if you 'hid' the extent of your relationship unhappiness...

[chaiseblue]

...when you actually told friends/family about it, or broke up with your partner, how surprised were they?

Namechanged. Have been unhappy in my marriage for a while - and although a couple of close friends know about various challenges I am having with DH, they don't know the full extent of how miserable I truly am! In our wider circle we are even perceived as one of those 'great couples' - probably because DH can turn on the charm socially etc - it would be almost laughable if it weren't so sad. 😓

We have kids and have been together for decades - friends perceive us as 'solid', at least, I used to think they do...but we are not, and maybe people see that?

I suppose I am curious to know, did people guess that you were unhappier when you were letting on when it 'all came out'? Did friends and family pick up on it, were they worried for you?

Haven't broken up, but if I did, nearest and dearest wouldn't be suprised. 1, because I'm different to how I was before (less carefree) and 2, because the problems determine major practical aspects of life like where we live and how joint decision-making on anything is like pulling teeth, so we tread water and stay stuck and it's basically farcical.

I suppose I am curious to know, did people guess that you were unhappier when you were letting on I'm sure
when it 'all came out'?
Did friends and family pick up on it, were they worried for you? Definitely

But I've stopped keeping it all to myself and just moan now so there's no mystery to it any more 😆
Don't you feel the need to get marrirage stuff off your chest, is there anyone you can trust to confide in, or is it gossip-central?

@Mmhmmn - thank you, and I'm so sorry you've been going through a hard time too.

I do have close friends that I trust and I could talk to them...I guess it's a combination of things that might be preventing me from being totally honest. One is that I'm never exactly sure how much of our relationship is struggling due to external pressures - although sadly I increasingly think it's more than that, and it's us that's the problem, not our circumstances. Second is that there's nothing enormously definitive that would be a 'deal breaker' in most people's books - infidelity or violence, for example.

I don't know, I guess just can't really believe I'm here. I often think my lovely close friends would be not just horrified, but surprised, if they knew how unhappy I really am...and I was wondering if I might be mistaken, and they pick up on my unhappiness more than I think? Aware it's a bit of an odd question, but I wondered...

Mines the other way round my ex partner totally blindsided me and everyone else when he announced he was unhappy. Everyone thought we were solid (including myself…like a dick) and were really shocked to find out that he wasn’t. Maybe talk to those around you so you can get advice or get it off your chest at least.

Yes my family would have been surprised because they liked him more than they liked me. If anything was going wrong they blamed me..this is my family. Id speak up when theres injustice, he just stayed silent (stonewalling and woe me in front of others)..its so i looked the bad one..instigator..when all I i wanted was him to stop ignoring me, stonewalling. He acted like butter wouldn't melt in front of others but he was the most emotionally abusive partner i ever had. People wouldn't have guessed or be surprised we had split up but i got the blame!! Messed with my head. My family are dysfunctional childhood abuse and into adulthood, so it figures.

Those who had experience of outwardly charming partners who weren't so nice at home were not surprised at all.

Yes, one in particular was worried because I'd tell her whatever the drama of the time was and the next time she asked I'd say everything was absolutely fine and wouldn't talk about it because we were going through one of the 'good' times.

It's only now that I am out of the relationship and have the headspace to see his behaviour for what it was that I understand what I was going through. When you're going through it it's just your norm.

Is it 'us' that's the problem @chaiseblue or are you doing yourself a disservice?

Family were not in the least surprised, they had been expecting it before we got married.

Similar situation. I'm trying to talk about it more but I guess all I've done is made comments rather than say out loud how unhappy I am. I notice that one friend gets quite uncomfortable because she can sense I might be honest about how I'm feeling and doesn't feel able to hold a disclosure. Another friend was good when I got nearer to the truth of things but hasn't mentioned it since, so it seems like a topic talked about, dusted and shelved. I think I'm going to be in permanent therapy for the next few years a) because I need somewhere to put my thoughts where I won't be judged and b) to work out why I don't make the changes I need to make. There are the obvious ones - disrupting dc, financial, perimenopause and so on but at the end of the day, I remain stuck and the landscape will look different in 5 years. I don't want to spend the rest of my days feeling like this but I don't feel able, on many levels, to change the situation.

They were surprised. Everyone was surprised. I think he was surprised.

I just reached a level of done-ness.

I told a friend how unhappy I am. All they talk out is how I need to leave. Fed up talking about it with her. She is in a new relationship and all she does is compare and got upset that I told her mine and DPs relationship was like that at the start. Fell apart when we lived together away from my support network and he started to do him and not do it as a partnership. Think she can’t understand how hard it is to rent. But I have bought a house so just a few months to go.

other friend I told understands. I love DP but I am not made up for traditional house wife role and he is not really set up for equality. Wish we had that figured out first.

but house bought, needs built out in Feb.