Am I in the wrong here?

[Halliej]

Me and my husband have two children, one with autism, and we have no support network and very little time for date nights etc. We both work from home, but he works in the office twice a week. We get on well but have the occasional bicker over trivial stuff, as all married couples. He’s been off work sick for two months with stress and due back next week. I have a chronic illness and have been working my butt of this last two weeks as my work load has been huge. I also spent the day at hospital the day before yesterday with my son, and tomorrow I’m in hospital for myself for an appointment. Things are a bit samey atm and things feel a bit strained.

Anyway il get to the point, I’ve been out with work today at a meeting, came home, he kindly made our tea, I had a bath and bathed my youngest. I came down after the kids were settled, and said should we do the dishes, then I said infact would you mind nipping to the shop for some snacks whilst I tackle the dishes, that was that. I’m washing the dishes when I shouted from the kitchen that he’d put one of daughters bottles in the sink again which can’t get wet (it’s a light up bottle, the bottom needs to come off when washing) I didn’t raise my voice in the sense of shouting angrily, he didn’t reply, then he shouted a few minutes later - ‘have you finished shouting at me’ I tried to explain I didn’t shout to which he shouted ‘don’t f*ing shout at me like that again’ I tried to explain I didn’t shout but raised my voice so he could hear me as he was in the dining room, he continued to shout again and told me I can go to the shop myself. Now it all may sound quite petty and it does when I write it down but the way he swore and shouted at me the way he did really got to me, mostly because the kids were still awake and would have definitely heard him shouting like that at me.

I asked him not to speak to me like that and he said well don’t f**ing shout at me then.

I’ve come upstairs out the way, I feel so down, over worked and just like my relationship is strained lately. I feel like there is a tension in the air.

but now I’m thinking was I wrong for telling him about the bottle, or has he just massively over reacted?! Or maybe he wanted to relax rather than start the dishes.

Idk. Maybe it’s because im due on and extra sensitive tonight. I’ve not even got it in me to look at him 😞

He accused you of shouting to shut you down because he knew he was in the wrong. Next time don't shout into him....just go in and hold your hand out, if asks why, tell him money for bottle he fucked up

No you weren't at fault for that, it's kinda common sense that being in another room you may have to raise your voice.

However, having been in similar circumstances as you children wise it's important that you find some way of having a break. Either separately or together, you need some down time to recoup. Otherwise, it will manifest and everything is magnified out of exhaustion and running on vapours.

You've been out all day so he's had the DC I presume and cooked dinner. He's probably tense about the thought of going back to work. How important was it that you had snaks available- to me they are pretty unnecessary as much as unhealthy anyway.
Strategies to spend quality time together could be, do the dishes together- easier, quicker and its being a team. You seem to have instigated separate task allocation from the moment you got home having been apart all day.
How does the running of the home go? Do you do tasks simultaneously, but separately? Perhaps you've slipped into it, which creates a wedge. Maybe consider sharing tasks at the same time, by doing that you can actually chat at the same time rather than being in separate rooms.
Yes he was out of order in how he spoke to you, hopefully that you are shocked, shows its not the norm. Sometimes a hug and a chat can break down barriers. Ask how he is feeling about going back to work, that could be a part of it.

The children were at school. I appreciate what you’re saying about snacks not being healthy however we were planning a movie night, and he’d suggested it in the day we get snacks in and watch a movie.

He was frustrated as soon as I asked him to help do the dishes which is why I suggested he goes to the shop and il finish up the kitchen. I absolutely do not ‘instigate’ tasks, and I actually got home, bathed the children, read their books and settled them.

I also put the laundry away. My whole point of this was about the way he spoke to me and it really hit quite deep, but thank you for your view on it and I can see it from outside how I may look like a moaning wife. However I am doing my best to be a mum, wife, whilst holding down a full time job.

we haven’t spoken all night, I just wanted an apology which hasn’t come. I got up at 8am to take my daughter to her dance rehearsal. I don’t particularly feel like I am ready to speak to him, maybe everything has come to a head