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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Happier when he’s gone - not right, is it?

28 replies

Bluewall101 · 06/10/2023 21:58

DH and I haven’t been in a great place for a while now. I’ve been putting it down to various stresses - work/family/financial - recent years have been a lot. We’ve been together a long long time and have 3 lovely teenagers - I really can’t imagine what splitting would do to them, it breaks my heart to think of it.

But the truth is, I’m unhappy. I have been excusing/blaming it on all the external stress - but the truth is, DH is a grumpy, critical asshole too much of the time. He was away for work last week and the whole house felt lighter and happier, and I felt more myself. More relaxed, less stressed. Anyone else had similar? Xx

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 06/10/2023 22:01

I have in the past and I think lots of people have.

Do you want to do something about it?

Would you want to try counselling or is it past that?

Original poster
Bluewall101 · 06/10/2023 22:21

@theduchessofspork thank you. Not sure re counselling- I have suggested it in the past to help him cope with his mood swings and the issues within his own family - he refused. I’ve had therapy myself and found it invaluable.

Just increasingly feeling like perhaps this isn’t a ‘bad time’ for us - maybe it’s really that our relationship is bad ☹️

If I’m honest, I am miserable- which I have put down to all the challenging shit that surrounds us. But when he was away I felt better. And tonight, I got home from a lovely few hours out…and within seconds of walking through the door, he was making me stressed.

OP posts:
fedupallthisrubbish · 06/10/2023 22:23

Yes my husband has been away all week in a different country married 19 years - 4 children one with complex Sen and it’s been blissful. Really enjoyable no dramas.

it makes you think that it’s them that’s the issue with life? To make everything seem so unhappy

id take a week like this any time ….. I thought it was just life but makes you realise what the issue is.

OP - Is he due away again soon? I’m looking forward to him going away again

Original poster
Bluewall101 · 06/10/2023 22:36

@fedupallthisrubbish - thank you and sorry you are experiencing similar. It does feel alarming doesn’t it? You sound like you have even more on your plate than I do - and whilst my DH does pick up his share of the domestic slack, the house is calmer and lighter when he’s gone. I feel really sad because it says so much.
I’ve never particularly depended on him emotionally- all these people who say their partner is their best friend just left me thinking ‘well you don’t have good enough friends’ 😂 - but now I feel like genuinely, he brings me down …

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 06/10/2023 22:50

Hard though it is to say: I think you are going through what you need to go through to figure out how to get clear. I mean its not easy to decide to make a change and you are going to have to grasp how unhappy you are before you make up your mind to choose freedom.

Your teenagers will be grown and moved on soon. Can you imagine living like this alone with this grumpy husband? What would a second act look like? If your dh is miserable and forces that misery onto you is there anyway he would seek help to change or is this it for him?

Wanttobefree2 · 06/10/2023 22:57

I had this situation and realised that when he went out I would let out a sign of relief. It took a few years but I have left now and glad I did. On reflection I realised he has annoyed the shit out of me for years and just moaned about how hard his life was (it wasn’t!) and just generally made life harder :-(

Original poster
Bluewall101 · 06/10/2023 23:03

@pikkumyy77 - thank you. Yes it’s difficult to imagine what life would look like once the kids have grown. In the past he’s suggested he really looks forward to the time when he gets ‘us’ back - but in all honesty, since I’ve had the kids I’ve always dreaded the thought of them leaving home. I know we are here to give them wings so they fly - and they will, and I will cope…but look forward to it just being me and Dh again? No. I know the stress will lessen but I increasingly think I’m more myself without him.

The summer before last I took the kids on holiday to see friends who live abroad. Ir felt quite daunting navigating everything alone but it was fine - I had a great tim . When DH joined us several days later (there was only so much time he could take off work), I felt tense and uncomfortable. He wasn’t brilliant company for our hosts, and I was embarrassed tbh.

