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Original poster

Partner with erectile dysfunction

23 replies

Touty · 06/10/2023 04:52

Hi so my partner is 50 and has had ED for a while. Won’t go to the Dr just takes vitamins in the hope that it will sort it.

ive noticed that he doesn’t seem to be in the mood very often and not much intimacy.

I am also 50 and I have struggled with low libido but that is much better now due to HRT.

any suggestions as to where we go from here?

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 06/10/2023 06:19

He needs to read up on causes of ED...he really does need to go for a blood test, it could be heart problems , decrease in testosterone etc. Its not good just covering it up with pills if the root cause isnt addressed. It could also be psychological, stress. It could be effects of over use of porn...many things.

EnchantedCastle · 06/10/2023 06:22

My DP is 68, I’ve found that keeping up the intimacy is the important bit - we cuddle and kiss and foreplay plenty. It can become a viscous circle where they lose confidence so don’t want to even try as feel like they’ll let us down. So intimacy helps that, which can help performance. Also, we grab any opportunity where it looks like it will work!
Have you talked together about this at all? What does he say? Also, has he had a prostrate check yet?

GreyCarpet · 06/10/2023 07:23

Loubelle70 · 06/10/2023 06:19

He needs to read up on causes of ED...he really does need to go for a blood test, it could be heart problems , decrease in testosterone etc. Its not good just covering it up with pills if the root cause isnt addressed. It could also be psychological, stress. It could be effects of over use of porn...many things.

Yep.

Is he overweight?

My GP friend used to run a diabetes clinic and the first thing she'd ask about was ED.

myNewName21 · 06/10/2023 07:31

Loubelle70 · 06/10/2023 06:19

He needs to read up on causes of ED...he really does need to go for a blood test, it could be heart problems , decrease in testosterone etc. Its not good just covering it up with pills if the root cause isnt addressed. It could also be psychological, stress. It could be effects of over use of porn...many things.

This ED at 50 should be taken as early warning sign of other health issues

all the tests are available online now, no GP visits needed.

the other thing to think about is that your libido has come back via HRT, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he has to have sex if he doesn’t want to

StarlightLady · 06/10/2023 07:41

In the shorter term maybe try oral only sessions for both of you.

ln the longer term, the head in the sand won’t go to the doctor attitude of some men infuriates me. It’s a medical issue. We constantly have our bits poked about by medics and are made to put up with the most ungamely positions poked about by goodness knows what. He owes it to you and himself to get checked out.

tennine · 06/10/2023 07:55

any suggestions as to where we go from here?

If he isn't willing to seek help there is not much you can do. You don't have to live a sex free life because someone else chooses that though.

MMmomDD · 06/10/2023 08:03

You don’t gp anywhere. He is’t your child and he himself needs to want to get help and fix it.

At 50 - i think it’s way too early to give up on sex. But it’s all up to up.

There is a thread on up now - are affairs ever justified….
Personally - when one of the partners checks out of a relationship, takes it for granted, and does nothing to maintain it - he cant expect the benefits of the relationship

Beargrumps22 · 06/10/2023 08:20

ED is something we have dealt with from the outset due to dp diabetes. Due to that he gets Viagra prescribed monthly. The GP is the way to go really but there is also a new gel without prescription. Also my partner uses a ring which with both means we do manage

Naunet · 06/10/2023 08:24

Well he refuses to go to a gp, so I’m not sure there’s much you can I do. I assume you’ve talked to him about how you feel?

JIMMI85 · 06/10/2023 09:09

Ok, so as i man of 38, I'm pretty well placed to hopefully give you and your partner some helpful advice.

I developed Peyronies, roughly 4 years ago, and because of this, and alongside my diabetes I began to get mild to moderate ED.

ED for a man, especially at a relatively young age is a viscous circle, what can start as a physical problem can then lead to a phycological problem, which means the normal methods such as PDE5's don't have the same effect.

My partner at the time, gave me very little support and her way of dealing with it was to pretty much not to be intimate with me as she didn't want to feel let down when the inevitable happened and this made it even worse for me from a Psyc point of view.

He needs to establish if its a Physical issue or a mental issue.

Is it a case that he can't get hard, or is it more so that he can't stay hard? If its the former than he has little/no blood flow in, and if it's the latter then he has good blood flow in but poor outflow, effectively meaning the valves in his Tunica don't close - This is where a constriction ring may be of benefit, but ONLY if he has good blood flow in as they trap the blood.

In terms of medications, Vitamins will do F all. Believe me i tried everything and the only things that MIGHT work are PDE5's such as Viagra and Cialis and their retrospective generic names which are cheaper. Neither are prescription only now, and I used to order mine online.

