Struggling on dating apps as a woman, any advice?

[Tcbay52]

22F here. I just don't know what to do anymore. A pattern has developed of men from tinder ghosting me/stringing me along for an ego boost/putting me on the bench/not replying to the first message/asking me out only to later say they're busy or sick, or only to unmatch me before the date/only wanting ons or fwb. It's not just on tinder, it happens on the other apps too.

Normally I think of myself as a pretty girl, not beautiful but definitely not ugly. I'm slim and neat. However, all of this is taking a toll on my self esteem and I'm starting to feel hideous and undesirable. Whenever I find a man attractive he's not into me. I'm not really opting for model looking guys but even the moderately attractive ones don't bite. However, all the men who flock to me/message me first/quickly ask me out are just unattractive to me lookswise and I wouldn't be happy with them. And if they're not unattractive they don't meet my other education criteria such as studying or having a degree, or they're from another country with a completely different culture/religion & I don't want to get involved no matter how much I like them. I've collected a real big number of matches, I've been on tinder for years on and off. I think it's been a year now since I've been actively using it again. It's crazy to me that I literally can't find anyone to date long term. What's interesting though, when I change my location to other countries way more interesting men hit me up, while those in here run like hell from me. I don't get that either. Is it a location issue? I live in a big capital city.

I'm starting to feel as though I'm not even worthy enough to be attracted to my partner. People have told me to lower my standards but honestly, would a man date a woman he finds unattractive? I doubt it so I don't see why I should do charity work. In my profile description I stated I'm looking for a ltr. My photos include a full body shot in a midi dress and some other shots, not very provocative. The last photo is mainly a face shot with nicely done hair. I have little makeup, maybe that's the problem? Should I just give up on apps altogether since there's too much competition?

I have no opportunities to meet men outside of apps, I'm currently not working but I'm at university. I don't really have friends there to go on parties or activities with. The two guys who approached me were not my type. I don't want to approach random guys as they're literally strangers to me. It seems my only choices right now are to settle for someone I'm not attracted to at all or to accept being single and lonely which is also becoming mentally hard on me since I've never had a boyfriend, never had sex either. It's not about the sex though, I'm just missing companionship and being close to someone.

Try not to get yourself down about not finding someone fast enough, you're young and got plenty of time. I was around your age when I first did OLD and although marriage came out of it and some good things, it was rushed out of wanting to find someone and was very bad overall.

As far as I'm aware from what I've read, there are a lot of guys like that on OLD. I don't know if that is the case personally as I am one but seems to be common. Those aren't worth knowing and wouldn't settle down or end up worse so don't stress on those ones faffing about and ghosting.

All I can say otherwise is maybe open your criteria a bit on education. Not everyone has degrees and a degree doesn't necessarily determine someone's intelligence or how successful they are. I know that may be important to you but worth thinking about.

Understand you feel lonely and like your missing out but trust that finding a relationship to fill that gap can turn out very bad. Take things slow, trust your gut and don't feel pressured by anyone.

Ultimately, don't stress, there will be someone out there, nothing wrong with you I'm sure but unfortunately sometimes it takes sifting through time wasters and those who will take advantage.

You will hate people saying this but you are still very young.

I agree online dating is sh1t. There is some diamond in the chaff though.

Absolutely do not lower your standards. If you want long term make sure you are with someone you want to be with long term.

You may find once you are done with uni and working there is a better pool of men interested. Like you have criteria you want met they will too and uni isn't working and self supporting. There is also all the stigma around students.

Give it time and don't stress. Maybe join some friends apps or get a hobby so you can find companionship in other ways.

Also don't focus too much on looks. Looks change. I once had a partner I found super attractive but he then put on a load of weight and I just thought he was gross and lazy. And don't forget you will age too!! Base a relationship on looks and he may leave you for a younger model when you are not at pert as you are now.

Definitely don't lower your standards. Much better to be single than in a crappy relationship.
I would focus on building up your friendship group for now and doing more social activities with those friends. Any clubs at your university you can join?

And good luck! I hope you manage to find what you're looking for.

This is a rare moment where I'm actually going to say, it might be you. Not on the websites, because at your age the best men are probably not on them, you are looking at a pool of dregs is your problem. Some good looking pics will be fakes, the genuine ones are ones you and others haven't fancied IRL.
So, we come to why you are on there, why and how you have not made friends at uni , because basically you should be spoilt for choice in that environment. So that is down to your personality and not mixing IRL. Perhaps look at what you can do differently. Join some activity club, meet new people, and don't knock back a party invite.

Download the Meetup app. Get involved in groups of friends and try this... make friends rather than be ghosted by OLD. so many fake profiles.

Basically get off OLD sites and do real life instead, because that is what the good guys are doing at your age.

