How to get the CF to do his fair share

[SpatulasArentSpoons]

I work full time in a pretty stressful job. Usually 40hrs in 4 shifts with the odd hour thrown in at the weekend. DH works part time, 30 hrs a week over 3 shifts. This was agreed because I earn more than him, and his job is quite physical whereas mine is office based. We used to pay a cleaner, but we agreed that he would pick up the slack when he went p/t.

Due to the vagaries of the nursery/school/shift work patterns, most weeks he has two days a week with no work and no kids. He tends to work weekends, which means I have the kids alone at the weekend a lot of the time (I work set shifts, he doesn't). This means that I do 40% of the childcare (including 2 school mornings/2 bed times alone), he does 60% of the childcare, but never does mornings or bed times alone. I do 95% of all school/nursery admin (3 kids), house admin and other boring life admin. I buy all the presents for birthdays and christmases. I make all the arrangements for the children's social lives.

Today I have been at work (WFH twice a week). I have also: cooked dinner, made lunch for DC for tomorrow, put two wash loads on & hung them to dry, sorted a clean wash load, cleaned the bathroom and tidied the living room. (Luckily, I spend a lot of the day on the phone, so I tend to have my phone on headphones whilst I do the housework). He has been off work for the day. He has looked after youngest DC (2.5) and... gone to the pub.

The issue is that he sees "child" as the only task that needs to be accomplished on that day. Therefore if his job is "child" he can completely f*cking ignore the mountains of wet washing, washing up and other crap.

I have tried, so hard, to explain that "house" is another job which needs doing. As is "admin". He does attempt to do stuff. He makes lists but getting him to actually do the tasks is impossible. I watch him "being productive" and it's like he exists in some sort of parallel time warp... he just takes SO LONG to do anything. Let's say youngest DC goes for a nap. I would view that as 60 minutes to be productive. DH will first go for a long man poo (15 minutes). Then he'll need to "look something up" (20 minutes, why couldn't he do that during the toilet time?!). Then he will need to do some spurious task (e.g. sharpen the big knife or fix his bike saddle) (15 minutes). Then he needs a drink and a snack before finally sitting down to the task which he was "just about to start". Then the little one is awake again and nothing's been done. And... as we all know, when your job is "child" you can't possibly be expected to do other jobs such as "house" or "admin".

Finally (and sorry for the rant but this feels SOOOO good to get off my chest) - whenever he does do a task, he asks me 500 questions. For example, renewing the house insurance: "when was our house built?" "how much should our contents be worth?" "should I insure the items in the shed as well?" argh! Or in the supermarket: "should I get 500g or 750g of mince?" "they don't have red peppers should I get orange?" "shall I buy yoghurts for the kids?".

I have tried:

1. making the list for him - just ignores it and I get sick of being the household project manager; why should I have to make the list.
2. making the list together... he just ignores it
3. asking him "what tasks can you take off the household list today?"
4. leaving the mess until he cracks (then he gets really shitty about everyone being messy and passive-aggressively stomps about clearing up)
5. nagging
6. making meal plans & shopping lists, printing out recipes (inevitably there will be some excuse why it's not practical to cook whatever is on the list, so the kids will have a plate of beige freezer bounty and I end up cooking the actual food the next evening)
7. begging
8. crying
9. shouting I AM NOT YOUR FUCKING MOTHER

He is not the worst man in the world at this - I realise that. He's a great and hands on dad and he considers himself a feminist. On the other hand he constantly complains that my standards are unreasonable and that I am "just better" at this stuff than him. It's really, really pissing me off. I am running out of ideas and getting sick of the arguments. Can anyone suggest anything that's actually worked in getting their partner to do a fair share? Please!!!

Does he feel like your standards are too high so there's no point trying?

Just thinking how I feel sometimes with my DH. I don't agree with the level of tidy he wants, so I just don't do it.

Maybe he does feel like that, but he's never said that. This isn't a show home, I just like my kids to have enough clean pants 😃

I could if written this myself! We have phases where he pulls his weight then it sort of slides…. I get the you are better at x y z card also. I unfortunately don’t have any advice or answers! My husband is better when I am more direct can you do x y z now please & he has said he finds it better when I just tell him what to do but I always worry I come across as a bossy wife! But men are definitely not mind readers! Have you asked him if there is a good way to communicate? I definitely couldn’t leave mine to do the food shop or the washing as he’d also ask too many questions and I might as well do it myself!

