Relationship broken down after having a baby

[B2023]

I had a baby four months ago, and ever since me and my partner have slowly drifted apart.

he works full time and I’m always at home with our son, I’m ok with this because I know it’s my responsibility to look after our son. My problem is that my partner doesn’t see how difficult being a stay at home mother can be. He thinks because I’m at home every day I have it easy.

Can I just say I understand the stress of work, I have worked twelve hour shifts, night shifts, I have worked under very stressful circumstances. I take my hat off to any parent that has a child and also has the energy to go to work.

I don’t have any friends, so I’m quite isolated. This has caused my mental health to deteriorate quite a lot. My partner never changes our sons nappy, he doesn’t feed him. Even when he’s off work, I’m the one who will wake up with him throughout the night.

my partner and I are constantly having arguments, we aren’t intimate anymore. I feel like the spark has just gone. I have never been told I am a good parent, and I just feel really low the last few months. I had a really difficult birthing experience, and when family visited our home after having our son, I had to stand or sit on the floor, as we didn’t have enough room for guests to sit down. I just feel almost like I’m just existing and I don’t matter anymore. My partner was angry with me because I didn’t want guests immediately, I just wanted to spend quality time with our baby and relax for a few days.

My partner doesn’t hug me anymore or look at me, I feel like I’m invisible. I feel like I’ve given him a son and now he just isn’t interested in me or my well-being. I’m glad he has such a wonderful relationship with our son, and he truly does love him. I just want him to put more effort in and I wanted us to be a happy family.

He has told me that he is leaving me. I am now in a situation where I have a four month old child I am fighting for as he wants to take our son. I am also left to look after a kitten and a puppy that he brought and said he will not take with him.

for three months now I have been paying all of the bills by myself. The rent, council tax, tv licence, gas, electric, water, tv and WiFi.

I just feel so lost and helpless and I really don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to lose my son. I don’t want to give the dog up as shelters are under so much stress already, and I’d feel awful for the pup. But I don’t think I can handle it all by myself. I’m really struggling to pull myself together. Can someone please help me think of an ideal situation, please. I really am in need of some help and advice and friendly words.

Can I just add. He would be moving in with his mother. So when he is at work, his mother would be looking after our son.

his mother looked after someone’s child last year and could not find them, they had walked out of the front door without her even noticing.

she is glued to her phone and does not pay any of her grandchildren any attention. I have stayed at their home previously and his very young niece was half way up the stairs before anyone else even realised she was out of the room.

his mother and partner are always arguing and are physically violent. I do not want my son around this. I don’t trust her ability to look after him or put his needs and safety first.

I don't see how he can just take your baby away from you.
He sounds horrible.
You're going to be better off when he leaves, since you already pay for everything and do all of the childcare.

You can get advice from Women's Aid.

www.womensaid.org.uk

Side note, you talk about mental health, any chance you have PND? It might be worth speaking to a charity

I'm sorry but he can NOT just take your child, get help immediately. He's an abusive arse.

Honestly OP he has no right to take your baby.

So he doesn’t get up in the night, feed them, change them etc or pay any bills but he expects to leave with your baby? I’d be quite concerned at that. Have you got any support? If not family, is your health visitor good? Or any in the team? Call asap for some support and advice they may be able to point you In the right direction. I hope things improve, concentrate on yourself and your baby and I hope things improve soon

He can't just take the child. Presumably you are on maternity leave. Can you find a childminder and plan your return to work?

Tell him he will be paying half the child care fees.

Then you can rebuild your life with your child and he can do whatever the hell he wants.

Rehome (ethically) the cat and dog. You don't need the extra added stress.

See gp/health visitor about pnd etc. Even if you don't have pnd you will need extra support at this time

He cannot take your son.

Put in a claim for any benefits you might be due/reduction in council tax etc.

Start a claim with CMS.

@B2023

Please don't stress about him taking your son. He can't just pick him up and walk out with him. It's not happening. When you say you pay all the bills, do you mean from your own money? Does he contribute nothing even though he works long hours? Is your home rented or mortgaged and is it in joint names?

So hes a bastard.

His mum is highly unlikely to want to be a free babysitter several days per week. Probably won't even want him staying more than a year either right?

Let's face it, the second he reslises he is going to have to change the babies nappies himself sometimes... you'll be lucky if he wants to take the kid for an afternoon here and there (days where coincidently, his mother is free).

Oh and he's not a good dad btw, he's never even changed a nappy or done a feed, he's pathetic. Its good that he's going. He's dead weight.

And if his name is on the tenancy for your home, chase him up legally for his share of that and the bills. Walking out on the mother of his newborn and leaving her to pay for everything...what.a.loser.

Honestly you'll be better off without him.

I say good riddance to him. I’d pack his bags for him and change the locks when he’s out at work. Then tell him he has 7 days to collect the pets or you will have them rehomed.

Why is he not contributing if he is working? He needs to be paying. He definitely can’t not take your son, I know it’s not ideal but maybe rehoming the puppy & kitten could be a good idea as it would be one less job. Have you spoken to the Health Visitor or the Drs they will 100% be on your side. You have this OP don’t let him or his mum bully you! Have you got any friends or family? Go to some baby groups and make friends locally you’ll be amazed how good you feel soon I promise

Is this a situation where he moved into your rented flat and you got pregnant very soon into your relationship? It doesn't sound like a settled committed relationship if he barely looks after his own son and you're paying for everything, even though, presumably you are on maternity leave and still recovering from the birth mentally and physically?

I’m glad he has such a wonderful relationship with our son, and he truly does love him.

A wonderful relationship with a baby means looking after their needs.
Loving a baby means looking after their needs.

He doesn't feed him, change nappies, get up in the night, and despite that he doesn't even provide financially, he also threatens the babies caregiver with the worst threat you can say to a new mother, that he'll take the baby, he sounds like an utter cunt and not in any way a good dad.

This times a million.

Thank you all for your advice and support, you have all given me a lot to think about and I really appreciate the time given to respond to this.

Our relationship isn’t new, we have been together for six years. We had a really strong bond, until very soon after I gave birth. I really don’t know what happened or what went wrong unfortunately.

we rent a property, so I will have to speak to our landlord in terms of changing the tenancy I think.

I understand he doesn’t change nappies or do things he most definitely should, so I can understand where a lot of you are coming from. I just meant in terms of making our son smile, I am truly sorry if I offended anyone at all, that really wasn’t my intention.

once again, thank you all. I really do appreciate your time

I don't think you offended anyone. We were just pointing out that he isn't a good dad.

I understand he doesn’t change nappies or do things he most definitely should, so I can understand where a lot of you are coming from. I just meant in terms of making our son smile, I am truly sorry if I offended anyone at all, that really wasn’t my intention.

Imagine all you did as a mother was make your son smile, didn't feed him or change nappies, never got up with him at night. You just got to do the easy fun part, make him smile.

You didn't offend anyone, we're just trying to make you see that he's not a wonderful dad, he sounds absolutely awful. It takes a special kind of cruelty for a man to threaten to take a new baby from his mother, one which you carried and do all of the parenting off, at this point the baby will feel like an extension of you and that bastard is telling you he's leaving and wants to take the baby and he'll get his mother to look after him. He's a pig!!

I just feel almost like I’m just existing and I don’t matter anymore.

Also I just want to say. You do matter. You matter so much! You are your babies whole world. And whatever is going on with your partner is not a reflection on you at all. It speaks volumes about him though.