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Original poster

My ex burnt himself with a cigarette

10 replies

leavingabusetoday · 07/10/2023 12:51

Hi everyone I don't know how to write this but around a week ago my ex and me had a argument in this time I tried to leave him he burnt himself with a cigarette. Fast forward a week and it's been a stressful week I'll children (he is there dad but doesn't live with me) my daughter ended up in hospital he was saying he'd come but it would ruin his plans I got upset and told him not to bother and kept trying to focus on our daughter he ends up leaving me and phoning to say I'm evil and abusive for pushing him away. (I was upset he didn't come to hospital and I had zero support with his daughter all week) also he didn't ask once how she was and was angry I didn't ask about him. I just feel so confused by the whole thing I'm currently on the wait to speak to someone from women's aid but I really feel read the messages and I wasn't sending xxxxx on the end so maybe I was being mean and pushing him away just so confused and lost

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 07/10/2023 13:03

Sorry OP, very stressful.
Don't be too confused though - it's pretty clear from his words and actions that he's extremely manipulative, self-obsessed and a shit father. He's shown you (and your daughter) who he is. He should seek help if he's in the habit of self harming but that is his responsibility, not yours. Your priority is to protect yourself and your daughter.

Original poster
leavingabusetoday · 07/10/2023 13:12

Mmhmmn · 07/10/2023 13:03

Sorry OP, very stressful.
Don't be too confused though - it's pretty clear from his words and actions that he's extremely manipulative, self-obsessed and a shit father. He's shown you (and your daughter) who he is. He should seek help if he's in the habit of self harming but that is his responsibility, not yours. Your priority is to protect yourself and your daughter.

Sorry it's confusing I'm so confused myself I feel so sad and lost at the moment thank you for responding

OP posts:
Frequency · 07/10/2023 13:15

How is your daughter now?

I'm sorry your ex is putting you through this. I had an ex who would frequently tell me he would kill himself if I ever left him, though he never went as far as self-harming. It's hard but you need to remember you are not responsible for his mental health or his actions. He is the only one who can help himself and only he is responsible for his actions.

Focus on yourself and your DC.

StBrides · 07/10/2023 13:16

You are not the abusive one here, he is.

Classic coercive control here - gaslighting, self harm to manipulate etc.

I'm so glad you're waiting to speak to Womens Aid.

I hope he is still an ex? Don't go back to him.

Since leaving, has his behaviour become more extreme? This will be an attempt to control because you're taking his power away by leaving. You're doing brilliantly.

You need support though, do you have friends and family you can speak to? Can you talk to your gp?

Original poster
leavingabusetoday · 07/10/2023 13:17

Frequency · 07/10/2023 13:15

How is your daughter now?

I'm sorry your ex is putting you through this. I had an ex who would frequently tell me he would kill himself if I ever left him, though he never went as far as self-harming. It's hard but you need to remember you are not responsible for his mental health or his actions. He is the only one who can help himself and only he is responsible for his actions.

Focus on yourself and your DC.

Thank you so much she is okay and home thank you for asking

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 07/10/2023 13:19

His reaction to being dumped is not your problem.

Make sure he stays your ex, otherwise you'll get this shit constantly, escalated to threats of ending his life and all that involves in order to terrorise you into staying with him and doing things his way at all times (which will mean that he wants to be put first over everything else, including your child).

Original poster
leavingabusetoday · 07/10/2023 13:25

StBrides · 07/10/2023 13:16

You are not the abusive one here, he is.

Classic coercive control here - gaslighting, self harm to manipulate etc.

I'm so glad you're waiting to speak to Womens Aid.

I hope he is still an ex? Don't go back to him.

Since leaving, has his behaviour become more extreme? This will be an attempt to control because you're taking his power away by leaving. You're doing brilliantly.

You need support though, do you have friends and family you can speak to? Can you talk to your gp?

Hey well he actually just blocked me which is good but he did it the day his daughter was in hospital knowing my mum who currently has Covid can't help so left me alone luckily a friend came and picked me and my daughter up. Just felt so guilty all night but hearing things here it's changing my mind I think when friends say it I feel like they are just trying to make me feel good but he's actually not kind.
Thank you for your time !!

OP posts:
thedevill666 · 07/10/2023 13:52

Sounds like he has MH issues as well as being manipulating

StBrides · 07/10/2023 13:56

@leavingabusetoday listen to your friends.

And please don't rely on him to help you out, even if it's childcare related. It just gives him an opening to exert control and level abuse.

I can't see him being a particular good father either so I'd keep your expectations low.

He's more than unkind, he's abusive. Sounds like he will try anything to re-exert control over you so be careful. There are lots of useful resources on womens aid website and also the refuge website should you still be having trouble speaking to someone.

ConnieTucker · 07/10/2023 14:02

Since he has blocked you, block him now and contact via email in future.

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