I dont see a future

[Chitarraaa]

Been together with my bf for a year, we are both 30. No kids. We spend a lot of time at one of our places but both renting independently.

I love him, I think, but I don’t see a future. I don’t see us getting married or having children together. He does, he says. He definitely doesn’t know how I feel.

Sometimes I get scared when I think of the future without him or not meeting anyone else but then equally I don’t want to be with him for the rest of my life. I can’t quantify why, I just dont think I do. He has lots of amazing qualities and objectively he’s great, I just don’t think he is right for me.

I feel so nervous about saying anything and don’t feel like there is ever a good time. I don’t know how to break it off or even really trust my feelings. He has said a few times about how he is happy we found each other and that the prospect of not meeting someone was stressing him out. I feel the same but equally I shouldn’t feel obligated to be with him, should I.

End it. Stop wasting your time.

If you're not feeling it after a year, then it's not going to come.

What is a danger is staying together so long your drift into a long term relationship and merge your lives. 10 years down the line, you'll be looking back thinking "I knew it wasn't right; how did I get here?".

If he's not the one for you, let him go. It'll hurt for a bit, but you're young and will find someone or something else that will make you happy.

Good luck

Thanks. How do I do it? I keep thinking things like, do it after x occasion or wait til Christmas. We have future plans and holidays. It never feels like the right time.

I also really don’t want to hurt him.

Wouldn’t waste any more time with him!

do you feel this to the point of having gone off him and wanting to end it now, have you got the ick? Or is it more of a case of you enjoy the relationship and love him right now but don’t see it lasting? If the latter, why not just enjoy it for what it is at the moment? I don’t subscribe to the idea of “forever” relationships, I just don’t think that’s something that can be guaranteed. That said, if he wants the forever thing and thinks that’s where it’s heading you do need an honest chat, and if you want kids I guess you do need to find someone you can envisage having them with.

Being the one who finishes a relationship is hard, the guilt can be enormous. But it's the kindest thing to do. Keep telling yourself (and him) that. I would hate to be in a relationship with someone who wasn't sure about me. You both deserve better.
There's never a good time, but if you are worried about a Christmas break up - do it soon.

Ted Mullins, probably more the second. I’m not in a rush to end it but equally I think I want kids, with someone different. Us having kids together feels wrong.

Im very happy to have kids late in life (eg 40s if possible) but equally concerned that I won’t meet someone right if I’m investing in someone who I know won’t be that person for me. Does that make sense?

Think about what you just said. You'd think about staying with someone you don't love because he's told you he's happy and it was stressing him out finding someone.

If you don't love him you don't love him. Don't waste your time and his time on something that doesn't have a future.

I'll be honest it doesn't sound like you love him. But the thought of being alone is scaring you into staying with him because he's safe. That's not the basis of a long lasting happy relationship.

Like a bandaid. It will hurt. Then it will all be fine.

Do it now. There will always be something. Christmas, birthdays, holidays.

Sorry. I often think splitting up when there's been no big fight, no abuse, no infidelity is always harder. It's not like you can point your finger and say well this happened. But you can't help your feelings.

Sounds like it’s best to end it sooner rather than later then, if he wants kids with you and you want to find someone else to do that with. It’ll be hard but ultimately it’s the right thing to do.

I'll be blunt. You are not being kind by not telling him its over. You are being cruel. You are wasting his time. Time he could be spending finding someone else to spend his life with. You are making a fool of him, listening to his loving pronouncements when you know you don't reciprocate. And you are doing this to him because you don't want to put yourself through the discomfort of having to face his reaction when you tell him its over. Stop telling yourself you aren't telling him to protect his feelings. You are delaying to protect yours. Stop being such a self-centred coward.

This is a pain he has to go through. And he will. And he will come out the other side, just like we all do in time.

Stop messing him about and tell him today.

Threads like this always make me wince a bit, as the mother of sons who are all old enough to have had their hearts broken at least once. So I'm coming from a very biased point of view.

IMO, the very least you owe this lovely-sounding chap is to be deadly honest that you are not, at this moment in time, contemplating settling down with him and can't guarantee it will ever happen, so he is pre-warned and doesn't fall too deeply in love with his vision of a shared future. It's quite possible that it's not a lack in him, as such, but simply that you're not at the stage in life that you are imagining settling down at all. Maybe you will hit that stage and it will all work out beautifully, But maybe you won't... and meanwhile he's missing out on meeting someone who does want the same things in life as he does. Or perhaps he isn't quite suitable for you, but you won't know unless you give yourself the chance to meet someone who ticks those extra boxes you didn't consciously realise you needed.

Either way, keeping the illusion going in the hope that either you'll change or he'll lose interest doesn't seem like the adult or kind (to yourself as well as him) way to proceed. The longer you let him believe you're on the same page, the deeper the shock if/when you do split up.

This was me a couple of years ago. Tried to settle with a nice guy who was a good partner but I just didn't love him, didn't fancy him and zero spark. Compatible in many ways but not "that" one.

Someone on here said if I didn't really want him eventually everything about him would irritate me. She was right. Literally every single fucking thing about him in the end made my skin crawl. I finished it.

Fast forward to now, we're still casual friends and he's met a woman who really wants him in a way I never would have.

I'm happily single myself but if by some miracle I date again I'll be sacking it off if I'm not feeling strong sparks by the end of the second date.

Let him go.

It's not just seeing the truth - it is ACTING on it; being strong enough to act upon what we see. You are not alone OP, but it is time for big pants and honesty.

Love is a risk - your heart is on the table and so is the other persons'. Good luck x

Every moment you are in a relationship that doesn't serve you is another moment spent not actively looking for the right person. You don't know how long it will take to find the person you click with, they could be out there right now looking for you and you are not ready to receive them! Knowing this isn't it for you is enough reason to end it, time to put on your big girl pants and free both of you up for the right people to come along.

Don't settle for mediocre.

Feeling for you OP. Do trust your feelings because they are real and you are feeling them. I was once in the same place as you and I thought it was better than being on my own, especially when everyone else was settling down. I broke up a few times but then quickly doubted my actions, felt isolated and continued to date. But the doubts and questions continued and I smothered them!! Then it gets harder to pull away. As you say, it never seems to be a good time! Fast forward, I had strong doubts the day before my wedding. I wanted to run away during the night before but kept thinking that would be such a terrible thing to do!!! It wasn't the right time on my wedding day - I didn't want to cause a drama and scene!!! I'm still married - it's been a long time - but I know I should have acted on my true feelings. Perhaps suggesting a break of 3-6 months to your b/f might help you be absolutely sure of your feelings? x

You are wasting his time and your own.

End it. It doesn't have to be a circus - just tell him that you don't feel the same as he does and you want him to find the right person for him.

As for trusting your feelings - it's been a year! If you don't feel it now (ostensibly the easy bit - no kids, mortgage, ageing relatives etc) you never will.

Don't hang on to him because you don't want to be alone.

It's kinder to end it.

The reality isn't going to change whether you do or not - you don't love him and you want children but not with him.

Do you really think he'd want to spend his life with you if he knew you didn't love him? Yes, he might be upset or hurt by knowing but that's the case anyway. He just doesn't know it.

You can't sacrifice your life to keep him happy.

As for timing, there's no time like the present. There's always going to be an event if you wait. Christmas happens every year. Which Christmas do you think you'll feel happier ending it by? Which birthday? Which holiday? Which anniversary? Which week at work? If you think like that, you'll he kicking the can down the road for the next 10 years!