Would appreciate advice on what to do?

[ChangeofTimes]

Hello,

First off hope you're all well.

I work away a lot, which has cost me two beautiful relationships to date, with the second one ending about 6 months ago ( still in absolute heartbreak mode )

I work away 12 weeks on 4 weeks off and earn really good money, enough to support a partner back home to only work part time if needed.

In about a year or so my contract will change to 8 weeks on 8 weeks off.

My question to all you wise owls is, what do i do?! I'm 32 in a few weeks and have been thinking alot about wanting to find a long term partner to now settle down and build a life with, which i think is why this breakup 6months ago has hit me so hard. It's got me really low.

The money is good, the job i really enjoy also. But me working away every 8 weeks for 8 weeks I feel is going to ruin my chances of finding love and building a family? Has anyone had any experiences of partners working away for that time and it working, or dated and explained the situation and they're okay with it?

Some guidance and thoughts would be REALLY appreciated, my heads a mess with what to do right now. Earn the money and enjoy the job but sacrifice the family potentially, or do a job back in the UK where i could be miserable and be on literally 50% less money....

My friend did similar, she worked out on oil rigs. She loved the job and managed to find someone who didn’t mind her being away so much. Eventually she got promoted and spent most of her time managing teams from home with occasional trips away. They are happily married with three children, so it is possible!

I don't know if you're a man or a woman but if having a family includes having children I don't see how you can expect that to work with 8 weeks away at a time. Your job sounds fulfilling but not family/relationship friendly. It's probably one or the other.

Oh, just to say her partner worked a full time job but more regular hours - but a lot of hours!! So it might be good to look for someone who also works a lot and won’t be twiddling their thumbs when you’re away (or someone who has an active life/hobbies etc). I think if either myself or my partner worked away a lot and the other didn’t it would lead to resentment and we’d be very bored as we enjoy spending time together rather than being on our own.

The right man won't mind. I had a job that took me away from DH for weeks at a time for the entire year before we married. I jacked it in, only to get another job which involved travelling for weeks at a time. We are still together 30 years later. And I still work away from home for weeks on end. I quit when raising DC but went straight back into it once they were in late teens. And DH is a real home body and semi retired to look after DC while i worked.

Just start dating and keep an eye out for a man who enjoys his own company, whose ego is not compromised by a woman who has an interesting and demanding career. there will be good men out there who are happy to put up with the distance.

Are you male?

I live in an area (coastal Scotland) where people working away is very common, families work absolutely fine around it - it’s secure, well paid and you have plenty of time together when you are at home. Just in my village of 40 houses, half a dozen families have this with a working-away parent.

My partner does this exact rotation. 8 weeks home, 8 weeks away.

We make it work well. I think largely because now we are living together I work 30 hours a week instead of full time. And I do shifts. So when he's home I'm also around d apart from my 2/3 shifts that week. I have kids. He doesn't. We're both 41 now though and been together 3 years. Getting married next year. His well paid job allows us a nice life. And we make the most of time together when he's home.

Maybe date a nurse?
When he's away we WhatsApp every day and video call once a day

Thanks for the replies so far guys, really appreciate it.

I am a man, which might make me a little outnumbered here I see 😅

This new contract I will be going on in around a year, 8 weeks on 8 weeks off will take quite some work to get. I'm trying to work out if it's worth it. The money will be good, I would be able to support a future partner whereby she could work part time no problem...but it's finding that partner.

As when I'm home i've got 8 weeks, to go out meet women, dates etc which is going to be a challenge in itself before i'm then away again.

I know people make it work, I'm just at that point in my life now of basically 32 whereby I need to start thinking how i can build this world where partner and future children can enter my life at some point...which is why i'm asking all your thoughts on this 8 weeks on 8 off rotation dynamic.

Has anyone else had these thoughts around my age and what advice would you give me in order to relax around it a bit?

These dating apps, are just awful half the time. So shallow, so drawn out.

Met my ex girlfriend in the most rom com way, she pulled me up for a dance and i threw my drink down her by accident. Bought her a new drink, got chatting and the rest was history...i miss those sorts of connections. anyone else feel that way?

I think there are loads of women who have lived a life married to a partner working kirk that and made it work. Not so much if you were a woman.

If you have a "traditional" set up with SAHM, being fully home for 8 weeks at a time could be really lovely. It will appeal to some women a lot, others would run a mile. Not possible, I don't think if the woman also has a job she loves and wants to continue. For example, what would you do if the woman of your dreams needs to be away from home a lot for a job that's important to her?

This is how I met my Dp. In the local pub.

32 is still relatively young! I wouldn't panic, get yourself on some dating apps. Are you able to communicate whilst you're away? I think that helps massively.

I met DP. On his 3rd week home. Then he jetted off (to the very glam North Sea) 5 weeks later. We text everyday, and I was there at the airport to meet him when he arrived home,

Granted things moved pretty fast for us. But when you know you know,

It suits me as I was 8 years post divorce and enjoy my independence! And I still get elements of that when he's away. Then the date nights etc when he's home,

We did try for a baby but as our age it didn't happen, however, if it did. We discussed how it would effect my career because he would be away and therefore I wouldn't be able to work nights as I do now, and we found a way to make it work (switching to days/ he would work up to his next rank which would double his salary and able him to pay for childcare.

When you meet someone it'll work because you want it to

@burntoutnurse Not a bad place to meet people as more likely people are more open in general. Thing is being 32, friends have grown up with kids and wives now, so those out with the friends to meet people at bars is a lot harder for me now.

