BPD & abandonment issues rship

[crazyscottsmum]

I struggle really bad with abandonment issues and he's left me 2 or 3 times for a weekend bender. In 3 years. If he wanted to go for a drink I wouldn't stop him, but it's if we've had a few drinks, av went to bed n woke up and he's gone.. no calls, no texts, patching the phone (he has pdst) and I know he does it to feel numb once it all builds up. But my main issue is the abandoned... I do believe he's not been with anyone as usually just sits n drinks with his pal. But it's the waken up and him gone!! My head does over time, I analyse everything. Especially if we're getting on great then one morning he's gone. A mean it's not a lot in 3 years, but av never stopped him drinking or going out with mates but he never wants to, he would rather be home (2 teens from previous rship and 1 year old baby with him) he knows how much it hurts me, and can't be any more sorry once sobered up and sees the mess am in. But I can't get my head round it. The one thing he knows and he does it. Obviously there's more to BPD than that, but that's my main issue. He says am hard work at times, which I get, he's my FP (favourite person) so if I text n don't get a response etc I start to take panic attacks and all sorts of mental thoughts go through my head. I've told him if he does it again we're finished and just be friends/co parent as he's an amazing dad. But if he does it again it will seriously mess my head up as it takes months to try be normal after it. Anyone else have BPD abandonment issues?

I also have bpd so I understand but mn won’t be very kind to your replies I expect. We can’t help how we are. People with BPD are extremely misunderstood as were seen as toxic from our characteristics which is a slap in the face as our trauma that we got them from is then forgot because of how difficult we are.

Unfortunately no suggestions for you OP. It’s life for us. People will probably be along to tell you coping strategies but they don’t understand that they won’t work. It’s how our brains are physically wired. No wonder some countries have approved our condition for assisted suicide.

Hi! My partner has bpd, it's a fairly new diagnosis but the traits have been there for many years. He also has abandonment issues.
In my opinion, what your partner is doing to you is cruel. You've said he knows how much it hurts you so you have clearly told him this is a problem for you, and sounds also like a trigger for you.

He's called you hard work, if you're anything like my partner then that's likely correct but you at least acknowledge this. He also has the choice to not be In the relationship if he thinks you're that much hard work....my partner has been more than hard work at times and has put me through hell in the past. However I made the decision to stand by him, I decided to support him and I continuously remind him of that so he doesn't feel like I'm putting up with him, I'm also reassuring him regularly that I will never abandon him providing he sticks to certain things and doesn't cross certain lines.

Although the traits have been there a long time, the diagnosis itself is fairly new to the both of us and we are both still learning. But ffs Evan I've learnt very quickly about the fear of abandonment that comes with most peoples bpd and I've learnt the triggers. I would never ever put my partner through any kind of metal pain purposely, especially when it's something that could be helped with a simple thing like a text message, or waking you up before he goes just to let you know. Surely that reassurance would take only about 10 seconds out of your partners day?! Whereas not offering you that just fucks your life for about 3 months.

I'm sorry but I just think that's cruel. If he isn't willing to learn about your mental health, educate himself on triggers, and speak to you about what he can do to help, as well as trying to prevent being the cause of a trigger then he shouldn't be with you. I understand that for him it can be hard work and difficult, I'm living that same life everyday. But for Christ sake, sparing 10 seconds to send a text when he vanishes could prevent you splitting, therefore prevent some of that hard work he's complaining about 🙄

Sorry you are struggling BTW, you're worth a lot more than someone who is willingly putting you in this position and making you feel so crap!