Can someone be a sometimes narcissist?

[Tentjump]

My DP has some qualities I am really worried might be narcissistic. We've been together for six years and there's a pattern I am worried a lot about.

He's humble, he's kind, he's incredibly caring, he's very generous, he never speaks badly to me, he's reliable, he's committed, he's funny, he's about 500 really great things

but

If he's criticised (even justifiably) he becomes very defensive. And in that role he devolves instantly into a few unpleasant things.

1. Almost nauseating and inappropriate self pity
2. A very unsettling level of entitlement
3. DARVO - very blatantly

He invariably apologises afterwards and when calm is able to be extremely contrite and remorseful.

In the midst of arguments, which are quite rare but tend to be very bloody indeed, I find we cannot resolve what's on the table because he displays:

1. Bad faith arguments where its very obvious his objective is not a fair and mutually satisfying solution, but rather to "get his own way" and it becomes very clear my needs are not important.

1. Accussing me of exactly the thing he himself is doing

1. Incoherent rats and complete logical phallicies to a point I feel like my brain hurts

1. Mega gaslighting

1. Pure nonsense (as in something that literally makes no sense) but angrily demanding I accept it

1. Deliberately tries to hurt me - typically by attacking me for something over which I had no control (eg: anger that our income reduced when I was made redundant)

1. Very extreme deflection to a point the original issue is lost in whataboutery

1. Using guilt (eg: telling me that me causing a fight has caused him to miss work when I have not caused the fight!)

I have read up on narcissism and a lot of these things seem to be classic, but he really doesn't fit with other elements AT ALL.

He is not demanding, arrogant or needing admiration. He doesnt use others against me (he's more protective). He doesn't believe he's special and has no interest in success or power.

He is selfish though, and has a bizarre sense of entitlement. Like for example he feels entitled to what his parents had. He also feels entitled to unconditional love from me (even if he's hurt me) and he definitely has a lack of empathy.

Any thoughts?

Have a look at the Dr Ramani videos on YouTube, she does a series on low, mid and high range narcissists. Either way, he sounds like he has the capacity to be pretty awful to you despite his 'good' qualities, have you discussed this behaviour with him?

The wonderfully wise poster @ohtheroses once posted something really profound about an overactive blame/shame reaction- basically explaining how any amount of blame can trigger a complete overreaction due to feelings of shame

Sorry I didn't save it (and often wish I had)

That sound really interesting- let’s see if we can whistle up @ohtheroses

Have a look at covert narcissism. Dr Ramani speaks about this too. You also say he never speaks badly to you, but then you go on to give lots of examples of him doing just this.

Could he be a covert narcissist?

Harder to spot than your usual type.

My ex was "lovely" on the surface but underneath it all was passive-aggressive, "punished" me if I tried to assert myself, had zero interest in my needs. His parenting was narcissistic too - golden child & scapegoat stuff. Arguments/issues never resolved as he was never responsible for anything.

He was Lundy Bancroft's "demand man".

Perhaps have a read of his book & see if you recognise any behaviours.

Your DH does not sound nice underneath it all.

Maybe covert, which I believe can be worse. Mine came across as introverted and wasn't into showing off or being centre of attention and lived frugally. Extremely head strong, opinionated and justified in everything she did and it you didn't agree you were lower than scum.

Always drama and chaos, a reason for an argument and those arguments would be brought up by her. Yet you couldn't actually figure out what the problem was because spent the entire time raging and refusing to talk that you never got to the issue at hand. Constant moving of goal posts, illogical ramblings rages that made you feel you were communicating with someone from an asylum, nothing made sense just hatred.

Everything was an emotional reaction rather than logical. Some perceived slight, things taken out of context, tone of voice, facial expressions anything and everything to further that rage.

On one hand intelligent but the other side unintelligent without any concept of consequence, the past or foresight. Jekyll and Hyde to a tee.

The covert narcissist thing didn't ring bells either when I read about it.

The overacting blame / shame thing sounds bang on the money though.

He literally says shame triggers it.

I'll see if I can find the post x

He absolutely does speak badly to you then - he does it if you ever say anything he’s done is not completely perfect

You’re just trying to make excuses for his unacceptable behaviour

There's a difference between a Narcissist and narcissistic tendencies, everyone has tendencies just some more than others. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is what I think I'm dealing with just from the sheer lunacy of it, been consistent.

I mean mine does the whole change of persona/mask, our entire marriage has been a lie it seems. Also rewrites history into something new to match whoever is at present and has done this multiple times and again now. Also have health problems as a result that seem to fit narcissistic abuse syndrome.

He may not be a narcissist but just narcissistic.

It's definitely triggered by shame.

He only does this in an argument where he's absolutely 100% in the wrong.

Interesting

He's humble, he's kind, he's incredibly caring, he's very generous, he never speaks badly to me, he's reliable, he's committed, he's funny, he's about 500 really great things

^^ I'm guessing that is when you are deferring to him, whether it's to keep the peace or because you genuinely aren't bothered, ie Indian or pizza for tea. Once you have an opinion or choose something he does not want or say no, is it then that he blows up?

@AutumnFroglets

I'm guessing that is when you are deferring to him, whether it's to keep the peace or because you genuinely aren't bothered, ie Indian or pizza for tea. Once you have an opinion or choose something he does not want or say no, is it then that he blows up?

No, we're generally both easygoing. I don't defer to him. I actually choose most things (not dominance but he's just chilled). We disagree on lots of things and he doesn't mind. It's only when he has done something wrong (deeply wrong) that he reacts this way.

That is not my experience of what I think is narcissism. There is no calm or nice, the opposite, only a slightly nicer version while not being devalued and that is only because you are toeing the line. Soon as you have an opinion of your own or disagree, or even do nothing at all, devalue and rage.

I think the longest without chaos was a week but you could feel it bubbling, something was due.

That is why I asked. Kinda feels good to know it's not that (so we can dismiss boiled frog syndrome), but now I have no idea. Sorry OP.