your kids are already aware do not make life worse for them by staying with this prick. School would be raising a safeguarding if they find out so keep all the abusive texts etc - photograph them and send the photos to an email he has no access too and change your passwords.

Do not show him this thread it will not make any difference whatsoever.

PaminaMozart · 08/10/2023 01:15

I'm another one urging you NOT to show this thread to your husband.
He will twist it and use it against you.
Moreover, you may want to clear your cache and cookies in case he spies on your online activities.

Contact Women's Aid for advice on how to leave him without endangering yourself.
Collect all important documents, everything to do with finance, P60s, investments, pensions, etc.
Inform yourself about the divorce process: Divorce for Dummies, Wikivorce, etc.
Consult with an experienced family solicitor.

You may also want to let your children's school know what's going on.
And perhaps consider counselling for them as they must find it difficult to process and deal with what is going on.
Get counselling for yourself too. Maybe family counselling as well.
Get all the help you can get!

Geppili · 08/10/2023 02:49

Be prepared. Your child may disclose. Contact your local Refuge and get all your documents together.

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