Does anyone have zero co parenting relationship with your child's abusive parent?

[Courtnightmares]

Looking for experiences of anyone who went through court and then went on to have zero communication with ex partner but ex partner still has contact.
Did you use a go between or third party?
My ex is horribly abusive and I cannot bear the thought of ever seeing him again or communicating with him, however minimal it is. He terrorised me and I still have nightmares about him.. I cannot physically bear the thought of Co parenting with him.
We're approaching the final hearing of very long proceedings..
Just wondering how people who went through similar navigated contact without any communication directly with ex?

Really sorry you're going through this, it must be incredibly traumatic.

My ex was verbally abusive, threatened to kill me, told my then 8yr old obscene things about me and was awful.

I didn't go through the court process but I did refuse any contact. I have zero contact with him now and haven't done for 15mos. It is the best for me and my mental health. Although I sometimes feel guilty for my children I have to ensure I am in the best possible health (physically and mentally) to be able to efficiently parent and work and all that comes with it.

I communicate via ex MIL. I won't lie, it is strained and very difficult. My ex refuses to see the children more than 36 hours a month. I always offer more in case there is ever a legal case. He uses his mum to opt out of parenting and I know she enables this as she is either a) embarrassed by his behaviour so covers it. b) using it as a method to control me.

The result is all parenting responsibility falls to me. He absolutely will not do anything over the 1 day and 1 overnight a month.

The positive is I don't have to see/speak with him or have any interaction.

I try my best to remain neutral with the kids, although that may be counterproductive as certainly my eldest is aware we have no communication. I also understand that in the future there maybe graduations/weddings/grandchildren we need to share with our children but I will cross those bridges when I come to them

Not my experience as my ex is not involved through choice but I like the idea of child being collected to school and taken back to school so never ever have to see the other parent!

We are thankfully quite a long way out the other side.

Communication was only ever via email. I did learn to deal with that. I found it became easier as time went on.

I stopped agreeing to everything because if I gave an inch he would take a mile. Before agreeing to anything I would ask why. Manly manly lies were shown up thus way.

I would use the grey rock technique, I literally never started a Communication unless there was an immediate need or it was information the court ordered me to give. I literally never rearranged contact myself, I either did stuff on my weekend or we didn't do it.

If I needed something i would wait until he wanted to cancel or change something, use that opportunity to make my request (while we are Communicating successfully DC need you to....) then only answer his request once he had answered mine.

I also used the broken record technique, first time I would state something with a reason and polite niceties, second time i would repeat the answer more simply with niceties, Third time onwards I would literally copy and paste the answer and nothing else. He learned that the answer he got at the start was as good as it was going to get.

If something Ex said was factually incorrect I would correct it with DD (eg I cant come your the play because there was no trains that day we would look it up on the app, or I came but you didn't see me when we had taken the time to stop and check the room just in case). If it was a matter opinion "Your dad has his perspective, I have mine, you might see it differently again". (Thr old recollections may vary long before it became popular). Teaching DD to hold onto her truth and reality whilst not aggravating her father became an ongoing tightrope.

Ex was slowly self restricting contact when he realised he couldn't use the kids to get at me. He literally was losing interest in them as it became apparent they didn't believe his bs either. Ds was a vast pain and disappoinent due to his sn. you do need to be aware actually got more dangerous for them the older they got and the more they challenged him when he lied or let them down. Eventually and very sadly he physically injured one and I was (just about no thanks to ss) able to stop contact.

I also understand that in the future there maybe graduations/weddings/grandchildren we need to share with our children

I did also make it very clear to social services that this was never going to happen, it was complete fantasy. Tbf it simply was not possible, I got ptsd like symptoms whenever I was in the car park at handover, let alone the same room. The argument that you have to get to like him/co parent meant absolutely nothing. There was no event I would not rather leave and miss than voluntarily remain in the same vicinity as him.

@Icedlatteplease I feel like that. I was hoping it would pass with time.

Even writing that post to OP last night have resulted in a night of no sleep flooded with bad dreams.

I am hoping, like in your case, he looses interests. Mine are very young at the moment so I have a way to go.

I will never communicate with him, I have made that very clear to CAFCASS. I can't have this person who I fought so hard to get away from forced back into my life. Even hearing his voice or seeing his name makes me panic.
I have suggested a third party and some of his paternal family members.

Sorry to hear you are going through this. I am in a similar situation. I have zero contact with my ex and we have 3 children together. He was given a police warning for stalking me and they instructed that any communication to be done via a family member. He is a huge narcissist and manipulator. I feel sorry that my children have to see him and some weeks they don't want to. He only sees them for a few hours every weekend thankfully. I learnt eventually you can't co parent with a person like him, I parent my children as if he doesn't exist. He doesn't get involved with anything with the children apart from a recent holiday. I do all the dentist, doctor, parents evening appointments etc. He's not interested and I'm fine with that. He doesn't pay any CM either. He's self employed and as soon as I got a new partner he halved maintenance and then manipulated his earnings to show 6k a year despite being a landlord and being a self employed electrician. All his family are supportive of me and ashamed of his behaviour. I still have a close relationship with his family for the children. They know what he's like and what he's done. I would definitely recommend you have zero contact with him. The police mentioned an app both parents can download and all messages are monitored but due to the messages the police officer saw it's safer for me to have nothing to do with him. It's not been easy. He tried to play games and wil send the message to anyone family member to pass onto me regarding the contact as he's so annoyed having to conform to what the police have instructed.

My daughters are grown up now but their father was physically violent. I ended up moving away with them just to get away. He never supported me either emotionally or financially with the girls and it was just us until I met DH and we had our son. Sometimes it’s best just to move on when things get so bad.