What to think of elderly man asking for a hug?

[Morethanamum]

I have know this man for quite a while but only to say hello to then I began to wait for him and walk him to his car (after church service). He then invited me over to visit. He is 89, he is very frail but continues to go to a university to work regularly. His wife died a while ago. He has no children. He seems to keep in regular touch with many friends so not lonely. He is friendly, interesting. (I am 53, married children etc). After a visit this week he asked for a hug . I was surprised. Do think he is being friendly / normal or do you think he is looking for something else ? I don’t know whether to go again.

He's probably just very lonely and touch-starved. Poor man. That doesn't mean you have to oblige if you don't feel comfortable though.

It's sort of hard to say but I know it's very common for elderly people to miss touch after their partner does. I don't mean sexual contact, just a hug or something that probably feels inconsequential when you get that from your family.

I think he is probably just looking for some human touch. If you are happy to do it then I think it would mean a lot to him. Just be alert for any signs of him getting any wrong ideas and prepared to pull back to just verbal goodbyes if necessary.

I could well imagine my dad doing this- similar age and situation. I worry about it as I’d hate for anyone to feel it was inappropriate, but I can see how, exactly as a previous poster has said, someone in that situation is touch-starved. I’d be amazed if it was anything more than this, but obviously you need to be comfortable and not feel your boundaries are being overstepped. It’s an awkward one.

I make an effort to be more touchy feely with older people, obviously remaining sensitive to cues.
That’s not to say you should agree a hug.
I’d probably say I’m not a hugger, but offer a hand hold or a sideways hug.

Do you share the peace at church? That’s a fairly non threatening place to do a hug!

An older man asked me for a quick hug in the supermarket after I’d helped him with something - it was rather sweet, and I know it wasn’t anything dodgy. I don’t really like too much close contact as a rule, but I know he was genuine and it cheered us both up! So go with your gut instinct about him, but obviously don’t oblige if you don’t want to.

There was a post on MN from a woman who was teary after a colleague put their hand on her shoulder. I imagine he just wants some human contact. Unless you've any other reason to suspect it's something else just go with it.

Doesn't matter how elderly some men are...they still think they stand a chance with much younger women.

Not that it should make a difference as if you don't want to , your prerogative.
But if me and not sure of his intent ( and now due to weather you've probably got a coat on , button it up ( armour ! ) and a short hug to say goodbye.

This.

He's got a cheek really.

Say no if you feel uncomfortable about it. But as a widow I cannot begin to tell you what a black hole is left in my life - thank goodness my DDs and GC are good at hugs.

Okay, thanks for your replies. I was surprised but there is nothing else making me wary. I do like the big coat idea x

I've noticed I've become much more tactile since DH died. I used to be someone who avoided hugs with people outside the family, now I'll hug anyone who's willing and I do a lot more touching arms and shoulders when chatting than I used to think was appropriate too.

A hug in the right context is appropriate, for someone to actually request this to me sounds a little off, regardless of his age.

Would you comply if he were a younger man ? old age does not exclude you from being innapropriate.

Older men are not all innocent.

Bless him. At 89, he probably just needs a hug. Like he asked.
Up to you, of course, if you do or not.

I probably would now actually, but in the past I'd have said sorry I'm not much of a hugger or I don't do hugs if I didn't want to hug them.

My first instinct is to say no, but then what's surprising to me on a second read is that he asked. So he understands consent. Which maybe puts a slightly different context on it. So if you want to, maybe yes. Obvs if you don't, just say something like ooh no, I'm not touchy feely, let's fist bump like the kids do. Or something silly like that.

It seems very likely that he's touch-starved, my grandmother has explained that now she's on her own she definitely wants a hug when we get there whereas when my grandfather was alive she wasn't huggy at all - except with him.

How sad that some of us automatically think there is something unpleasant in his request - I completely understand why, like many (most?) women I've been on the receiving end of unwanted physical advances - but to assume that includes this chap would be a mistake I think.

If you are wary, maybe start with a sideways hug as a PP suggests, an arm round his shoulders, or hold his hand...and then see how that feels? Poor man, I certainly hope I will have someone to hug me when I am old.

Thank you. All your replies make me feel a bit better about it. I don’t like that my first thought “was that inappropriate” but it would be silly not to be aware of another motive.

Older people are often touch starved as PP have said. If you don’t feel comfortable hugging him, squeezing his hand or touching his shoulder could help but only if you want too

An elderly neighbour to whom I am not very close walked with me the other day and we held hands. Initially she clasped mine as I was telling her something difficult, but it was mutual after that. She said she couldn't remember the last time she had held hands with anyone other than her little grand-daughter.

I don't think an elderly woman would ask this of you.

We cant judge because only you know what hes like as far as you know him. I would probably give him a quick goodbye hug, if he wasnt implying a long hug (id be outta there if so). He could be touch hug starved as others say. Im the same, as soon as grandson comes here im all over him 🤣...hes fine with it oc though.

Yeah!!
I bet he’d stick his tongue in her ear and grab her ass.

🙄

I wouldnt. I'm 53, single, never thinking about needing a hug. Not saying that this means he must be fine because i am, but you are not obliged to hug him.

The whole "he's lonely he needs a hug" narrative would annoy me for two reasons. 1) He's trying to hug a woman, of course. 2) plenty of people might be lonely but a hug doesn't make them less alone.