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Relationships

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Original poster

Online dating - not having much success

25 replies

Onlinedatin · 07/10/2023 21:08

I’ve been on 3 first dates and 2 video calls
I wasn’t struck by any of them
But I’d have given two a second date chance
None asked me for a second date though

I’m 38. Dates are 38-43.

Feeling a bit rejected. How to stay positive and keep going?

OP posts:

occhiazzurri · 07/10/2023 21:16

I think it is important to try to meet people in real life as impossible as it sounds or at least take up hobbies which will enlarge your social group - running, classes - local churches or political organisations, and also try to enlarge your network if you work for an organisation, join your local alumni club (or organise one). It will help you put things in perspective and take your mind off OLD.

Slackbladder22 · 07/10/2023 21:33

I think the fact you said you weren’t struck by any of them is telling. There was obviously no chemistry. I’ve been doing online dating for a few months on and off and the one woman I dated for a few weeks I could tell right from the first five minutes we clicked. The other dates weren’t horrible, but like you I wasn’t struck by them. It’s a cliche but it really is a numbers game unless you’re incredibly lucky to meet someone early on. You need to develop a thick skin and the right mindset to just enjoy meeting new people I reckon without taking it personally if it doesn’t work out

ChaliceinWonderland · 07/10/2023 21:36

OLD is shit ,more often than not a waste of time. I'm 50 plus , it only gets worse. Meet people IRL... it really does make a difference.

mrsmingleton · 07/10/2023 21:44

What is it they say? It's a numbers game. Imagine walking into a pub of 50 men - how many of those are you likely going to fancy? How many of those few are likely to fancy you? Think of it that way and it makes sense. Think of the first "date" as an interview to see if you have anything in common. I know several people who have met their partners online. My Husband was my 6th.

Vocaladvocaat · 07/10/2023 21:52

Yes there are plenty of nice people in real life. To an extent old is for people who can’t be bothered to socialise in large groups regularly and get to know people that way.

mrsmingleton · 07/10/2023 21:58

@Vocaladvocaat that is not necessarily true - some people do not have the opportunity to socialise in large groups regularly.

Shimla999 · 07/10/2023 22:00

mrsmingleton · 07/10/2023 21:58

@Vocaladvocaat that is not necessarily true - some people do not have the opportunity to socialise in large groups regularly.

I agree - I work from home and live in a small town, so don't meet lots of people on a daily basis. I do try to go out and meet other people - hiking etc. But it's not that easy. Most of my friends are in long-term relationships.

SamW98 · 07/10/2023 22:04

Vocaladvocaat · 07/10/2023 21:52

Yes there are plenty of nice people in real life. To an extent old is for people who can’t be bothered to socialise in large groups regularly and get to know people that way.

I’m out all the time socialising. At least every other weekend. I’ve got a wide and varied social group and I’m always chatting to people out and about but the older I get the harder it is to meet single men in passing.

Maybe it’s an age thing but it’s very hard once you hit 50 to meet anyone.

myNewName21 · 07/10/2023 22:57

I wasn’t struck by any of them
But I’d have given two a second date chance
None asked me for a second date though

Unfortunately the chemistry has to work both way and if none these men asked for a 2nd date they clearly weren’t feeling it with you ( you can ask yourself).

Pinkbonbon · 07/10/2023 23:19

To be fair, I think if you like 1 in 5, you're doing Well regarding online dating. Probably more like one in 7 or 8 realistically. And even then, 50% chance they won't like you back.

As others have said, it's a numbers game.

Don't waste time getting to know people before dates. A couple of chats, quick coffee date and if you're feeling it, a second date. Sometimes if you're not sure, a second date is still worthwhile. Eg: if you fancy them but aren't sure you gel.

Generally speaking though, your first instincts are usually right.

Treat dating as simply an excuse to get out of the house. Maybe to do fun things like see a play ect.. just, company. That way if it doesn't go anywhere then meh, at least you got some fresh air/to see a show ect...

95% of these dates will not lead to anything lasting.

Maze76 · 07/10/2023 23:25

Just keep swimming

GreyCarpet · 08/10/2023 07:21

Imagine walking into a pub of 50 men - how many of those are you likely going to fancy? How many of those few are likely to fancy you? Think of it that way and it makes sense. Think of the first "date" as an interview to see if you have anything in common.

I was going to say this.

I did a bit of online dating about 10 years ago. I never regarded a first meet as a date. I used to regard it as the equivalent of striking up a conversation with men in a pub or wherever. Most of the time, you're just going to have a bit of a chat with someone you wouldn't have met otherwise and, occasionally, there might be some chemistry and you might get on with them well enough to want to see them again.

Don't see every man you match with as a potential relationship because they might be but no more so than if you were to get talking to a stranger anywhere.

harerunner · 08/10/2023 23:06

Vocaladvocaat · 07/10/2023 21:52

Yes there are plenty of nice people in real life. To an extent old is for people who can’t be bothered to socialise in large groups regularly and get to know people that way.

