Hi all,
This is going to be a long one but I appreciate you listening.
So basically.. nearly 3 years ago my mum died at age 48 after a 5 month battle with stage 4 cancer. She was remarried with my stepdad and they had a then 6 year old child together my (half) brother who I adore. He has autism and ADHD and obviously needs loads of extra help and support in life which my mum was great at, my stepdad not so much. It seemed he loved him, but was in denial of his diagnosis, didn't want to admit it, didn't physically bother with him much in terms of playing.. taking him out etc.
Anyway from when my stepdad came in my life which was when I was probably around 13 he was very nice.. when we first met he gave me a mobile phone as a present etc. as time went on we continued to get along. He was helpful in regards to giving me lifts places etc. everything seemed normal. When we were one on one he was very chatty which was nice but when we had people over such as my then boyfriend or anyone else (but not a full household of people) he would often wind me up, take the Micky out of me to the point he knew it was upsetting and aggravating me, then when I would react or have enough I would be the bad guy. anyway, he would also just do things like of me or my mum had a fall out he would also just ignore me up until we made up, he seemed to like it when me and my mum weren't talking. He would do things like write on her Facebook about how she is amazing and does everything for people and is not appreciated etc. always felt aimed at me. I would like to mention that she had freshly came out of a very physically abusive relationship which lasted years before entering a relationship with my stepdad.
So that's a bit of background info.
Anyway, when my mum became sick we seemed or so I thought to really really support each-other. He would always pick me up so I could see my mum, he would lend me money when I was struggling to work, I would go and give him company when my mum was in hospital or just have general chats with him and show support. We seemed to develop a close relationship from her being sick which was nice.
My mum was very depressed and suffering alot and he wasn't really there for her hospital appointments, he would easily get annoyed with her, he told her he didn't want her family members over for Christmas even though it would be her last (she died two weeks after) due to covid and he doesn't want certain people there etc.. even though she did. He actually made her cry. Yet on Christmas Day his mum and brother came into our house. I don't know why I didn't speak up about this behaviour but at the time I just felt so much empathy for him and what he must be going through I thought it was his emotions all over the place. Obviously my main concern was my mum but I wanted everyone to just be okay.
So it gets to the few days before her death, he didn't come to her bedside at the hospice, obviously people had their opinions which they kept to them self including me but I chose to keep an open mind, I may not agree with his decision but I respected that it was very personal to him and I never insulted him for it or even said anything about it to him.
So then.. she died. And as soon as she died he changed but that is obviously expected. I took her phone with me when she died as I was there, so I took it to give to him when I saw him. He turned up at my house late at night wanting it but other than that not talking to me really.. but again we were all grieving and for anyone who's been through it I'm sure you know it can drive you crazy but he was acting off.. he was doing things like writing on Facebook and saying to neighbours that my mum loved him more than anybody else etc. trying to ban people from her funeral that had ticked him off in anyway etc..
So before the funeral he bought up a situation.. years ago just before him and my mum got married my mums sisters husband tried it on with my mum.. she told my stepdad but kept it quiet from my aunt I assume to not break their family apart. She didn't want to hurt anybody. My Stepdad knew the whole time and didn't ever do anything about it and was always polite to my uncle? But when she died he tried to expose it which I somewhat understand due to anger and grief etc but it was random and he tried to bring me into it and accuse me of being a liar when I said I didn't want to get involved.. at the end of the day they are my family and I didn't want to lose anybody else.
Anyway. I was still messaging him.. asking him to come over see my
Little brother etc.. he would just say no but never gave me a reason why. I would turn up at the house he would tell me to go away. I was devastated and kept fighting to see him but always got turned down
I found out from a family friend that behind my back during my mums illness he would actually say things like he didn't want me over due to covid etc. I also found out that some months before he called me a dirty 'racist slur' lover as my boyfriend was mixed race. My mum was upset by all these things and I felt hurt that he seemed so fake?
My stepdads mother put notes on my mums grave with petty remarks about other people which I removed (obviously) and he called the police on me for removing stuff from a grave.
I phoned him and asked him for a reason for all this he said he is better than me and everyone else and he makes the rules, and he will get authorities involved on me? He still never gave a reason for completely cutting me off.
At my mothers funeral he was very stand offish, didn't let me have any involvement but he did hug me in front of people.
So he cut me, all my mums family and her friends from him and my little brothers life completely.
Fast forward two years and his mum gets in touch with me making excuses for him still but saying she will meet me with my little brother. So she did and I had seen him every few months only with her there as well. about a month ago she reached out to see if I wanted to have him at the weekend to stay over night just with me. I of course said yes and have seen him nearly every weekend since, he is a handful due to his diagnosis. Swears, says things that he has heard from his dad such as I am not part of the family, mummy would be disgusted in me etc? Everyone was horrible to his family. It seems that mostly his mum who is nearly 70 has my brother the majority of the time, mornings and evenings and every weekend I think.
Then about a week ago his mum contacted me again saying my stepdad would like a favour from me which is could I have him for this Saturday night whilst he goes for a meal. I agreed and she said he would call me. He did and he acted completely normal. Hello darling how's work, your mum would be so proud (then cries) i was polite and civil especially for my brothers sake. I got off the phone and ever since have felt deep remorse and sadness for my stepdad. I have other people around me telling me not to get sucked in, he just wants to use you as a babysitter as his mum can't handle it. Yet I can't shake the deep remorse and sorrow I feel for him and it is eating me up. He's coming to drop him to me tomorrow and I feel like I can't set any boundary and I will be too nice. I can't set boundaries or stop feeling empathy after all he has put me through. I'm questioning myself and everything that has happened. He hasn't even let me in my family home which was my home years before he came along and was bought before with my deceased grandparents will. My mum made a will for the house to be left to her children. I went to the solicitors with her and waited in the car when she did it. I found out after she died that when she was in hospital a letter got sent for her to sign and it was never signed so she died in intestate and everything goes to him. I do know he wasn't happy about her will decision as a friend of hers heard him arguing with her about it when she was not well.
My mum would often say things like 'he's not what you think he is' but then that would be during an argument and later on when they're made up she wouldn't say them things so people just thought nothing of it really.
I need help as my mind is consumed and I feel anxious about allowing him in my space again, and at the same time feel so sorry for him and want to be kind to him. Either way I have to look out for my little brother who has nobody else in life due to losing his mum and having all of his family cut off from him - and I can only do that by being civil with my stepdad, what sort of person am I dealing with here. Sometimes I think he is a narc but I have seen him fry several times over my mum dying over her getting sick and to me the other day on the phone? He has been so nice and supportive to me during her illness etc. I just feel confused and quite drained to be honest. Please help.