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Relationships

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Original poster

At what point do I tell him?

20 replies

Bimbimmer · 05/10/2023 10:11

Have been with BF for four years. We have a nice relationship - on the surface.
BF, however, continues to keep me and our relationship very compartmentalised, and there is no discussion of a future together.

As such, I’ve begun to detach, and to make plans for my own future. This potentially involves moving to another part of the country to access educational opportunities for my DC and to be closer to members of my family.

So far, nothing concrete has happened - I’ve started looking vaguely at houses and figuring out my budget, etc. and I’m considering taking DC to visit a school / college to have a look around in early December.

Realistically, I would need to make the move in time for start of next school year as this fits in with my DC’s stages of education.

So far I haven’t mentioned a potential move to BF. At what point should I?

OP posts:

MNetcurtains · 05/10/2023 10:15

I think now would be a good time. If this spurs him into action regarding your relationship/future, then it would would give him time to sort things on his side should he decide to move with you. If that doesn't happen then nothing is lost and at least you can go full throttle with your arrangements..

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 05/10/2023 10:20

If you're serious about the move then the sooner you talk to him the better. Certainly before you do anything with the children. I assume they are not your DP's children? Your DP has a decision to make, you need to give him the opportunity to decide, and you need to know where he stands so you can make your own decisions.

Do you still want him to commit to you? Do you want him to move house with you if he does not commit to a shared long-term future? Do you want an end to the compartmentalisation? After 4 years and with big decisions ahead you need to know where you stand.

Original poster

Bimbimmer · 05/10/2023 10:34

So him moving with me is not an option. He has DC and other family ties here.

I think the time for him to make a commitment and show the depth of his feelings (if there is any!) has passed. We’ve had lots of discussions about elements of it - him not communicating, keeping me separate from his family and friends, etc. - and despite promises, nothing has changed.

OP posts:

Takeabreather23 · 05/10/2023 10:35

If you think he can’t sway your decision then yes tell him, but if your minds made up it doesn’t matter .

Mayve get the school visit done first then when your back have a talk , as your ending the relationship .

Takeabreather23 · 05/10/2023 10:37

Bimbimmer · 05/10/2023 10:34

So him moving with me is not an option. He has DC and other family ties here.

Well you don’t owe him anything do you . He simply thought you would hang around.
He going to be shocked, make sure your ready and feeling strong enough for any outbursts.
4 years and keeping you from his life .
Good for you for making decisions about you and your dd future abs not being held back by him .

MNetcurtains · 05/10/2023 10:41

Bimbimmer · 05/10/2023 10:34

So him moving with me is not an option. He has DC and other family ties here.

That puts an entirely different complexion on things. You need to do what is right for you and you DC. If this is his attitude after 4 years, he's unlikely to change.

Silvers11 · 05/10/2023 11:03

MNetcurtains · 05/10/2023 10:15

This!!

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 05/10/2023 11:16

Sounds as if it's basically over. He hasn't changed in 4 years so and he probably wont now and you're preparing to move on without him. If you're not living with him then when you tell him isn't a huge issue. Agree with a pp that after you've visited the school is a reasonable time.

MamaToABeautifulBoy · 05/10/2023 11:24

Why are you even considering how / when you tell him? It’s not like he’s considered your feelings by the sound of it.

Make your plans and solidify them before any weak declarations of changing from him sway you to change your mind, which by the sound of it would be a huge mistake.

And all the best for your new life!

Original poster

Bimbimmer · 15/12/2023 10:44

Morning all, bit of an update…
DCs and I visited potential new town two weeks ago. Had a lovely time and it has further cemented my dream of living there someday.
However. We didn’t do school visits as my daughter has done a 180 about the move. She’s in Y7 currently and due to start high school next September. She is quite shy and reserved, and has just this school year made a nice circle of friends. She’s now reluctant to leave them, and knowing how she struggles, I am very much wondering if moving her away would be a good idea. DS will be going to college. He loves the idea of the move, but has almost identical Further Education opportunities whether we move or stay. He has plenty of friends here but a big move doesn’t phase him.
I’ve not spoken to BF about any of this yet, but now wondering if I should just end things anyway as I don’t want to just string him along. All so confusing… 🫤

OP posts:

Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk · 15/12/2023 10:47

If you're not happy in the relationship, end it. You don't need a reason. It isn't working for you.

SausageAndEggSandwich · 15/12/2023 10:51

I wouldn't bank on your DD keeping the same friends from primary in high school

Even if they all go to the same school (don't know how likely that is), children will be mixed up in new groups with new children from other schools.

Schools will not take any notice of existing friendship groups when deciding the new classes.

Ilovegoldies · 15/12/2023 10:54

I wouldn't base such a decision on the friendships either. Change is scary and I don't know any child who would have said anything different (unless they were seriously unhappy in school)

MsRosley · 15/12/2023 10:55

Yeah, your daughter might not even have the same friends next year. You can't hang life changing decisions on something as ephemeral as that.

perfectcolourfound · 15/12/2023 11:00

It's hard to avoid the two ussues becoming inter-twined but you have to separate them.

The move might not be the right thing right now for you and DCs (that could change in a few years time, and it looks like you know exactly where you want to go if it does). Don't give up hope on it yet though. Perhaps a visit to the school, with no pressure, might change your DD's mind.

The relationship - it sounds like it's run its course anyway, you were comfortable leaving him by moving towns, so if you stayed with him now it would be because he lives nearby rather than because you want to be with him. I think if you finish the relationship, the other decisions may suddenly seem clearer.

Namechange666 · 15/12/2023 11:05

Move. Be near your family. Be happy.

pickledandpuzzled · 15/12/2023 11:12

Do you live together?

I wouldn’t make it a big conversation. I’d just drop it in, dribs and drabs.

Had a lovely visit, we’re not sure whether to head back there now or wait till DD finishes school. DS and I want to go now. DD is t so sure.

Can’t decide whether to look for a 3 bed with a garden or a 4 bed.

You don’t need to tell him because he’s opted out of planning for the future.

Watchkeys · 15/12/2023 12:49

Why do you think there's a 'should' about when you tell him? If there's a 'should', there's someone/something who decides it; who decides how that thing 'should' be. Who do you think makes those decisions?

Takeabreather23 · 16/12/2023 10:11

Stringing hiM along ? Hasn’t he been the one doing that to you.
I don’t think he deserves any special way of breaking the move . You either staffy talking of the move but he might perk up at the realisation you date to want more and a future without him .
Or have you moment tell him the relationship is over and you deserve better
This isn’t about the move this is about him keeping you away and separate from
his life . You reap what you sow

Always difficult moving kids . ESP at y7
Also true what pp said . This is where friendship groups change .

MinervatheGreat · 16/12/2023 10:27

I’d be the sort who’d get all my arrangements made and the day prior to moving would tell him!

He’s treated you as if you are of no consequence so from the outside looking in I’d unceremoniously dump him and move onto your new life.

As for your daughter, as others have said, friendship groups change at secondary school so there is no guarantee she will keep the same crowd. Plenty of kids change schools all the time … forces families etc. It’s character building stuff.

Just do it! Your new life awaits you.

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