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 06/10/2023 23:04

I felt like you. What has made me decide to divorce now after nearly 40 years is the thought of being with him 24/7 when he retires in a couple of years time. If I can barely cope on his days off then the shared future isn't looking good.

Your teenagers will fly the nest, your husband will retire. Think hard and imagine it. How does that make you feel? Be honest.

Original poster
Bluewall101 · 06/10/2023 23:08

@Wanttobefree2 and @Pixiedust1234 - thank you! I would love to hear more about how you made the change. I feel incredibly lost. I have no family support whatsoever and financial position is a little precarious too….but I keep returning to ‘do I want to live the next 30 years of my life like this?’

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 06/10/2023 23:17

I am curious to hear what other posters say. Does the decision to leave come first and then the plan, or the plan take shape before the decision? There is a long running thread about a sulky husband which started with a small complaint and morphed into sucessfull if multi year, separation and divorce.

Pussygaloregalapagos · 06/10/2023 23:23

Yes. it is normal. Me and DH mostly live in different countries. Something recently has triggered him being home more and I have swiftly got a job that requires me to be away often.

You are the conductor or your life! Get a job overseas... or suggest that he does!

theresastormcoming · 06/10/2023 23:32

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Bluewall101 · 06/10/2023 23:39

@Pussygaloregalapagos - sounds wonderful, but unfortunately I don’t have a job that could take me abroad - and also have three kids who need me here. One day maybe!

@theresastormcoming - so what happened next? Were the freedom weeks enough?! I read a lot of awful things on here…DH isn’t having an affair or abusive, he does his fair share around the house -BUT he’s also belligerent and critical, and I feel like I can’t stand it anymore.

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 07/10/2023 00:04

BUT he’s also belligerent and critical, and I feel like I can’t stand it anymore

What makes you think this isn't abusive behaviour?

I used to feel like this about my ex. Light and relieved when he was away because everything was easier and more fun. When he was back, I was anxious, walking on eggshells to avoid setting him off, frustrated by what seemed to be his weaponised incompetence that left me doing the lion's share of the housework... and guilty for feeling like I preferred things when he wasn't there.

I wasn't seeing that the reason I preferred it when he was away was that he WAS abusive.

Pixiedust1234 · 07/10/2023 00:26

I haven't changed anything except started the divorce online and telling him to his face that our marriage isn't working and I'm not happy anymore. Told him I didn't want to argue or lay blame but it was happening. Basically said it was me (he's an abusive man so this was my safest way). 20 week cooling period ends just after Christmas so I'm sure it will get nasty then.

I have no job, no family, no friends. I'm disabled too (yay) and the only way I can afford to leave is to sell the house and split it. My income will be PIP and hopefully a lodger. It's just about doable, especially if I'm lucky to qualify for a food bank. But you know what? He already sometimes withholds food and I've gone without for years regarding food, clothing, medicine as I've always put the children first, so I already know I can cope.

Look at what the worst is, see if there might be a buffer/help, and then ask yourself honestly if you could cope. For context I've investigated cooking and bathing aids and doing a cheaper DIY divorce, learning about possible future benefits. I can do online food shops and get medication delivered to the door so don't need a car. Look at rightmove and see what the minimum is. Mine is a mid 2bed terrace in a not very good area or I can move away from adult children for a better area. Not quite decided yet. My life will be different, but ohhhhh so much better without the anger, resentment and sometimes the fear.

You know what started my process? The fact he made me so low I was seriously contemplating suicide, I was days away from it. I shook myself and made a GP appointment for antidepressants then realised I was medicating myself just to stay married. My choice was heavy drugs or death. That is when I realised I had to find a way to leave as I didn't want to choose either. Already I'm in a better place mentally (and drug free) despite still living with him.