I'm in my 50s and find there just be a lot more women on these sites than men bec the conversation dries up fast then after weeks they come back because obviously their
First picks have gone !

You seem very picky and don't give men a chance. No offence but you do seem to feel superior about yourself and it shows in the contemptuous way you speak of men. Calling men who don't reach your standards 'charity work' is an awful thing to say. You are probably putting men off with your attitude.

The ratio varies depending on which app it is. Tinder is about 80% men and 20% women. Some of the other ones are more like 70/30 or 65/35 men to women, but there are always way more men. I suspect that a lot of the older men waste time trying to pursue younger women that will never give them the time of day and then get a reality check and go back to more compatible matches. I certainly got inundated with messages from men in their 40s, 50s, and even 60s (!!) until I set an age cap on who could see my profile.

OP, your standards aren’t too high and you’re right that it isn’t too much to ask to be attracted to your partner. This is a really common issue on dating apps though; in fact, I’ve had an almost identical experience. Honestly as annoying as it is the answer is to get out into the world and meet people organically. The men that you’re looking for are experienced enough and comfortable enough with women to not need to use dating apps because they meet enough people on their own, so they usually aren’t on them.

Hi @Tcbay52
Don't give up on the apps hun. I was on Tinder swiping day and night and eventually found my husband xx

You say you don’t have opportunities to meet guys outside of apps, but you’re at university. That’s the perfect opportunity! Join as many university clubs and societies as you can and you’ll meet loads of people with similar interests. Not just men, but women you can make friends with and widen your social circle and go to clubs and parties with. Get to know people on your degree course and you’ll meet their friends too.

It’s a shame that young people like yourself see dating apps as the only way to meet people. They are really not. Meeting people in real life isn’t easy at some later stages of life it’s true, but at university your opportunities should be endless! Sooo many people meet long term partners there (including myself, my daughter, my son and lots of our friends of all ages). But you’ve got to get out from behind your phone screen and make the effort to meet people in real life.

@NutellaNut I absolutely agree! University is absolutely the best opportunity to meet someone IRL rather than the weirdness that comes with online dating. Go for coffee/drinks with people on your course or flatmates, join clubs and societies, take advantage of being able to do all the things that become more difficult later. You don't need to try and be a party animal if that's not you, but definitely make the most of being able to meet a wide circle of people.

Firstly, I think OLD is a numbers game. But secondly, I also think that setting strict criteria doesn’t work. I realise I’m going against the grain on MN, and it’s nothing to do with lowering expectations, but I think strict criteria just don’t always work when it comes to dating. My fiancé is the love of my life and perfect for me. I’ve luckily met him in real life, because had I met him online, he’d been an instant swipe left because he didn’t fit the criteria I set for men I want to date. But since I met him offline and actually got to talk to him first (before knowing that he doesn’t fit my ‘criteria’), I just fell in love and now I realise that what I previously thought I wanted in a man had nothing to do with compatibility or with how well I’m getting on with someone.

The good guys your age are doing sports, traveling or studying. Get out and do things in the real world and leave apps behind.

Old is a shit show.

It should not - in any way - be your only source of dating potentials.

You need to join clubs,take up hobbies, sports etc. Even if you make new female friends & acquaintances; they may have a social group with single men, friends of boyfriends etc.

As for education .... It's nice to have someone in the same educational circumstances as you, but keep in mind that quite a lot of people take different routes to careers.

Some tradesmen, for example, earn well. Some tradesmen go on to professions via hnds, access degrees etc. My h was a joiner when I met him, he then did an hnd, got a job as a quantity surveyor, did his degree part-time, became a commercial manager in a construction & civil engineering firm and out earns me by vast amounts. People take different routes, you need to look at their work ethic and brains and plans.

While there are a few good catches on OLD, as the posts on this website show there is an awful lot of losers too. What a waste of time and emotional energy. When singles get older, it is understandable that they rely on OLD because they will have work commitments, children, caring duties for elders and other factors that prevent them going out and meeting people. However, a woman your age does not have those commitments, so you are more likely to meet someone with shared interests through a hobby, or by volunteering or a sport. It is also not good to think your life will be better if you had a boyfriend. Relationships only work out in a happy and fruitful way when each person is happy in their own skin. Men of your age are not interested in long term serious relationships like they are when they get a bit older and want to settle down. My advice is to step away from the cess pit of OLD. A lot of men on OLD are just looking for a one night stand, or a casual sexual relationship with no ties. Why not wait until you get your degree, your first job and then place yourself in locations where there are men. I have always found partners through training courses, hobbies, parties, sitting in cafes reading a book and shared professional interests. People are too dependent on OLD, and it is a sweet shop. You think you found a good man only to discover he has gone off with the next swipe a week later.