Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

SAHM - finances

28 replies

Sahlives · 07/10/2023 09:13

2 kids under 4. DH high earner (400k+). I did ok pre kids (c100k).

Prior to having kids, we always managed our finances separately. I have about 50k invested but my DH (thanks to a few good years of promotion and bonuses) now has about 400k.

Here's the thing - we talk about what to spend it on. We have just bought a house that needs some work. We discuss 'our' finances but I just feel uncomfortable that essentially he has all the access to the bulk of our wealth and I have little by comparison.

How would you feel about my situation? It is unreasonable of me to request access to his savings after many years of saving separately? I don't think he's keen and this is what concerns me.

Also pensions - he's not topping up my pension. He's not against doing it but slightly bemused as he says if we divorce I will just get half of his anyway. So should I be pushing for it regardless?

I don't know if it's tiredness or peri brain fog (I'm in my 40s) but do not know what is reasonable and unreasonable of me anymore. Please give me some perspective

OP posts:

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/10/2023 08:36

Marygoesround

i don’t disagree that a parent (mother !) is ideally the optimal person to care for a child in their formative years

and in fact ideally we’d live in a community with other peers and elders supporting too

but it’s 2023 , inflation , consumerism , instability - and 1 in 3 marriages or LP partnerships end

the internet has kindly increased opportunities for cheating and even more critically is raising expectations and therefore depression and mental health issues abound

so all in all having kids and risking your income is a big fucking risk

I wish it wasn’t so

llamadrama16 · 08/10/2023 08:41

Sahlives · 07/10/2023 19:40

Yes I am registered for national insurance credits.

It has definitely made me rethink going back to work. I was going to wait until youngest is off to school but I think when they turn 3 will be better.

Day to day I don't go without. He's not tight as such & doesn't monitor spending or anything like that. From the outside you'd think 'we' were wealthy but my feeling is that "he" is wealthy. He reassures me we are one but the fact remains that all savings are in his name (bar what I have).

I feel insecure and a bit vulnerable seeing my savings and pensions stagnate and if he left me, I'm a bit f***

DH has set it all up that our savings are all in my name. We earn enough in interest every month that he would have to pay tax at the highest rate on it, but because I'm not earning I don't have the same issue.

rentingthisglove · 08/10/2023 09:11

My ex took all 'our' savings when we spilt up and spent the lot/distributed the money with family/friends. It was a significant amount of money. I also did not get any of this pension despite not having a pension of my own.

The male judge did not believe I required any of the above because I was minimally housed.

Don't rely on someone who is already being unreasonable to become more reasonable when they have had want they wanted from you (providing & raising their children) when you divorce.

Flip

1 2