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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've just had to send him proof I'm in bed with my kids

24 replies

kanga11 · 05/10/2023 23:05

Exh is on holiday. Hes emotionally abusive and manipulative with paranoia.

Weve separated after I spent 2 years trying to escape. Hes on holiday but thinks I've got a new man in my home - my house is all mine. Not his.

I told him 2 of the dc we're in bed with me tonight as we've had a crappy day and watched a film in bed before they fell asleep. He asked for photo evidence. I sent it. He's done this before. I then text him saying to leave me alone and if he turns up unannounced at my home then I will be calling the police.

Any advice going forward? He really scares me. I know some will say block but if I do that, I fear he's more likely to turn up at my house.

OP posts:
Octobermeterreadtime · 05/10/2023 23:07

Stop pandering to him.. Tell him to fuck off and mean it. Or why did you bother splitting up?

AlltheFs · 05/10/2023 23:07

Why on earth are you in contact with him?! Use an app for child related contact, block him on everything else and if he turns up
at your home keep the doors locked and call the police.

You are enabling him to abuse you. Stop
it.

AuContraire · 05/10/2023 23:08

Stop engaging with him and doing what he tells you.

frazzledasarock · 05/10/2023 23:09

call womens aid. They’ll be able to help you

Original poster
kanga11 · 05/10/2023 23:09

He was fine and has been fine for ages. He was just asking how the kids were and then it started. I'm guessing he's full of drink.

I grey rock him as much as possible

OP posts:
MustGetOutofBed · 05/10/2023 23:10

Why are you pandering to him? I understand that you want to keep lines of communication open for the sake of your DC, but you DO NOT have to prove anything to him.

BananaSlug · 05/10/2023 23:11

You didn’t have to, why are you even speaking to him?

HappyintheHills · 05/10/2023 23:11

You really don’t have to send him any photos

Playingintheshadow · 05/10/2023 23:11

Block him and limit contact to email. You can choose when you decide to read it.

Original poster
kanga11 · 05/10/2023 23:11

I used to find it was better to prove anything he asked for to stop him from being angry - I am protecting myself by doing this.

I am also worried as my whole family are on holiday too (not with him) and I have no one here to support me

OP posts:
sprigatito · 05/10/2023 23:12

I understand the not wanting to block thing, I didn't block my abusive mother for months because I was terrified of getting no advance warning of one of her benders. What helped me was having a plan for every scenario; what I would do if she turned up at the house, or followed me when out, or turned up at the kid's' school etc. Eventually I felt safe enough to block all avenues of contact and never looked back. Sympathy to you Flowers and make sure you keep a record of every interaction, to pass on to the police.

Original poster
kanga11 · 05/10/2023 23:13

If I block, that's when I'm worried he will turn up. It's a horrible place to be. He gets back tomorrow and my family are all on holiday.

Could I maybe call the police and pre warn them that I am worried about him coming home? Could they put like a marker thing on my home?

OP posts:
sprigatito · 05/10/2023 23:15

kanga11 · 05/10/2023 23:13

If I block, that's when I'm worried he will turn up. It's a horrible place to be. He gets back tomorrow and my family are all on holiday.

Could I maybe call the police and pre warn them that I am worried about him coming home? Could they put like a marker thing on my home?

You absolutely must call the police and start a dialogue with them. Record everything; I used to keep all the abusive voicemails and letters and pass them straight to the police. You can show a pattern of harassment quite quickly and they will help you.

Original poster
kanga11 · 05/10/2023 23:17

sprigatito · 05/10/2023 23:12

I understand the not wanting to block thing, I didn't block my abusive mother for months because I was terrified of getting no advance warning of one of her benders. What helped me was having a plan for every scenario; what I would do if she turned up at the house, or followed me when out, or turned up at the kid's' school etc. Eventually I felt safe enough to block all avenues of contact and never looked back. Sympathy to you Flowers and make sure you keep a record of every interaction, to pass on to the police.

I've got 3 kids at home all with additional needs. Not blocking is only to ensure our safety more

I've had absolutely no reason to block him for ages. I thought he was doing much better. He blames his past behaviour on a mental breakdown.