Realistically, you'd need an extremely large group of people to stand a good chance of finding someone who's suitable... OLD may have its pitfalls, but you meet many more potential partners far more quickly and easily than hoping the local badminton club happens to have a man who's the right age, interesting, not a twat, decent looking, available and feels the same way about you!

And then you find someone who you think might be all these things, but when meeting weekly in these situations with a few dozen others, it's painfully slow and difficult to develop enough rapport to even ... so 4 months in, when you finally do, you ask him for a coffee... only to find he's been dating someone he met from OLD for a few weeks ago!

Meeting in real life is a numbers game too, but a far, far slower paced one.

ManAboutTown · 09/10/2023 07:58

It's a bit of a nightmare for blokes as well and there is plenty of sound advice from PPs here.

I've found the whole thing really hard work. I have an eclectic set of things I enjoy - like Indie rock but also Renaissance Art and Shakespeare. I'll know her when I find her though. Just going to take time😃

anotherdisaster · 09/10/2023 09:29

It depends how much you want to meet someone. I tried OLD loads of times over a number of years. I did date 2/3 guys for a few months but generally, I found it full of time wasters and creeps. I'm sure there are some decent guys but I honestly think they seem few and far between and they are definitely swamped by the bad ones. I found the same guys on every single app too. If you can accept all that then keep persevering.

Marineboy67 · 09/10/2023 09:34

I think it's just a numbers game to be honest! Don't build it up to much in your mind, keep lighthearted and just keep going. It's nice just to get out really, at some point hopefully you'll get lucky!

FiddleLeaf · 09/10/2023 09:36

I found OLD to be very successful & I’m marrying the greatest man to find himself on Hinge next year.

I dated on & off for 2yrs before I met him. I recommend just meeting for a coffee during the day, very casually. Don’t invest time in anything or anyone until you’ve met. Unmatch as soon as you feel it’s not quite right.

RaisedByHedgehogs · 09/10/2023 09:41

Like a PP said, think of the first meeting as bumping into someone in the pub and striking up a conversation.. Take the pressure off it being a date. If there’s chemistry, interest, laughter etc. then arrange a date.

There are so many people in the world. The chances of two random people liking each other or falling in love is tiny really. Yet it happens!

Good for you for getting out there. It’s not you, I promise. It’s not them either (unless it is 😁)

TedMullins · 09/10/2023 09:50

So you’ve only actually met 3 people and video called with 2 more? That’s nothing. I was on OLD 10 years on and off before I met my partner and I didn’t fancy 95% of people I met. If you weren’t struck with any of these 5 people why do you expect them to be “struck” by you? As others have said it’s a numbers game. You need to have the mindset that you probably won’t end up fancying most people you find on there and they won’t fancy you, so if there is an attraction that’s a bonus. But if someone isn’t into you that’s not a rejection or value judgement on you, it’s no different to you not fancying them.

Zanzibarz · 09/10/2023 09:55

Internet dating sites can be a minefield. In my opinion, the trick is not to fall for the 'eye candy,' as they are likely to be players. Consider responding to messages from individuals who have stable jobs and can articulate more than just a simple 'hi' in their messages. I believe some might be setting their sights too high, overlooking average-looking guys in favor of more attractive ones who may not treat them well. This is just my impression, based on stories from friends who have experienced online dating

anareen · 09/10/2023 10:20

Don't use sites. They are narcissist playgrounds.

ShadowsontheHill · 09/10/2023 10:26

Think about how many men in your life you have met in any way whatsoever that you think have potential? In my entire 50 odd years on the planet I have met 5 men in total that I would consider dating on any level, I did date 4 of them and ended up marrying one. It is a numbers game.

Licencedtodrill · 09/10/2023 12:45

I agree it’s a numbers game- I did OLD for 3 years, on and off. Had a couple of short relationships from it and am now seeing a really lovely man I met on Hinge. I’m 53, he’s a year younger.

I never met guys through my social life, and work in a very female field. My friends who refuse to do OLD on principle are all single and never go on dates at all.

It can feel like hard work and a waste of time but I always remember a friend reminding me it only takes one.

GreyCarpet · 09/10/2023 12:47

ManAboutTown · 09/10/2023 07:58

It's a bit of a nightmare for blokes as well and there is plenty of sound advice from PPs here.

It's harder when your interests are less mainstream I think.

I like punk, goth and indie music, pre Raphaelite art and stately homes - so a bit of a mix! Fortunately, I met someone in real life who also likes punk goth and indie music and stately homes. He's less keen on the pre Raphaelite art but he's still happy to wander round an art gallery with me 😉

GreyCarpet · 09/10/2023 12:48

We also both like horror films and neither of us watch TV. Which makes it harder too!

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