Ooof, long post. Sorry.

theresastormcoming · 07/10/2023 00:28

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
Bluewall101 · 07/10/2023 00:30

@CheekyHobson - thank you. I guess because I don’t think there’s any level of coercive control or emotional manipulation - and certainly no physical violence - I automatically feel a bit weird calling it abuse. And really, I don’t tread on eggshells as such - I usually call him out on his vile moods - though I notice I seem to be doing this less because I cannot be arsed with the row that ensues afterwards.

but the snappiness, grumpiness, shouting and stonewalling is just exhausting ☹️

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 07/10/2023 00:41

The thing is, I think wanting time to yourself, especially as you get older, is not unusual, even in a good marriage. DH and I have been married over 35 years. I relish the times he's away for a few days. He's a guy with a naturally big voice and clomping feet who has to have 'background noise' on. As I've gotten older I've craved silence and 'quietude'. So when he's gone I turn off the TV, walk quietly and keep the house as silent as I can. I visit a friend for 2 weeks every year. I'm sure he enjoys me not reminding him to lower his voice or me turning off the TV the second he leaves the room. The difference is that we're both happy to see each other when we come home and our 'flaws' are simply part of the person we love.

If I felt miserable at the thought of my husband walking in the door, I'd end the marriage. In fact I know a man who announced his to his wife that he'd put in his papers and was retiring in 3 months. He came home 2 months later to an empty house, half their money gone, and a letter saying she'd left and had filed for a divorce. He couldn't understand why she'd leave him. But WE understood. He was a blowhard who only talked about himself and who treated her like a household appliance. She could deal with it when she basically only saw him on the weekends, but the idea of being with him 24/7/365 was just too much for her to deal with.

CheekyHobson · 07/10/2023 01:31

I don’t think there’s any level of coercive control or emotional manipulation

I usually call him out on his vile moods - though I notice I seem to be doing this less because I cannot be arsed with the row that ensues afterwards.

No emotional manipulation? If you are not raising issues because his reaction is too exhausting, upsetting or makes raising things pointless, you are absolutely being emotionally manipulated.

but the snappiness (…) shouting and stonewalling is just exhausting

All this is deeply disrespectful to you as an individual and a partner and is an abuse of your dignity, your sense of safety, your goodwill and the promises inherent in partnership.

Abuse is behaviour that seeks to diminish or control another. It’s widely tolerated because our culture fails to thoroughly teach self-respect, other-respect, personal rights and boundaries, in general but especially so for women.

You don’t deserve to be treated this way. Changing your financial capacity in order to leave an abusive (or simply dissatisfactory - which yours isn’t) relationship can feel very hard, but it’s doable and will give you a much better quality of life.

UhOhEeek75 · 07/10/2023 02:51

It sounds like you don't need to/aren't planning to make an imminent decision to leave, but you could hash yourself a (secret) plan to become financially independent that would put you in a solid position to leave in the medium term? If counselling works and you rekindle things then great, but if not you will be able to walk away and make yourself happy!

On a side note, my mother and her husband (not my father) lived together for many years but for various reasons ended up buying separate houses in their 50s. Still together but live separately and it seems to work for them. Sometimes you just need your own space!

StormingNorman · 04/09/2024 21:14

I once asked a friend how you know when it’s the right decision break up with someone. Her answer was relief. The sheer relief of them not being around.

It sounds quite similar to what you’ve experienced this past week. It also sounds like your teens might have felt the same??

I hate to say LTB but she was a very wise and kind soul so I thought it was worth sharing x

WhichEllie · 04/09/2024 21:30

This thread is nearly a year old. I wonder if OP is still around and made a decision on this. @Bluewall101

Itsdefinitelytimeforanamechange · 04/09/2024 21:48

Oops sorry didn’t notice!

unsync · 04/09/2024 22:06

The relief I felt the instant I realised my (far too long) marriage was over was visceral.

The divorce process was horrendous (he was abusive and covid happened), but seven years from split and two from Absolute and I have never been happier.

I cannot begin to imagine how awful lockdown or retirement with him would have been, the thought of it makes me shudder. One of my friends asked me last week if I ever wonder what he's up to and I realised that I never think about him. It is wonderful to be so free of him.