I'm still in therapy and have done all sorts to get myself to a better place. Even my therapist understood the no blocking when things were bad during the break up.

I actually always have all notifications from him silenced on my phone. I've never taken them off. For the last 7 months we've co parented well.

Just shit like this takes me back to all the original trauma

OP posts:
DaughterNo2 · 05/10/2023 23:19

kanga11 · 05/10/2023 23:09

He was fine and has been fine for ages. He was just asking how the kids were and then it started. I'm guessing he's full of drink.

I grey rock him as much as possible

You aren’t doing grey rock at all!
I wouldn’t have sent a pic or responded tbh

Original poster
kanga11 · 05/10/2023 23:19

@sprigatito thank you. I will call them tomorrow. I think he's back on Saturday so I'd like to speak to them before he gets back.

It could be he's just absolutely wasted. Or it could be the start of another so called breakdown where he's going to be an absolute paranoid wreck.

OP posts:
BestZebbie · 05/10/2023 23:19

You do not have to send photos of you in your bed to anybody under any circumstances.
If the reason you 'have' to do so is because your ex would be unreasonable if you don't, that would be 100% him deciding to act unreasonably (which could happen at any time for any reason and is totally out of your control), not any sort of 'natural consequence' of you holding that entirely normal, standard boundary.

Yellowcakestand · 05/10/2023 23:27

Sorry to hear this.
He still has control over you.

I know exactly why you haven't blocked. Police told me to block but I couldn't as I then wouldn't get a warning when he was going to turn up. I always used to get messages from him telling me he was on his way. At least by receiving these I had the chance to get out of the house before he got there.

Not blocking doesnt mean that you have to reply. Turn read receipts off so he doesn't know you have read the messages. Report everything on 101 and make sure you ask them to log it to build a picture. Do not send any pictures or reply unless about child arrangements or he will think he is winning you over. Don't let him know he is riling you up.
.

LusaBatoosa · 05/10/2023 23:41

kanga11 · 05/10/2023 23:19

@sprigatito thank you. I will call them tomorrow. I think he's back on Saturday so I'd like to speak to them before he gets back.

It could be he's just absolutely wasted. Or it could be the start of another so called breakdown where he's going to be an absolute paranoid wreck.

It could be he's just absolutely wasted. Or it could be the start of another so called breakdown where he's going to be an absolute paranoid wreck

So what? Why is any of that your problem?

Nicole1111 · 05/10/2023 23:42

If you call the police they can put an alert on your address highlighting domestic abuse so if you call they know to take it seriously and come immediately. I’d also consider reporting the control and coercion to the police as it can’t carry on. They will be able to support you and may even have a Bobby van service that comes to your home to make it as safe from a break in as possible.
In regards to your communication with him I think it would be great to try and limit or stop this. Are you working with a domestic abuse charity? They can support you to do this in the best and safest way possible. Please also don’t feel bad about continuing to talk to him. I think it’s clear from other’s responses that some of them don’t understand the complexities of abuse, including the impact of a trauma bond, the fact that the risk to women is at its absolute highest when they are pregnant or leave a perpetrator, or that many women keep themselves safe by managing and placating the abuser.

Tryingmybestadhd · 05/10/2023 23:44

Are you in the U.K. ? If so why haven’t you applied for a non molestation order ? You really need him away from you , ideally not even knowing where you live . Please speak with the police again

momonpurpose · 06/10/2023 03:29

AuContraire · 05/10/2023 23:08

Stop engaging with him and doing what he tells you.

This! Do not send him pictures or poof that's absolutely ridiculous

PaminaMozart · 06/10/2023 03:39

Tryingmybestadhd · 05/10/2023 23:44

Are you in the U.K. ? If so why haven’t you applied for a non molestation order ? You really need him away from you , ideally not even knowing where you live . Please speak with the police again

Absolutely this

MariaLuna · 06/10/2023 03:42

He's yanking your chain and you don't need to indulge him by sending photos.

Hope you can find your inner strength to get this man out of your life, even if you have kids with him.

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