Friendships terrify me

[zxcvbnm23]

For as long as I can remember, even in my early teens, I've found socialising exhaustingly difficult. I struggle with eye contact to the point it makes me feel physically uncomfortable, I am always worrying about saying the right things and not saying the wrong things, I'm terrified of accidentally upsetting people even when realistically I probably haven't done anything wrong. My mind goes into overdrive and I am constantly repeating situations I've been in over and over inside my head and finding fault with what I have done or said.

I love being on my own and sitting in the quiet. It's the environment I feel most comfortable in. If I know that I am able to stay home or away from people all day, I am buzzing. I'll happily make plans but when the day comes I am absolutely full of dread and try and find any excuse I can to get out of whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing, which I know is wrong.

The idea of having a close friend(s) or group of people that enjoy my company sounds lovely but when it comes to it, I don't want that. Friendships feel so demanding and draining to me (I'm in my late 20s now). I don't WANT to feel like this but I just can't help it.

If someone asks me to do something spontaneous/last minute/on the spot, I freak and feel so out of my comfort zone. I just want to go home and shut my front door.

I honestly don't know what is wrong with me. I feel like I'm not even compatible with life FGS. I feel pathetic and suicidal because I can't stand people but I'm going to have to go through this for the rest of my life. I can't hold a simple conversation. I am just so awkward.

Is this something I can speak to the GP about? Thanks for reading if you've got this far.

Good luck op!

Social anxiety op. I could of written your post myself. People assume it means your too afraid to go out or you can't socialize its not that at all it's the fear of being judged. More sore the fear of other people realizing you are anxious and out of your comfort zone and you worry they may pick up on cues. You should read up on it I've got a brilliant book which is helping me to understand why I am the way I am

Not read the full thread but your OP cried out autism to me. My younger DD is autistic and describes many of the same difficulties. Her diagnosis has been really freeing and affirming for her.

I have not read any replies, so this has probably already been said, but it sounds like you may possibly have autism. There are online tests you can do to see if you tick enough boxes to consider seeking a diagnosis. Certainly the eye contact struggles, the being unsure about the right or wrong thing to say, going over conversations and getting anxious, liking to be alone in the quiet... all those things fit. Could also be social anxiety, but that in itself is often a symptom of ASD. Just something to consider.

That is a very high score. I think it's worth mentioning that to the GP, and also maybe reading about ASD in females, and watching the Christine McGuiness documentary on iPlayer? My daughter is under CAMHS awaiting diagnosis, and I found that documentary really interesting, as a starting point. There are also loads of Facebook groups you could join to ask questions and discuss.

I have social anxiety and am very relationship avoidant. For me it's linked to trauma (bullied long term by peers as a child, abuse at home). I dissociate when it's v bad and it's like I'm not in my body. I'm not sure whether people really like me or if they are safe.

I was shy as a child but always found trust difficult as a young adult I put on a kind of fake confidence and was very driven to succeed in my chosen career. Was battling what I now have had diagnosed as complex trauma and borderline PD, but I was a natural performer (could sing in front of loads of people but one on one felt very anxious of how people felt about me, often felt unable to express myself to them, eye contact always difficult unless I was on stage . Now I struggle to answer phone or to stay focused when I meet people but I have been making progress. I think I want to connect with people and used to be painfully lonely when younger but I worry even those I consider friends don't like me deep down or wouldn't if I showed more of myself.

I don't think my post has helped at all, sorry.

OP l'm glad that you feel you are on the path to discovering that you are not alone in feeling the way you that you do. It's great that you are going to speak to your GP for advice and support. My adult son has recently had a diagnosis of ASD and so many things that had caused him extreme anxiety became clear. I wish you well and hope things improve for you.

Thank you for the new replies as well, they are also really helpful.

I forgot to mention when someone asked if I have a partner, I do, and we've been together for 11 years now. I do enjoy his company but there are plenty of times when I still want to be on my own even away from him so I'll just sit in another room in the house. I think he's coming around to the fact that this is just who I am and I don't mean anything personal by that and that I'm not being off. Like sometimes it's exhausting even being around him, lol! Bless him. I think he doesn't fully understand me and what goes on in my head but he's respectful of it.

Is it perfectly acceptable for me to go to the GP and tell them I think I might have autism? Sorry to sound silly, but what's the best way to approach the subject? I'm so scared I won't be taken seriously.

Yes, it would be absolutely reasonable to see your doctor and ask for an autism assessment. In the mean time, (waiting lists are long), you may find you are able to decide for yourself if you want to work with the assumption that you are indeed autistic. It is quite common, and often undiagnosed in women.

Friends are not essential. I know our culture insists that they are, but I scaled right back a couple of years ago on socialising and pursuing friendship and learned that I’m really content with my own company. I have no friends and I’ve never been more at peace in my life.

Is it perfectly acceptable for me to go to the GP and tell them I think I might have autism? Sorry to sound silly, but what's the best way to approach the subject? I'm so scared I won't be taken seriously.

Yes it is. The response will depend on your GP - mine said he would put me forward for formal assessment if I wanted, but he's not really in favour of labelling everything, and even if diagnosed, clearly I wasn't bad enough that I would need supported living or similar. I thought about it, and realised any diagnosis would mean I'm still me, and what I really wanted was for my manager, who was being a particular arse at that point, to piss off with his complaints about me. So I decided the problem was him, and while I do have some autistic traits, I'm doing okay, so didn't pursue it further. OTOH, a friend who was diagnosed in her 40s found it useful.

Yes it's fine to tell your GP and ask to be referred. Waiting lists are very long but in the meantime you can read up and educate yourself about it and hopefully not feel so alone. Its actually more common than you think, although it often goes undiagnosed in girls as they are better at masking than boys. Good luck OP.

Thank you so much everyone. I'm really glad I made this post, you've all been really kind and helpful.