Weird real life v text messages

[Ballamorie]

I fear this post will be long. I have name changed because I don't want it linked to my other posts.

I am in a long term relationship (10+years) but the relationship is sexless and I get no emotional support. We do not live together but we are not separated. Weirdly in all forms of communication (text messages when not together) he is extremely loving but in real life shows no affection. In fact that is another story. If I do not sign off every single text with 9 kisses and an "I love you" he turns against me. I do it because it's easier than the passive aggression I get. Yet in real life he is distant.

I am quite happy to lead independent lives. He has friends and a hobby that takes a lot of time and I'm happy to let him do as he pleases. Weekends away for his hobby are regular. I don't have a lot of friends but more than happy with my own company.

I am worried if we separate I will be totally alone. But I am feeling less and less like I want to spend any time with him. He fills his week with such busy-ness that when he sees me he often just falls asleep.

What a muddle. I don't want to make this too long or drip feed. It's a complicated situation. Any advice please?

Can you try to communicate via text about this- start with a positive like “I like to feel loved and so your texts make me feel happy but then I feel sad when I’m home and we don’t cuddle/hug” type of thing… if his comfort zone is via text start there to open up why this is. Has it always been like this? What changed? When and why?

I’m struggling to see what you get out of this.
no emotional support, no physical affection or sex, limited time together, you’re doing things because you’re worried about upsetting him/him “turning on you”.
please read this back and try to take a step back and consider your self respect.
whilst you’re in this situation you could be missing out on meeting someone fabulous who respects you!

Alternatively it really doesn’t sound like being alone would be worse as you sound quite alone in this relationship anyway.

You sound like friends tbh. I can't actually see why you'd want to stay in this relationship. Texting lovely is never going to be better than a genuine hug and kiss. You both aren't really getting anything from this situation so maybe have a good talk about what you both actually want, be that staying together or separating

You aren’t in a relationship.

you have a weird controlling friend who is holding you back from doing anything.

Yup.

That doesn't seem like a real relationship to me, maybe more of an emotional one for him over text but not in person. Maybe he likes to say he's in a relationship and likes the status, control and attention over text but doesn't have it in him for it in person.

You need to figure out what you get out of this setup. If you are worried about being alone, surely you're mostly alone in this relationship too?

This.

You're alone already, ending this "relationship" isn't going to make things worse.

In fact, you're far more likely to find someone who's good for you without this dead weight hanging round your neck

You're right of course and I know this. I'm 53 and have no interest in dating but don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. Apart from work and seeing friends perhaps once every 6 weeks I do nothing else. I'm not lonely though I enjoy this and worry I'm becoming less and less social.

@Ballamorie im 50 next year and responsible for my own happiness.

I volunteer when I want to.

I see friends when I want to.

I have hobbies I enjoy.

I try new things when I want to.

If he isn’t adding joy and a positive influence in your life 90% upwards - then what is the point.

this man is blocking you enjoying more moments of your life and draining your joie de vivre.

life is too short to waste in shit like this.

massive squishes. Crack on. send a ‘this isn’t what I want anymore’ text with no kisses.

Personally at this stage I would not accept ‘we can make it work’ bullshit. I don’t feel you love him. It’s more like a bad habit neither one of you got around to stopping.

Stop sending him hearts and kisses. He will turn that against you and you can tell him, well this isn't working anymore for me.

LTB.

Yes 100%.

Find some new friends and hobbies. Join the WI or in my area, ‘Friendship groups’ have popped up, whereby events are organised in an ad hoc basis. If you’re a quieter person, join a bookclub. Through that I’ve got some good friends.

I think he’s become a habit that you’re slightly afraid to let go off, like an old comfortable pair of, now ripped, slippers.

There is nothing here but some invisible chains of abusive controlling behaviours.

This is keeping you trapped and lonely.

Do the Freedom Programme - I suspect after 10 years you have experienced and internalised a lot more coercive and controlling behaviours than you realise. It’s like boiling the frog.

No idea why he is delusional and feels entitled to treat you with such contempt.

Does it matter though - try to understand your own motivations rather than his.

Seems he has slowly and silently terrorised you into submission and an emotional prison.

@Gloriously thank you, I think you understand fully.

We did live together for a time, I moved out. I secretly saved and saved (lockdown helped) and was able to get my own place. I think I have bigger issues than I even realise.

“I secretly saved and saved”.

That tells me a lot. Firstly, that the relationship isn’t right for you and you knew you had to separate. Secondly, you’re stronger than you think as you managed to save, find somewhere new to live, and start a new life away from him. That takes bravery.

You can do this. Start living your life!

It seems you have taken many already steps to slowly extricate yourself from this deeply disappointing relationship.

You are objective and know what you are missing in life.

The end point has to be to ultimately severe ties - but maybe you need a life raft to get to this stage.

This might look like slowly and incrementally adding small activities and social acquaintances to your week so that you bring some emotional comfort, distraction or satisfaction back into your life. This will ultimately put fuel in your tank and buoy you up enough to confidently take the final step.

It seems that you are currently depleted and eroded to a point of inertia by this character. His shadow (because there is no presence) in your life is oppressive and is blocking out all other opportunities of intimacy - where that’s nurturing loving reciprocal platonic friendships or a finding another partner.

@Ballamorie this isn't a healthy relationship.

While you hang around hoping one day he will fancy you and show you real love, you are missing out on meeting someone who will ACTUALLY love you.

Invest in yourself. Get a mini makeover to boost your self esteem, buy some new clothes to match (think sexier not comfy) and start a hobby you can really throw yourself into. Get out and about. Sign up for online dating and go on a few dates. You don't have to set a goal to find a new man right away, you can just enjoy the thrill of having a date with someone who wants to be there.

You won't miss having this shitty excuse for a manipulative tosser partner when you fill the void with other things and people. You can still find companionship and love.

There are LOTS of men out there who want someone like you. If you never put yourself forward, they won't see you.

If I do not sign off every single text with 9 kisses and an "I love you" he turns against me.

Well he's ridiculous then. And way too comfortable having you just where he wants you.

Great that you have your own place. If you feel you'd be happier without him (surely!!) but don't know how to end it, all you need to do is omit any sign off and xxxx's from your next text and get ready to tell him to F off when he turns sour! (Assuming he's not physically abusive - your ending it strategy might need to be different and more careful if that kind of abuse was at all likely).

Just because you're not interested in dating right now doesn't mean you'll spend the rest of your life alone if you end your unfulfilling relationship with him.

Not that being on your own is a bad thing, but if you want companionship, there are other future friendships and relationships that can fulfill that need. But you're not likely to form them while you're tied to him - untie yourself and enjoy being free.

Blimey..let his hobby have a bit more of him OP.

You say you don't want to be alone, actually you are!!

Send him packing with 9 middle fingers up..controlling twat

Oh dear OP, what do you gain from this? Doesn't sound like much at all. From what you've said, it sounds like you'd be happier on your own.

Not the emotional abuse of passive aggression and then him distancing himself.
You could try talking to him about it, failing that, cut ties x