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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me make sense of this in my head

18 replies

woodwall · 05/10/2023 23:50

Basically I had sex with someone I used to be in love with a long time ago (we were high on weed)
And the first half was amazing
I suggested something a position a certain type of sex
I know they used to love it
So we started and it hurt so bad I said go slowly
They wanted me just to push back first bits the worst right
Anyway I kept saying owe and it hurts
And they said do you want me to stop and I said no! But do it this way go slowly and it hurt so bad I kept saying ow
I wanted the pain to stop I screamed oww at one point
Asked them just to end not so far in not as deep
Anyway then it ended as they finished
I didn’t say stop I wanted it to continue but with less pain
Basically they were apologetic and said I should of said stop

Just want clarification that this wasn’t assault it was a bad situation all around

OP posts:
WhatsForTeaMama · 05/10/2023 23:53

They asked if you wanted to stop and you said no 🤷

Blows my mind that women are so willing to have this done to them to please mens porn addiction desires.

Lavender14 · 05/10/2023 23:54

I think they should have listened to you when you asked them to slow down/ be gentler. Or they needed to say, i can't do that so will we try something else that works for both of us. Very selfish on the other person's part and would be a turn off for me.

Burnamer · 05/10/2023 23:56

I think it sounds very difficult. Ultimately if I was in pain then yes of course I would expect my partner stop / do something different. (Unless we had had a prior discussion about pain being a wanted part of the experience).
I think what makes your experience difficult is that he asked if you wanted to stop and you said no. It maybe doesn’t make him a great man tbh but I think the messages were confusing.

how do you feel about it?

Loubelle70 · 06/10/2023 00:00

Are you a man trying to get approval of what you did to a woman/man? Tbf these posts make me cautious to answer.

Rogue1001MNer · 06/10/2023 00:00

Assume this is anal

Original poster
woodwall · 06/10/2023 00:02

Burnamer · 05/10/2023 23:56

I think it sounds very difficult. Ultimately if I was in pain then yes of course I would expect my partner stop / do something different. (Unless we had had a prior discussion about pain being a wanted part of the experience).
I think what makes your experience difficult is that he asked if you wanted to stop and you said no. It maybe doesn’t make him a great man tbh but I think the messages were confusing.

how do you feel about it?

I just want to move on and not hate him because he's a good man and I'm confused to be honest

OP posts:
Original poster
woodwall · 06/10/2023 00:03

Loubelle70 · 06/10/2023 00:00

Are you a man trying to get approval of what you did to a woman/man? Tbf these posts make me cautious to answer.

No, unfortunately this is real
Pom bears, penis beaker, crying in the chapel etc etc
Elderly Korean lady

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 06/10/2023 00:11

Cant comment further

BabyFireflyx · 06/10/2023 01:30

I don’t think this is what you think the majority of readers will jump to state. From what you've written this is something you need to continue to think through carefully and discuss very clearly with your partner.

Cecilisacaterpillar · 06/10/2023 01:49

I think a decent man would automatically stop if it was obvious he was hurting you tbh OP so although there may not be a consent issue here as such I don't know that you're going to be able to convince yourself that he's really a good man. If you'd been doing something to him that caused him to repeatedly say/scream ow wouldn't you have stopped?

SleepPrettyDarling · 06/10/2023 01:54

woodwall · 06/10/2023 00:02

I just want to move on and not hate him because he's a good man and I'm confused to be honest

Show quote history

He’s not a good man if he’s hurting you.

theduchessofspork · 06/10/2023 02:05

It isn’t rape, as you didn’t ask him to stop, however it sounds like assault to me:

An assault is any act by which a person intentionally or recklessly causes another to suffer. (English law)

He knew you were in pain and you asked him several times to go gently, he ignored you and continued to cause you pain.

I think the only way you can move on is by acknowledging that he treated you badly - he didn’t mind making you suffer and he ignored your instructions. This is hard to square with him being a good man. I don’t think burying your head in the sand about this is going to help you long term.

It sounds like you need to do some work on your self esteem. Could you afford some counselling?

OzziePopPop · 06/10/2023 02:28

Owww is not ‘enthusiastic consent’. He should have stopped.

beenwhereyouare · 06/10/2023 08:01

No, I don't think it was assault. You suggested it and he asked you if he should stop. You said no.

"when idn’t say stop I wanted it to continue but with less pain. Basically they were apologetic and said I should of said stop."

First-time sex is also painfuI, but most of us continue anyway. This is similar, IMO. I think it was really just a miscommunication or misunderstanding.

Please put yourself first and don't do something that hurts you. You can always stop, even if it was your idea. I wish for your own sake you had done that this time and I'm guessing you do, too.

I hope everything is all right now. 💐

Daffodil18 · 06/10/2023 08:40

They asked if you wanted to stop and you said no? Sometimes sex can hurt depending on what you’re doing but it doesn’t mean you want it to stop. This was consensual so don’t try to make it out to be something it wasn’t.

Lifeofasd1 · 06/10/2023 10:06

They did nothing wrong..it just was an uncomfortable situation for you

MyEyesMyThighs · 06/10/2023 10:16

I think this is a time to reflect on your own wants and communication style rather than assign blame to this person. Why were you doing something that caused you pain, that you suggested (because they used to love it, not because you do) - it doesn't sounds as if he particularly wanted to do it either - you were both kind of awkwardly trying to please the other person against your own judgements and desires.

I would suggest you stay away from casual sex until you have the confidence to state your own boundaries and preferences. Most people would rather their partner had a good time having normal sex than they got to tick something off their bucket list - save that for a solid relationship where you have established better communication.

Don't continue with anything that "hurts so bad."

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 06/10/2023 11:18

Then asked if you wanted to stop and you said no

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