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Original poster

What to think of elderly man asking for a hug?

38 replies

Morethanamum · 06/10/2023 13:30

I have know this man for quite a while but only to say hello to then I began to wait for him and walk him to his car (after church service). He then invited me over to visit. He is 89, he is very frail but continues to go to a university to work regularly. His wife died a while ago. He has no children. He seems to keep in regular touch with many friends so not lonely. He is friendly, interesting. (I am 53, married children etc). After a visit this week he asked for a hug . I was surprised. Do think he is being friendly / normal or do you think he is looking for something else ? I don’t know whether to go again.

OP posts:
CoQ10 · 07/10/2023 00:05

I'm completely shocked at some responses, insinuating that he is in some way trying to take advantage of you or the situation.

You said he is 89, frail, and asked for a hug.

For goodness sake! He's on his own, lonely, and wanted some human contact. Doesn't that make him normal? Human?

I despair. What exactly did this poor man do wrong. Nothing.

ElizaMulvil · 07/10/2023 00:06

I guess this where the French may have it right. You would be kissing/hugging school friends / relations all life long. Even shaking hands with all and sundry as a matter of course so the lack of human contact is not so extreme as in England.

Loubelle70 · 07/10/2023 00:08

A hug makes me feel less lonely

CoQ10 · 07/10/2023 00:13

ElizaMulvil · 07/10/2023 00:06

I guess this where the French may have it right. You would be kissing/hugging school friends / relations all life long. Even shaking hands with all and sundry as a matter of course so the lack of human contact is not so extreme as in England.

Yes this is so true.

I notice the lack of contact we have with friends and people generally compared to the French.

We aren't warm to each other in this country.

Lostcotter · 07/10/2023 00:25

CoQ10 · 07/10/2023 00:05

I'm completely shocked at some responses, insinuating that he is in some way trying to take advantage of you or the situation.

You said he is 89, frail, and asked for a hug.

For goodness sake! He's on his own, lonely, and wanted some human contact. Doesn't that make him normal? Human?

I despair. What exactly did this poor man do wrong. Nothing.

Yeah I’m the first to criticise entitled or sleazy men but I don’t think that’s what happened here.

He probably is very touch starved and the fact he at least asked was respectful.

If you don’t want to though it’s fine as you need to listen to what you feel. but from what I’ve read it would be okay to hug.

edit: I just read he keeps in touch with friends. Do they see him frequently in person ? If so he’s unlikely to be touch starved which might put a different spin on it.

Rarewaxwing · 07/10/2023 00:30

I would trust your instincts, OP. My neighbour is not far off this age. I was friendly and offered help to him after his wife died. It didn't occur to me that he saw it as anything other than neighbourly until I began receiving emails and cards from him that made his thoughts very clear 🤢.

I had felt uncomfortable before but dismissed my feelings because he was an old man.

Of course, the man you know may be perfectly decent and may see you in a daughterly way. But bear in mind that sexual abusers and groomers don't change their behaviour just because they grow older.

Mariposista · 07/10/2023 00:31

He is grieving, old and alone. I am young, grieving and feel pretty alone so I get where he is coming from.
My family don’t do hugs, nor tears, nor self doubt. I lost my beloved gran 5 months ago and felt so locked into myself. A few weeks ago the lovely lady vicar at our church asked me to go for a walk and coffee, and she gave me a hug. It was enough to open the floodgates. I think I sobbed on her for an hour. Felt wonderful though.

Opentooffers · 07/10/2023 00:37

Hugs a great, just nice. It's a show of care and appreciation and in no way has to have a sexual motive.
My only concern would be the practicalities of infection risk to an elderly man. Covid is on the rise - certainly is in my area, loads have had it recently. While most won't become very ill, some vulnerable people can still get hit hard by it. So if uncomfortable, there's a valid getout there.

Original poster
Morethanamum · 07/10/2023 08:30

I’m sorry for your loss x

OP posts:
WideDyedAndLegless · 07/10/2023 09:55

RandomForest · 06/10/2023 23:37

I don't think an elderly woman would ask this of you.

You'd be surprised.
When we visited my parents in their care home my DH was always a bit wary because so many of the lonely elderly ladies would try to touch and hug him.

Soontobe60 · 07/10/2023 09:59

It’s quite sad that we’re so wary of situations like this now. My stepfather is in a care home - when we visit, the staff are regularly showing physical contact with the residents - a hand hold, a touch on the shoulder or arm around them. We are human beings. We thrive off physical comfort. When my mum died just after Covid lockdown, I hadn’t had any physical contact with her for months. I still feel sad at that.

helpfulperson · 07/10/2023 15:33

RandomForest · 06/10/2023 23:37

I don't think an elderly woman would ask this of you.

I disagree. my care home experience is similar to a PP that many elderly woman view any man as fair game for a cuddle or a stroke.

Original poster
Morethanamum · 07/10/2023 17:13

💕sorry to hear that x

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