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Original poster

So confused by this

11 replies

Pebbles601 · 04/10/2023 21:20

My husband has been depressed over the last year and a bit due to failing business. He has gained a lot of weight, deprived me of intimacy and checked out of the marriage. It came to light he had also been using a lot of porn during this time despite telling me he had no sex drive.

It all came to a head a few weeks ago. I found him lying again and I had enough. He has always maintained that he loves me. He was crying and apologising and to be honest, he was in dire straits and admits now he was pushing me away. We have agreed to separate, he has caused too much hurt. However, despite saying he loves me, I'm fantastic, he had the perfect life but couldn't see it etc. He hasn't once asked if we could work on it, he has agreed to move out, concerned about being amicable for the kids etc. I'm just confused, it is the right thing to do but he has just totally accepted it. Despite saying this is not what he wanted, he hasn't told me he will change, asked for us to try. Nothing. I suppose this is confirmation he has wanted out of the marriage and just needed me to make the decision? I just keep feeling angry as we could have agreed this years ago then! But he kept me hanging on. Has anyone any experience of similar?

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 04/10/2023 21:31

this is confirmation he has wanted out of the marriage and just needed me to make the decision?

I'm afraid I'd have to agree with that take on it. He didn't want to be 'the bad guy' by ending it (I know - fk'd up logic)

Loubelle70 · 04/10/2023 22:17

He hung around acting like a complete dick until you ended it... cowardly. He hasn't objected because he got what he wanted, just that you can be the bad guy to anyone that questions why you split up, he can say you ended it. Sneaky way to garner sympathy and woe me. He is cowardly. Dont question it or him ..let him go.

griegwithhimandhim · 04/10/2023 22:59

Depression does funny things to people. Has he had any counselling or professional support?

RandomForest · 05/10/2023 01:53

The weight gain fits with depression, maybe he didn't want it to end op, maybe both of you don't but each one of you wants the other to fight for them.

Sometimes things get lost in translation, why not suggest councelling.

ThatThingYouCantRemember · 05/10/2023 05:54

His depression, just like his porn habit, are for him to sort out. He seems to be perfectly ok with letting you walk out of his life, so he will not get help for his issues on your account.

Ignore any poster asking you to take on the mental load of a man who doesn’t help himself. It is a drain, a bad investment of your energy, and a fools errand.

You are being cheated out of a chance of a healthy life. One with sex and attraction. One with support. I can’t promise you’ll find Prince Charming but I can promise you that being with Mr Wrong will suck your soul dry and prevent you from even the chance of finding happiness.

Let him go. Release him back to the mud. You are worthy and even being alone is better than having someone around to make you feel less than.

I mean do you really want some guy frantically beating his pathetic meat to porn while his in real life partner is left wanting? Gross!

Loubelle70 · 05/10/2023 07:13

ThatThingYouCantRemember · 05/10/2023 05:54

His depression, just like his porn habit, are for him to sort out. He seems to be perfectly ok with letting you walk out of his life, so he will not get help for his issues on your account.

Ignore any poster asking you to take on the mental load of a man who doesn’t help himself. It is a drain, a bad investment of your energy, and a fools errand.

You are being cheated out of a chance of a healthy life. One with sex and attraction. One with support. I can’t promise you’ll find Prince Charming but I can promise you that being with Mr Wrong will suck your soul dry and prevent you from even the chance of finding happiness.

Let him go. Release him back to the mud. You are worthy and even being alone is better than having someone around to make you feel less than.

I mean do you really want some guy frantically beating his pathetic meat to porn while his in real life partner is left wanting? Gross!

Absolutely bang on!

RaisedByHedgehogs · 05/10/2023 07:19

My exH did the same. Basically acted in a way that sucked my soul dry until I ended it. Then he got to tell all his friends and family that I’d ‘thrown him out.’ A lie. He refused counselling & re-wrote our story to make out that he’d never wanted to be married in the first place. I tried desperately to understand, but it just messed with my head.

Fwiw, I feel free now. Life is good. Living with someone who erodes your heart is exhausting.

Pandora55 · 05/10/2023 07:27

I have to agree that he just wanted out. I've seen the same pattern too many times with friends and family. These people cannot manage guilt. So they push and push till you have no choice but to be the one who ends it. They always use depression as an excuse for really awful behaviour too.

Best of luck op. You'll be just fine x

MidnightOnceMore · 05/10/2023 07:30

If he has depression, you need to factor that into how you assess his responses.

Loubelle70 · 05/10/2023 07:32

MidnightOnceMore · 05/10/2023 07:30

If he has depression, you need to factor that into how you assess his responses.

If he has depression, he needs to sort it. It isn't OP responsibility, she has enough on.

baileys6904 · 05/10/2023 09:49

Or he could have decided he's put you through enough, and to just do what you ask now.

Depression is often taking the path of least resistance. That's not for you to fix but doesn't mean it should be ignored.

This forum is notoriously negative towards mens actions. If someone posted that their other half had surprised them with a beautiful bouquet of flowers, you will still gte the folk that say its a guilty conscience and they're cheating. If a bloke paid for their partner to have a girly weekend away with her best mate, some would say it's to get her out the way so they can shag a work colleague etc etc etc. Only you know your relationship and your husband and what you want from it.

However, your happiness is just as important as anyone else's. Sometimes the bravest decision is the best one

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