Is it me

[HermioneRuby1]

DH for the most is great, we've had our ups and downs like most people but in recent years when we have a tiff it becomes bigger than it needs to be and gets carried on for days.
Yesterday in a conversation where we were talking of replacing a carpet he said it's not necessary (it's thread bare) I stupidly said it feels like your not bothered about the house looking nice. He then went from 0-100 and started saying I was out of order, not allowing me to speak, walking away and closing the door on me.
I am no innocent I get what I said got to him and tried to say ok I am sorry that wasn't fair to say but did he really need to react that way? He just cuts me off and tells me to do one!
It's now a day later and it's carried on and escalated further as he offered to take the kids to school and I said it's fine I got it he then had a go saying for someone who runs around all the time and moans about having to taxi the kids every where I would have said yes. I am human and college, school, clubs etc do get a pain sometimes so granted I will occasionally get fed up so he's not wrong but I was half way out the door.
We're both working from home and the atmosphere is horrible, he's not engaging unless he has to and being cold and curt when he does.
It's emotionally exhausting and if I try to talk to him which is what I usually do to resolve and move on it will blow up again.
I feel like for the first time I need to stay quiet and out of the way! I just don't know what else to do right now.

but I was half way out the door

Do you think he chose the timing deliberately? Could he be setting you up to react to his 'perfectly reasonable' question so he can react to you and continue feeling like the victim?

I don't think you were stupid or unfair in saying it felt like he's not bothered about the house looking nice. From what you say it sounds like he's looking for reasons to go off on one.

I feel like for the first time I need to stay quiet and out of the way!

His behaviour is working. He's controlling you. He's not really angry, he's using that pretend anger to shut you up and keep you from bothering him.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's horrible

He's bullying you, OP. You pointed out something he didn't like, so instead of discussing it he immediately stonewalled you and continued to punish you with hostility and silence. His aim is clear - to make sure you never dare 'criticise' him again.

You have three options. You can apologise and kowtow to him for the rest of your lives together. You can leave the marriage. Or you can absolutely refuse to let him pull this crap on you. In the short term, this is going to be unpleasant, and will involve you escalating and getting properly angry with him about his bad behaviour. In your shoes, I would call out his behaviour and tell him you absolutely will not tolerate being treated like this, and that he's too old for having such a massive tantrum. Then you insist you discuss your original point about the carpet like adults. You do not let him deflect or minimise, you work out what you want to say and tell him how it affects you.

You aren't stupid or unreasonable for wanting to replace a threadbare carpet or for wanting your house to be a pleasant and homely environment. It was an absolutely fair point to make.

You are communicating in an emotional way due to the atmosphere being so icy maybe, throwing your emotions. Perhaps try being just practical for a while. It looks like his love language might be through doing tasks. So his attempt at making up was to offer do the school run, which you didn't allow him to do. Show him the threadbare carpet patch, stick to the facts and leave emotion out of it because otherwise it sounds like a criticism. For some reason he is being sensitive to criticism at the moment, or has he always been that way?

How long have you both been WFH? Could be you're both getting on each other's tits. Not an excuse for him being an arsehole and picking fights, but...

Thanks all I think I'll stay away until he's ready to talk like an adult and we will be less emotional. Feel like I need to stick to my guns and show him reaction and his stonewalling is not acceptable any more.
He's not great with criticism and if he's ever done anything wrong in the past he'll be very defensive.
We're only WFH today usually I do and he is in the office or other way around so that's not it though I of course don't doubt we occasionally get on each other's nerves and we both can say things in the heat of the moment which are unfair/hurtful. But my issue is the reaction to a comment which was made is unnecessary and could have/should have been addressed immediately and moved on from rather than continuing on of this behaviour which makes me question myself.

@HermioneRuby1

I wouldn't react emotionally to his attitude at all.

Go back home and continue with your work.

Get immersed in it. Ignore his shitty attitude and when he does actually talk to you again tell him your string is thin for being yelled at when you have an opinion on something and if he continues to behave in an anisive manner youl be re considering your options.

Stand up to him.

He reacts this way because it's always worked hasn't it op?

He tells you go silent and it gets swept under the carpet.

Not ok

rather than continuing on of this behaviour which makes me question myself.

Again his behaviour is working. Do not doubt yourself.

You need to talk and openly communicate whilst dropping your egos completely and being vulnerable with one another. Agree on a code-word or an action that you both do that triggers you to change the disagreement into this open conversation.
My partner and I found we had issues like this in the start where we would argue about tiny things, but they would blow up because we didn't communicate correctly. We had a very open conversation about what triggers us etc. Like REALLY open because we wanted to work together on our communication. We agreed that if we started to disagree and it seemed like it was going to turn into a fight we would do a 'mic drop' action with our hand which stands for 'drop it.' It'd then remind us of the open conversation we had and we would both drop our egos and talk about it properly and listen to eachother. Over time, we have to do this less because when we have that open conversation about our feelings during the disagreement and what happened, we learn how to handle our partners.
I gave this advice to my friend but her boyfriend just stayed completely riled up and refused to talk openly about it even after they'd agreed. Some people just have no emotional intelligence and if they're not willing to work with you, consider looking elsewhere. I understand this may be hard with a husband though.

I would also consider sitting him down and talking to him, asking how he is, if anything is bothering him. Ask how he feels physically, then mentally. Explain that you are concerned you have both been fighting a bit more recently. Open up to him first and tell him what you have been struggling with that may be making you more irritable and apologise. Hopefully this will open him up and he may give you some insight. Will be first step into figuring out how to communicate through difficult times

Best of luck xxx