Pills will only work for a period of time, often 2-10 years and after that its injections. After injections, its the implant, which I have, not for my ED but for my Peyronies.

He needs to own it and go get some tests done. Ask for a doppler. This measures blood flow going in and going out. If both are good then its Psychological, and this needs to be addressed completely differently.

Does he have any other underlying health issues? Is he overweight? Has there been a trauma moment for him sexually, either physically or mentally?

A other have said, ED can often be early signs of heart issues, so it is important he gets a diagnosis. ED is no longer the stigma it once was, and ALL men at some point in their lives will suffer from it.

I was depressed and at my wits end, but I sought help and now, with my implant, I can do literally everything better than a 'normal' penis can do and I bloody love it!

Dinoswearunderpants · 06/10/2023 11:01

JIMMI85 · 06/10/2023 09:09

Ok, so as i man of 38, I'm pretty well placed to hopefully give you and your partner some helpful advice.

I developed Peyronies, roughly 4 years ago, and because of this, and alongside my diabetes I began to get mild to moderate ED.

ED for a man, especially at a relatively young age is a viscous circle, what can start as a physical problem can then lead to a phycological problem, which means the normal methods such as PDE5's don't have the same effect.

My partner at the time, gave me very little support and her way of dealing with it was to pretty much not to be intimate with me as she didn't want to feel let down when the inevitable happened and this made it even worse for me from a Psyc point of view.

He needs to establish if its a Physical issue or a mental issue.

Is it a case that he can't get hard, or is it more so that he can't stay hard? If its the former than he has little/no blood flow in, and if it's the latter then he has good blood flow in but poor outflow, effectively meaning the valves in his Tunica don't close - This is where a constriction ring may be of benefit, but ONLY if he has good blood flow in as they trap the blood.

In terms of medications, Vitamins will do F all. Believe me i tried everything and the only things that MIGHT work are PDE5's such as Viagra and Cialis and their retrospective generic names which are cheaper. Neither are prescription only now, and I used to order mine online.

Pills will only work for a period of time, often 2-10 years and after that its injections. After injections, its the implant, which I have, not for my ED but for my Peyronies.

He needs to own it and go get some tests done. Ask for a doppler. This measures blood flow going in and going out. If both are good then its Psychological, and this needs to be addressed completely differently.

Does he have any other underlying health issues? Is he overweight? Has there been a trauma moment for him sexually, either physically or mentally?

A other have said, ED can often be early signs of heart issues, so it is important he gets a diagnosis. ED is no longer the stigma it once was, and ALL men at some point in their lives will suffer from it.

I was depressed and at my wits end, but I sought help and now, with my implant, I can do literally everything better than a 'normal' penis can do and I bloody love it!

Just want to thank you for your response. My DH has issues maintaining an erection and it's so frustrating for everyone involved.

This has explained things better for me and I will be more patience.

PauliesWalnuts · 06/10/2023 11:22

Thanks also from me too @JIMMI85 . It’s really useful to learn about the mechanics, and from a guy’s point of view. I had no idea bout the implant either.

My partner has suffered from ED since we met a few years ago. He is 50 but fit and healthy. Definitely psychological for him. His bits works up to the point where it comes near my bits then disappears in a puff of smoke. Viagra helps to a certain extent but isn’t a 100% cure for him due to side effects like indigestion.
We do still have a very good sex life though - we are both talented in other areas and I make a point of never, ever making a big deal out of his ED.

JIMMI85 · 06/10/2023 12:00

The worse thing that a partner can do is make a big deal out of it, it only aggregates the situation and makes matters far worse. Support is the most important but he has to want to fix himself. If he doesn’t then unfortunately, ED only gets worse.

a really important thing to ask is whether your respective partners get night time erections. If they don’t wake up with morning wood then there is no question it’s physical. With no morning wood for a prolonged period, he will get atrophy due to a lack of blood circulation which is imperative for a healthy penis. This will ultimately lead to worse ED and shortening of the penis.

in terms of pills, I would suggest cialis over viagra. cialis has a shell life of 36 hours as opposed to viagras 4 hours, so if he pops one Saturday lunchtime it will still be in his system Sunday night, which negates the psychological aspect of taking a pill before sex and I also found they have less severe side effects.

EBearhug · 06/10/2023 12:31

If he won't go to the Dr, I assume he's not on other meds, so that won't be an issue. Some meds can cause it.

If he's overweight, losing some would probably help. Does he smoke? If he's a long term smoker, that could be contributing.

And as others say, it can be a symptom of other issues, and if it's something like diabetes or heart issues, not only can they be treated, they should be, else he'll end up unable to do anything at all, not just sex.