There's two options here:

1. Genuinely clueless.
2. Strategically clueless.

Genuinely clueless can be trained. Strategically cannot and I suspect yours is second, judging by his comments. At two free days a week and capable of holding down a manual job, he should know how the bloody washing machine works.

As him why having a penis exempts him from the housework. Alternatively, he can do extra hours for a cleaner.

I find it useful to have allocated chores in our house. DH does laundry, I do food, we split up cleaning and tidying with the kids (who are older). Would that work for you?

Also, if they keep answering questions, throw it back at them. "I don't know - what do you think?" It's not rocket science. If they can drive a car, they can do washing.

he considers himself a feminist. On the other hand he constantly complains that my standards are unreasonable and that I am "just better" at this stuff than him.

Have you sent him the comic strips by Emma yet?

This is key.

‘When was the house built?’ - I don’t know, look it up?

’Shall I get the red pepper or the yellow?’ - I don’t know, which do you want?

’Shall I buy yoghurts for the kids?’ - I don’t know, did you check the fridge and make a list?

You will 100% be accused of being obstructive/unhelpful, but just ignore it.

As to what (partially) worked, I told my DH that if he genuinely believed that my standards/expectations were too high, and we couldn’t stop falling out over housework and mental load and childcare etc then we’d have to go to counselling to find a way forward or we’d end up divorced. And I sent him the other article from the bloke whose wife divorced him over the dishes.

That seemed to galvanise him/make him see I was seriously prepared to take steps, that this was not trivial to me. He’s not perfect but much better generally.

I am "just better" at things than him

Well, when we want to get better at stuff, we practice! So tell him you are going to give him the time and space to practice by doing stuff. You can get those fair play cards to help him understand if you think it would be clearer to him.

Anyone doing a shit job in this house will find themselves doing that job a lot more often until they are good at it. Strategic crappness backfires here.

that cartoon's excellent

he considers himself a feminist

I consider myself a supermodel. Dont make it true.

Well looks like he’ll have to go back to working full time then if he’s unable to pull his weight at home.

Of course you shouldn’t have to make a list of what he does, and I know you have said you have tried this without success. This time I would sit down with him and tell him if he doesn’t start pulling his weight you need to reconsider being married to a useless knob. Make a list of all the jobs that need doing, ask him which ones he wants to take on (making sure it is a fair split), once you agree on this NEVER again do one of his jobs. The trouble is most women can’t carry through with this especially if it impacts the kids so you have to be hard nosed. If something does impact the kids let him deal with the crying/whinging/embarrassment at having to tell the teacher x doesn’t have what they need. Ignore attempts to guilt you into taking over. Yes it is brutal but tbh in your shoes I don’t think you have any choice if you want change.

Which jobs do you want to take on, dear? Let’s make a list and share it out.

Then not only ignore his jobs, but let him manage the consequences. Laundry for him and dc should be his. Do yours separately so nothing nice gets ruined.

Pick for yourself the jobs that he could get away with doing half heartedly- vacuuming or similar- so there are always consequences for him rather than you being uncomfortable with the level of hygiene. Cooking and shopping so you don’t have to eat crap.

Things like insurance and school admin he needs to do regularly so he learns the systems. Evade the endless questions by showing him the file with the information in.

The point of being a couple is playing to your strengths and bolstering your weaknesses, so get him to state what he’s good at so you can leave those kinds of jobs to him.

And don’t start down the ‘pull your weight or split’ route until you’ve achieved more equity. Currently he’d get residency of the kids and maintenance.

I am aligned with the I don't know / hmm what do you think responses.
Although I need to use it less these days...

Also agree practice makes perfect. If you find it hard to fold laundry properly let's keep doing it until you get good at it.

I do think my DH finds it much easier in areas where he feels really confident.
And I make a concerted effort to acknowledge these things and show thanks /appreciation.

