How to tell DH with MH and other health issues that you want to separate

[Stuckandunhappy]

My husband is on antidepressants for depression and anxiety. He also has a serious chronic illness which will likely worsen in the next couple of years.

I wrote about the situation here a couple of months back and whilst I expected to be slated for even considering leaving someone with serious illness, to my surprise everyone was incredibly supportive and able to see my side of things. ⁿThe marriage is dead, we no longer sleep in the same bed, we probably spend five minutes each day in the same room, there's nothing left anymore, we can't even watch TV together anymore.

Two DC, a teen and one still in primary, and this is simply setting a dreadful example of a relationship to them. We no longer even have family meals together. He's only with me because I am the breadwinner and do absolutely everything in the house whilst working full time. His illness has become an excuse to spend every day sitting on the sofa watching TV and playing computer games, and regretfully, I have enabled this to happen. He can also be rather nasty and is prone to emotional abuse such as shouting and silent treatment if I dare criticise him. I have spent years walking on eggshells, often dreading going home from work and facing him.

I can't take it anymore and want a divorce. This is affecting my well-being as well and I have been diagnosed with early stages of a chronic illness myself, most likely brought on by stress.

How do I tell this to him? I would be happy to co-parent and support him (ideally not financially) but no longer as his wife.

A friend of mine suggested I should try and ask him if he's happy (he's clearly not) and try and somehow get him to see or suggest that it's no longer working. But he's not stupid so don't think I could manipulate him like that.

Is it best to just tell him straight that I want to separate, or try some sort of gentler approach? Worried as he has mental health issues things could escalate, not sure how though.

Well done OP on making the decision for your future. Is there an occasion when the children will both be out and you’ll be home? Perhaps you need to take a half day from work. I’d probably say to him “ you and I need to talk” and kind of flag up that a serious conversation is incoming. Whether you do this immediately before or in the morning I don’t know but I’d sit him down and say you’re not happy and want to split. I
imagine this is going to create some practical difficulties if he doesn’t work… does he have family nearby ?

Thanks @Divebar2021, really appreciate your response. He does work on and off but is usually quite quick to resign because it's too tiring or he doesn't like something else. I suppose because I work and earn enough to support us he has the option to resign and pretend to be a house husband, even though the only thing he does is the school run for the younger DC.

Luckily he has a new part-time job lined up so was gonna wait until he starts before speaking to him. They're taking a while to check references etc but hopefully he should have a start date soon.

No family support but have got friends (who would most likely take his side and see me as a proper bitch for leaving as from the outside he's the nicest man ever!!)

It's never going to be easy or painless to end a long relationship, especially when he can be emotionally abusive. I think you need to prepare yourself for anger, crying, emotional blackmail and him trying every trick in the book even down to suicide threats when you do tell him. It's not just ending a relationship, it's losing his meal-ticket and emotional punchbag from his point of view, so he's not going to take it well. It may not be a happy relationship for either of you, but it enables him to live in this way.

I think you should start the wheels in motion, speak to a solicitor, start divorce proceedings. Sort out a plan of what you're going to do with regard to housing, money and childcare, and present it to him as a fait accompli - a "this is what's happening" and then follow through.

Make sure he has support from his family and friends in place, obviously, and if he has a mental health team make them aware, but don't continue to take responsibility for him yourself.

I might be coming off a bit harshly here, but there's no way of doing this that is going to be perceived as gentle by him, so you need to shore up your own resolve and just do it.

I think PPs suggestion is brutal. Just imagine him thinking you're 'plodding along' to be faced with 'I'm leaving you and this is how' out if the blue.
I'd talk to solicitors etc but would gradually introduce it.
The first approach happens to so many women and it's brutal.

I'm suggesting she does it that way because of the emotional abuse.

I'm another who thinks the OP should put the wheels in motion, and present him with a fait accompli. There is nothing to be gained by trying to talk to him about it early on, he's not going to magically change his personality and all it will achieve is to make things worse for longer.

Yes wait till he has employment.
You will end up paying him some kind of pay off, & he will get half the equity in the house, sadly.
He will also be able to say he is the primary car giver for the DC.
Even though you know he isnt.
This is going ti be messy, but do it anyway. You deserve better

I think when you do tell him he ckwar that's it's a final decision and be very empathetic saying how sad and sorry you are to upset him. Be prepared for some name calling etc - he'll be shocked. Don't kick him while he's down by telling him all the things that are wrong with him just focus on yourself and your own feelings that's you're not happy in the relationship so you need to end it and you're so sorry that they are being hurt and upset by this.

*be clear

Thanks everyone.
I have had a free consultation with a solicitor and have booked a paid one off longer appointment in a couple of weeks to better understand my position. We are not well off, we get on with my salary and can afford some extras but I drive an old car and have nothing left at the end of each month. We do, however, have assets in equity and pensions, not sure how much exactly, depends on the house but probably in the region of £400k. I understand that he is likely to get a larger share than me, but I want to know what to expect.

@Mix56 it is quite upsetting to think that he is likely to be seen as the main carer for the kids. I worked part-time for years to be able to spend more time with them, have only worked full-time for the past 1.5 years because I had to as he was out of work. The school run is literally the only thing he does, and it's not like he does anything with the kids after school, they just watch TV or are on the phone (the teen). I do everything else, he hasn't even bothered downloading any of the school apps on his phone.🙄

I am only suggesting this may be the case, it really depends would he try to do as much damage as possible in vengeance?
Or not want the DC anyway?
You should compile any proof of his periods of work.
Also you know if he goes to school meetings, etc. Stayed home if they were ill ?
Well done for getting prepared
You deserve more than a half life

Cut CC y v cc