Finding it hard to imagine a new relationship in middle age?

[blueberrynuffin]

I am in my mid 40's and fairly newly single, not ready to date again just yet but have had men I know show interest, old friends who are single, as well as other men I know so I think I could potentially find a new partner.

I just can't get my head round starting again in a way, with a man who has potentially had a whole life with someone else, who had children and a first marriage and all these memories with another person from their teens or twenties up to middle age. Obviously all that applies to me too and it just feels sad that with anyone I end up with we will never get to share all those times of life together and that all those memories will be with someone else.

I know people do it all the time but I just can't get my head round it at all.

I actually think this is the brain's way of preventing us from rushing into another relationship. The thought of the faff of dating someone, dredging through hundreds of low-effort messages from low-quality potential partners, arranging childcare in order to date, the mountainous-seeming task of getting to know someone, having to explain to them what you like in bed. That's before you even think about introducing children into the mix.

But when you're finally ready to date again, these things feel less like inconveniences, and more like opportunities. You get to meet up with new people, hear different stories and world views, eat interesting food, have a night out, learn and teach new bedroom tricks, etc etc.

It took me about 2-3 years after my marriage ended before I was ready to do all that. At about 2.5 years the balance slowly shifted in my head from "what a faff" to "hmm, maybe..." and finally to "yes, I'm ready to meet new people".

I have no advice to offer but I feel just the same - like too much has already happened in my life and it's too late to start a new relationship (am mid-forties). I don't even have any male friends/acquaintances who might be suitable partners so would be starting something with a total stranger, probably off the dreaded apps. I can't face it. So, following for solidarity.

The great thing about subsequent relationships is that you don’t have to worry about finding someone who’s going to be a good dad, or even husband material, you can just date someone you enjoy spending time with! And once your children are all grown up (or even before that if the other parent is involved) you can go on holidays together and have date nights without children around.

I’ve had a couple of FWB situations this year, which I would never have anticipated a couple of years ago, but actually there is something quite liberating about having no pressure for this to be ‘The One’ and accepting that people come and go throughout our lives.

Obviously it would be nice to meet one who sticks at some point, but in the meantime I’m just enjoying life, much like it was in my 20s!

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation Yes this is probably true, I know I'm not ready yet but feeling some pressure to date from the men I do know and they are mostly good guy who will find new partners but men seems to be able to move on so much quicker in most instances. Like you I think it will take me time.

@FreebieHound Yes this is how I feel, even now I don't think I will be doing apps and imagine somehow the perfect guy will just appear at the right time but logically I know it's harder work to find someone compatible when you are older.

@BigPussyEnergy Lol love your username 😂Yeah I think I need a mindset change as I keep thinking it would be nice to be in a new live in relationship by 50 but there are no rules I suppose!

I met someone new in my mid forties. My marriage had ended, I knew I didn't want to be alone the rest of my life and that I had a lot to give in terms of a relationship.

Yes it was hard in the beginning knowing that there is so much history, previous marriages, children, many things that we would never experience together. But it worked out, we are very happy, have been married for quite a few years and everything kind of fell into place. My relationship with my second husband is different to the one I had with my first; his relationship with his first wife was different to what we have found together.

Maybe it's luck, maybe it's because we wanted the same things from life, maybe it's because we put in a lot of effort into making things work or that we found each other at the right time. Who knows. I just know I am so glad we met and this is the happiest I have ever been.

I’m 47 and been single a while and I’m very open to a new relationship, but I wasn’t for a long time. Just because someone’s got a history with someone else doesn’t make them damaged goods nor mean they can’t have a happy life with someone else

Got, I wouldn't bother

If this one died or left I couldn't be arsed

I don't think they are damaged goods at all just that to me it seems so strange that if I do find a new partner we will never experience all those firsts or "grow up together" or have those life long memories. I just find it disconcerting.

I think that might be easy to say when you are in a relationship, I used to say the same but now that the worst has happened I don't want to be single for the rest of my life.

@catwithflowers That is so lovely to hear!

That’s only the case to get those firsts if you’re each other’s first partner. You get plenty of firsts in each relationship. Doesn’t sound like you’re ready to date yet, you may change your mind in the future

I think you just have to stop looking for a partner, and just enjoy people's company - that includes friends and family. You will meet new people and if one of those turns into a partner then that's great, but you don't need to put pressure on yourself looking for it.

@Zanatdy Yes I do say that in my OP that I am not ready to date.

anyone I end up with we will never get to share all those times of life together and that all those memories will be with someone else.
I think I know what you mean OP, and perhaps it's related to the feeling I had when I broke up with my exh, that I could no longer talk about those memories with someone else who shared them. They're just mine now.
But in practice, I do share memories with my new dp, and he shares his with me. Not that we sat down and told one another stories; just that things come up in conversation and you talk about your experiences. I've met his siblings and looked through his old photo albums and know the stories that he's fond of talking about. It's obviously a curated version of what happened, but after 6 years I feel like I have a good idea of what he was like as young man. I'd never have gone out with him then :D as I was looking for someone totally different in those days. I'm really pleased that I met him in my late 40s as it was the right time for us to meet. We didn't grow up together, but we are growing older together and that is just as formative an experience in many ways.

When I started dating again I had the same attitude as BigPussyEnergy, and enjoyed meeting new people and feeling free to do what I liked. From what you say it sounds as if your previous partner might have died? If so I'm very sorry. That must give you a different mindset. But when you are ready, I'd also encourage you to make the most of the freedom you have when dating in middle age.

I never met either of my dp's parents; his dad died when he was young and his mum died before we had a chance. But he's told me a lot about them. Because we didn't experience it together, we share through talking - and that means we have talked about many topics more than I ever did with my exh, as we were just living in the moment. It's given our relationship a different kind of depth.