E.g. when putting baby to bed he knows all the bits needed to get ready (pj, sleep suit, bottle, comforter, white noise, bed time book etc. vs. Sitting on phone in bedroom "waiting". And then when he comes down he washes up the bottle Vs leaving it to fester in babies room.
He knows the routine inside out and is confident doing it. And it's easy to remember as it's now routine.

That’s the best thing I’ve read in a long while 😆

Keep making that list. In fact, make it a running list - just keep adding to it and crossing things out. Don’t start a new list. Put it on the fridge. Buy a blue highlighter and a pink highlighter. You see where I am going with this, right?

Highlight the jobs he does. Highlight the jobs you do.

However you decide to address the issue, that highlighted list will support your argument. I’d be asking ‘what’s the point of him’? Maybe it will shame him into action?

Just want to clarify, by ‘crossing things out’, I actually mean highlight them.

So, when job is done, it is highlighted. Easy to see what has been done and by whom.

A running list rather than a new one shows exactly that over a longer period of time.

"He's a great and hands on dad" 🤣 "and he considers himself a feminist" 🤣🤣🤣

This is the way I'd go. And just stop all the stuff that doesn't impact on the kids. Simply stop doing it. Yes, things will get in a mess but he'll no longer be able to pretend it's all just a problem with your standards.

I do think my DH finds it much easier in areas where he feels really confident.
And I make a concerted effort to acknowledge these things and show thanks /appreciation.

E.g. when putting baby to bed he knows all the bits needed to get ready (pj, sleep suit, bottle, comforter, white noise, bed time book etc. vs. Sitting on phone in bedroom "waiting". And then when he comes down he washes up the bottle Vs leaving it to fester in babies room.
He knows the routine inside out and is confident doing it. And it's easy to remember as it's now routine.

@Totalwasteofpaper How old is your DH? Five?

I am sorry I had to laugh when I read your post, although I understand it and feel your pain.
I was going to offer some advice but then remembered this happened.

"where are the bin liners?" in the virtuous voice of one who is about to voluntarily empty the bin.
They are in the cupboard
"Which cupboard?"
The Cupboard under the stairs.
"whereabouts in the cupboard under the stairs?"
In the box labelled Bin Liners
"Whereabouts in the box labelled bin liners?"

I let him "search" for them amongst the different types of bin liners and come back to find he has indeed changed the bin liner, but left the full bin bag on the floor, leaking stinking bin juice, because - the liner isn't quite full enough yet and its wasteful and "inefficient" not to fill it to the brim before putting it outside, as if smelly bin juice on the floor is irrelevent and inescapable price you pay for efficient bin liner fillage It was the logical thought process that got me.

He changes the bin all the time so (????) He fully intended to do the task, unasked and he does take the bins out and remembers to put the outside bins out for the bin men without fail but I think he wanted me to come and show him and then hand him the correct bin liner, a bit like a dental nurse assisting in handing over equipment? So that it was done correctly? I don't know what was going on in his brain. It reminded me of the way his Dad does things, he has "procedures" for doing things that have to be followed, its really time consuming and sometimes just weird.
Aside from these episodes, DH is good at doing his share of , housework tho so I thought i might just leave a paper trail of arrows pointing to the bin liners next time.

To top it off. One of the DC said - you know it's a bit " a retentive" to label everything because it's like shouting where things are. Do you think?
Luckily this behaviour only extends to bin liners and for some reason sellotape. We have about 8 rolls knocking around which I keep putting back in a box labelled sellotape, but he is still unable to locate them without the same series of questions.

Sorry OP. I know that's not much help. It's just that your post jogged my memory. I guess the overall advice is, he doesnt sound like a multitasker by nature, (the long man poo😂 ) so maybe pick one or two areas you feel you'd have most success at and build up from there.

You are much nicer than me @DuckbilledSplatterPuff - my only answer to ‘Where are the bin liners/Sellotape?’ would be ‘Where do you think?’ or perhaps ‘Where they always are’ or ‘Where have you looked?’

It is the sense of assistance like a dental nurse, isn’t it? My FIL always had his second wife accompany him to ‘assist’ on DIY tasks by being there to ‘hand me that hammer’. My DH tries it sometimes. I’m not very accommodating