Starting the process

[HomeSweetHomeSweetHome]

Hi, my husband and I are pretty certain we’re no longer happy and ready to separate. It feels like a huge relief. I’m sat here on my birthday wishing he would leave. But he won’t. He states he is legally and morally not obliged to leave.

he is controlling, picks at me for every little thing, tells me when I can have a shower (we have solar panels, which I didn’t want and has put us thousands of pounds in debt) he has sold the hot tub from underneath me that I also contributed to, he earns triple what I do and belittles me at every turn. He tells me I’m going to fail at my university degree every time I have said I have had a hard day (it’s quite intense and deals with death and trauma occasionally) forces me to have sex because he has needs even though I tell him I’m not feeling it- not withholding on purpose I had a hysterectomy and surgical menopause is hard. I’m trying to be very calm and rational, but I am miserable. And I’d very much like him to leave. We have 3 children, have a home that isn’t particularly sought after but has shot up in value so I certainly wouldn’t be able to even get a 2 bed what we bought this for. I love my home, and unless it comes with a promise of moving to the coast you’ll have to carry me out in a body bag. Which I am pretty sure he is planning on.
how do I even start, I have messages today blaming me for everything, calling me a cretin, all of that because I’m not putting up with this anymore. I’m afraid and I’m sad and I’m trying so hard to not let the children see what is going on. I can’t forgive or forget this behaviour, I am done. What do I do from here?

He is both abusive and a rapist to boot. He won’t leave readily or even willingly because he likes having you around to abuse as he sees fit. You’re going to have to use legal means in order to get him out of your life.

Do contact Women’s Aid or local domestic violence support services.

Have you as yet sought legal advice re divorce, occupation and non molestation orders?. This is something I would do asap and particularly when he is out of the house. Keep all his threatening messages. I would also not hesitate to call the police if at any time you feel unsafe. Your safety and welfare as well as that of your kids is of paramount importance. Am certain as well the kids are picking up on all the vibes here, trying to protect them from this whilst you are all under the same roof is an impossible task.

Everything Atila said. Please do that, starting with Women's Aid.

Also, tell your friends or a trusted work colleague - do you work? If you do, take documents like your passport and the children's and keep them there. Other important documents like birth and marriage certificates, and copues of important financial documents - particularly those showing his earnings and share holdings and investments, if you can.

You could keep a 'Go Bag' at work or trusted friend's place.

Talk to women's aid (or local dv services), as they will help you plan and hold your hand while you're doing things.

How old are your children?

Hi @HomeSweetHomeSweetHome
Well done for being strong and putting up with everything!
This time will pass and you won't have to deal with him anymore, stay strong xx

He won’t leave. He has screamed at me, turned it all around on me, my parents hated me I’m a screw up I’m nothing without him. His sister turned up to give me a birthday gift and I cried as soon as I opened the door. He rushed down shooed me away and told them I was unstable and they left. He’s walking around all arrogant and smug and I’m sat here feeling like I’ve lost everything. I’ve had suicidal thoughts the past few months but I see no way out now. I don’t want to do that to my kids but I can’t see how I escape this.

You start the ball rolling TODAY for the process of removing him from your lives.

As we don't know your finances, yes, maybe the house will have to be sold and the equity shared between you. (A tiny price to pay to get him out of your lives) Maybe it won't.

No, you don't have to be raped any more. You call the police if he tries. It's illegal to rape you.

As it's currently both your house, he's right, you can't make him leave - unless he does something illegal and gets arrested of course...- but, the quicker you start the process, the quicker it will happen.

OP you absolutely CAN escape this. Don't let him do that to you, he's done more than enough damage to your life already.

You're not unstable. You've had enough of living with an abuser.
Please contact women's aid for help in getting out. Have you any other way of getting out soon or people to talk to? Family/friends?

You start by getting legal advice/help.
Women’s Aid or paid one.
And then you file for divorce and pull yourself together for a long fight.
You will need your strength - so get help. Talk to GP, get on antidepressants, etc.
It’s on you to resist and fight for your kids future.

Ignore his words and behaviour. Its just words of an idiot.

If he gets threatening or actually physical - call police.

He is right - you can’t make him leave. He can’t make you leave either. So - you need to somehow get through this civilly - or with police help.

You may not be able to keep the house.
Or maybe you can until kids finish school - it’ll depend on circumstances.

You need to make peace with the fact that life would have to change.
But - it’ll be better in many other ways

Record everything.
Speak to women's aid and get a plan together.
Leave a go bag at a friends house or at a safe place.
Call the police when he gets abusive then get a restraining order

He’s leaving, I can’t believe it he’s finally going. He’s done all the petty things like removing my Spotify access and Amazon prime etc, I closed the joint Monzo food shopping account to made sure the kids and I are covered for that. I’m so relieved. So should i speak to women’s aid or citizens advice? I have no idea what to do now but I can breathe.

Amazing news! I hope you get some much needed peace once he's left.

That's made my day! Great news.

Cheers to you, op, this is day one of a nicer life for you and your children.

Women's Aid first call.

Hi @HomeSweetHomeSweetHome
Glad to hear he's finally going x

Oh so glad OP. Hope you’re OK. Night one of peaceful life. Do contact WA for advice on next steps x