Thanks that helped, but I do feel 32 is now the age to '' get on with it '' but i also want to find someone who still ticks my boxes and not just settle. I can go on the dating apps but as i'm working away for 12 weeks at a time at the minute until i get the new contract, I find it hard to build anything because I can't meet up with them for a drink until i'm back...so I do feel a little stuck right now!

Is there anything that helps you when he's away? As in things he does or things you do? That would be good to know moving forward, everyone is different but I guess communication and random signs of affection would be a good place to start? Flowers being sent home etc..?

Your last point is SO true, the right relationship isn't brittle...which is why i'm so sad about my now ex walking away after so long.

Thank you this is helping!

I think maybe stop focusing on your partner working part time. If anything someone with a full on job would maybe be more suited as they would understand the situation more. Maybe a doctor, or someone in a similar situation like the armed forces? I think you need someone who is pretty set up in their life so you going away for weeks won’t be such a big event.

I don’t think 32 is particularly old, most of my friends didn’t get married and start having children until mid 30s-early 40s. What’s your job progression like? Will you always be working away, or would you be able to manage teams remotely in the future? If children are important to you, then what’s the parental leave policy like in your job? It could work out well, especially for school holidays as will save a fortune on childcare if you were off for a bulk of it. If you and your partner are good earners, then a live in nanny would be ideal when you are away. It’s certainly possible, my friend had 2 of her children when she was doing a shift rotation like yours, you just need to be good planners!

In terms of meeting people, online dating would be useful as you can be upfront about your shift pattern, for many people it might even be a bonus especially if they have a demanding job too.

Uniform dating used to be a thing. Maybe search that up!

I think the communication helps a lot. I'm an anxious person. So in the beginning not hearing from him meant it was all over. Obviously looking back that was silly!

We moved in together after a year, partially forced for financial reasons as we both had our own property (me rental, him mortgage free, then he inherited a properly so we moved into that as my rent was rocketing and I was genuinely thinking about moving back home with two kids despite working full time night shifts!)

When he's home we try to have date nights, he picks up the slack when he's home with housework and getting my DS's to various sports clubs etc, we generally try and have a weekend away with each other alone, but now we're paying of the wedding we won't be doing that very often,

I won't lie, I do find it hard. Especially when he's away I feel like I'm back doing it all on my own. It's been a particularly tough week this week and him being here would have helped massively, at one point I had an emergency appt for my eldest sons mental health at the same time I had to collect other son from a school football match. Thankfully my brother stepped in!

What I did want to say though, before I met DP. I dated on and off for 7 years, and I found it difficult for someone to accept my situation of working nights and weekends and Christmas and new year and that was the main reason it often didn't work out, I guess most people age 30-50 often have reasons people will find them as a reason not to date you. But the old right person will come alone cliche is true!

He never sends flowers home come to think of it but he down often bring me a present from duty free 😂 and if we go out when he's home he pays because he wants to as he's not here for 6 months of the year!

When he's away I make plans with friends, work overtime etc. keep myself busy!

This is what i am thinking, I am thinking if i'm home every 8 weeks I can pick up all the slack whilst i'm home. If I was with a partner who worked away, wanted to change careers etc I'd support it 100% as I work away on a boat I could fly to wherever she is anyway.

@burntoutnurse that's some really good insights and has really got me thinking. Ultimately I think if i'm going to find a partner moving forward then they are going to have to work with me and my work situation, I keep telling myself that being 30+ now I hope women are more willing to compromise on situations if we begin to like each other.

@Torganer The career progression is good in terms of salary, but the rotation of working away would still be 8 weeks away at a time...it's basically as good as it's going to get now in terms of time home and away...just the salary that increases. kids important to me, but leave is 8 weeks at home regardless...but if the money is good I could always take a year out right to look after the potential child right?...and then look for another job.

Just so torn now, because this working away has cost me two relationships. I guess i just need to have faith that it will work out, I must say I do feel lonely being on my own and having noone to bounce off day to day and that intimacy. I have friends of course, but it's not the same. Especially as they're busy building there own lives and families now :(

Well it’s not at all impossible for you to find a partner working like this, but it obviously reduces your chances.

Give it two years and then if it hasn’t happened think about a change? You do pretty much have to dating apps though, random meetings are lovely stories to tell your grandchildren, but the older you get the less likely that is to happen, and even more so in your case. Dating is a numbers game.

I wouldn’t sell yourself on the fact your partner can work PT. You want someone with a full life and lots of interests so they have things to do when you’re away. Obviously if you have kids the fact they could work PT is helpful, but prior to that you want to max both your earning potential, so if you do later want to career change, you have a cushion. Working the way you do may not work with kids.

When you are away keep communication going. I work away a fair bit and when I did longer stints we had a rule that we communicate every day, even if just a text, and we spoke properly every three days minimum. It’s about proper communication not flowers.

Good luck with it.

Great advice, thank you!

I think i'm just in a state of slight panic, I'm a confident guy, I look after myself and earn good money.
It didn't work out with my Ex because I was working away as mentioned, but did say I would come home but by that point it was to late. Apparently the relationship became toxic, arguments did happen but it was the stress we were both under which was the cause...we both weren't dealing with it well but the love was always there.

These dating apps are so tiresome though, hi how are you? insert upbeat happy response nothing back, or very boring conversation...anyone got any fun, different ideas how to meet women because these dating apps are such hard work!

Happy Friday everyone!