When you think it's emotional abuse but refuse to admit that it is and then think actually YOU are the problem

[beigevase]

I know it's emotional abuse.
I've been told by the police, by my therapist, by woman's aid and pretty much the whole of Mumsnet.

I'm in the healing process.

My issues are I believe none of it is really that bad.

He said he loved me, I was different to the others etc etc all while trying to reel me back in. He has all the words.

Every time he promised it would be different. The last time he really meant it. He booked a drs appointment for anxiety and was going back to see a therapist. 'This time I really am going to change'

I am too weak to stand up for myself or to say 'no' which is why I'm the worst problem. If I could just of been that bit braver. The last time he told me I am too sensitive. I cry over everything.

He can't help having anxiety and paranoia. It's an illness.

He didn't hit me or call me names.

Anyone else feel like this?

I'm booked to go on the freedom programme next week which I know will help. But what worries me is I know I will compare my story to others and I will immediately think 'well that didn't happen to me so my story isn't that bad' and then feel like I've made a massive mistake ending my marriage.

X

I'm sorry you are going through this op.

But thr chances are that a large part of your anxiety ons paranoia are because you've been in this abusive relationship.

Perhaps it would help to think of it this way - even if you take abuse out of the equation, this relationship was not making you happy. If anything, it's been making you ill.

Relationships shouldn't be a struggle.
They should lift you up, not drag you down.

You shouldn't have to spend them fighting for love, understanding, empathy, kindness. Or giving all those things to them but them rarely being returned.

Partners are simply to add a little warmth amd comfort to out lives. And vice versa. If the relationship doesn't do that (let alone, also adds suffering) then it isn't one you would be in.

Is it possible to block all contact with him? Because that would be a good first step.

So if maybe you start from a baseline mantra of

'I have a right to peace'.
'I have a right to self love'
'I have a right to self care'

None of those things could happen within that relationship, that's why you needed to get free.

Yes it's important to come to an understanding that he was abusive. But you also have to escape the conditioning of...running around after him.and thinking of his needs and wants.

It's important to hear yourself again. What you need. And recognise that you are worth a happy life, with kind people in it.

Looking after yourself is not selfish. Despite how it may feel after living with someone like him.
You just have to get back into the practice of self love and care. It'll maybe feel strange for a while but id start each day looking in thr mirror and saying those positive affirmations out loud. And any simular that may help you. Until you believe them.

Thanks for your posts. Nothing really seems clear in my head other than I am certain that I've spent the last 7 years on his emotional rollercoaster and not my own.

I'm on my own now but I still seem to be jumping over to his. I never used to be this person. I'm also certain of that. I've always been shy and low on self esteem but being with him has taken it to an all new level of low.

It will be the next step. We have a child together so it's not entirely possible but I've thought of setting up an email address just to contact him through

Don't blame yourself, OP. Men like him latch on to women like you (shy, low esteem as you have said). That is not the same as being weak which I'm sure as shit you are not. He is - hence his behaviour.

Your problems have been caused by him and his treatment of you.

And about this:
He can't help having anxiety and paranoia. It's an illness.

We all choose how we treat people. If it really wasn't that bad how he chose to treat you, you wouldn't have felt the need to end the relationship and get away from him. Good luck with the Freedom programme.

PS. If you practice saying no (to anything), it becomes easier to say it again.

Yeah or maybe get a burner phone or something. And only check it if he has the kid atm or is due to pick up/drop off. Or just check it once a day and don't reply to anything that's not child related and necessary. Stick it in a drawer, turned off the rest of the time to avoid temptation. Never respond to him immediately. Count to thirty or something so as to avoid knee jerk reactions.

Well done on getting free.

Just noticed you said it was HIM that had anxiety and paranoia. With all due respect op, lots of people have mental illness without using it as an excuse to abuse other people. Also, abusers often pretend to be mentally ill in order to make us feel guilty for calling them out or leaving when they act like complete fuckers.

It was common for example in lundy bankrofts findings (he worked with abusers for years before largely coming to the conclusion that they don't want help. They just want help to PRETEND not to be abusers. To abuse in smarter, more sneaky ways) that accusing their partners of cheating was very common. But when asked by him - did they actually believe their wives cheated? The resounding consensus was 'no'. It was just a control tactic.

We have to believe they believe it. We have to believe they don't mean us harm, its an 'illness'. Depression or bipolar or anxiety or whatever shite they are claiming. That's how they trick and guilt us into staying. The things is...they may also have these things, but it's totally irrelevant. Why? Because he didn't want help. He didn't want to change. He didn't care about the harm it caused you enough to even see one lousy gp. Hes only now claiming to want help because NOW it affects him negatively.

Before, it only affected you. And he didn't care about you. Now his doormat has up and walked out...so he's shitting it. And guess what? He won't change. It's just a lie to reel you back in. Because if he did want to change, he would have done everything in his power to have done it instead of hurting the woman he was supposed to love over and over and over again.

No honey, he's not mentally ill (or if he is, it's not relevant) - he is just a bastard.

Women are not rehab for damaged men anyway.

No words beacuse I believe these posts should be predominantly women supporting women but you are incredibly brave OP and should be proud of yourself