If he's adamant he won't go to the doctor, I'd make sure he's got a current will and life insurance - have lost 3 former colleagues around this age in the last couple of years to heart issues, all men. Another is in a wheelchair because of circulatory problems. And I know other men this age who have good strong erections (I've been on OLD and er, testing them.) There's probably an element of luck and genetics, but keeping fit and eating mostly sensibly is probably a large part of it too.

JIMMI85 · 06/10/2023 13:12

I don’t understand why he wouldn’t want to get help though? Is it because he’s scared if there is an underlying reason?

ED really is nothing for a man to be ashamed about. I loooove my implant and knowing that I have superhuman powers in that department is something I’m very proud of!!

Original poster
Touty · 07/10/2023 11:39

maybe it’s male pride or embarrassment to go the doctor. I just have the feeling that it’s not a priority for him, doesn’t seem to have the urge anymore

its not easy for me either, I’ve lost sensitivity since menopause but I still desire sex and intimacy

he just not much sex drive and this has been going on for a few years.

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 07/10/2023 11:45

Touty · 07/10/2023 11:39

maybe it’s male pride or embarrassment to go the doctor. I just have the feeling that it’s not a priority for him, doesn’t seem to have the urge anymore

its not easy for me either, I’ve lost sensitivity since menopause but I still desire sex and intimacy

he just not much sex drive and this has been going on for a few years.

If he wont do anything about it....its not a relationship if you need more. Theres 2 options i see
Have a last adult conversations about this with him.. you need intimacy and sex...if he doesn't want to do anything about it. You break up

Leave him

Loubelle70 · 07/10/2023 11:46

Pride vs relationship? His choice xx

JIMMI85 · 07/10/2023 13:52

Tell him his dick will shrink if he doesn’t do something about it.

That should kick his ass into gear.

Original poster
Touty · 07/10/2023 19:53

@Loubelle70 I see what you are saying - but I don’t know where I would go. My mental health is in pieces at the moment and I haven’t the strength to leave, but here sometimes now I feel like I’m struggling to breathe.

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 07/10/2023 19:57

Touty · 07/10/2023 19:53

@Loubelle70 I see what you are saying - but I don’t know where I would go. My mental health is in pieces at the moment and I haven’t the strength to leave, but here sometimes now I feel like I’m struggling to breathe.

You don't have to yet. Get your ducks in line... financially. When you feel stronger then that's the time. But only you can do it OP. I understand...ive been there. I left eventually. You may have to grey rock him and start doing things outside the home without him. Thats how i got enough confidence to go.

Nipplesrus · 07/10/2023 20:09

JIMMI85 · 06/10/2023 09:09

Ok, so as i man of 38, I'm pretty well placed to hopefully give you and your partner some helpful advice.

I developed Peyronies, roughly 4 years ago, and because of this, and alongside my diabetes I began to get mild to moderate ED.

ED for a man, especially at a relatively young age is a viscous circle, what can start as a physical problem can then lead to a phycological problem, which means the normal methods such as PDE5's don't have the same effect.

My partner at the time, gave me very little support and her way of dealing with it was to pretty much not to be intimate with me as she didn't want to feel let down when the inevitable happened and this made it even worse for me from a Psyc point of view.

He needs to establish if its a Physical issue or a mental issue.

Is it a case that he can't get hard, or is it more so that he can't stay hard? If its the former than he has little/no blood flow in, and if it's the latter then he has good blood flow in but poor outflow, effectively meaning the valves in his Tunica don't close - This is where a constriction ring may be of benefit, but ONLY if he has good blood flow in as they trap the blood.

In terms of medications, Vitamins will do F all. Believe me i tried everything and the only things that MIGHT work are PDE5's such as Viagra and Cialis and their retrospective generic names which are cheaper. Neither are prescription only now, and I used to order mine online.

Pills will only work for a period of time, often 2-10 years and after that its injections. After injections, its the implant, which I have, not for my ED but for my Peyronies.

He needs to own it and go get some tests done. Ask for a doppler. This measures blood flow going in and going out. If both are good then its Psychological, and this needs to be addressed completely differently.

Does he have any other underlying health issues? Is he overweight? Has there been a trauma moment for him sexually, either physically or mentally?

A other have said, ED can often be early signs of heart issues, so it is important he gets a diagnosis. ED is no longer the stigma it once was, and ALL men at some point in their lives will suffer from it.

I was depressed and at my wits end, but I sought help and now, with my implant, I can do literally everything better than a 'normal' penis can do and I bloody love it!

I am very ummmm about men on MN, but this post is beyond helpful. Thank you.

Fiddlesticks8 · 07/05/2024 10:07

@JIMMI85 thank you so much for your post. It's really helped hearing your point of view. I struggle to find words of reassurance for my partner when it happens to him without offending or patronizing. Your post really helped. Thank you

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