How to have the "we're not working" conversation

[Skylaar]

Without apportioning all the blame onto the other party? Neither my partner or I are happy, that much is obvious, and whilst I would like us to fix things, a large part of whether that'll happen comes down to whether he is willing to change. I have admittedly lost respect for him at times because of his attitude, so this is why I don't want to entirely blame him because I have not always been the bigger person, but my loss of respect is a direct result of him. I don't want to get into a toxic, point scoring debate, I just want to lay down my boundaries from hereon and let him decide what that means for our future.

I has a similar conversation with my now exh. We had split up and I had no interest in reconciliation but I wanted to establish a positive and amicable co-parenting relationship.

What I did was approach the conversation neutrally. Told him we were both capable of saying things that could hurt the other but I had no interest in that. I told him I wanted to talk with him about how things would work going forward. I took all emotion out of it. Used "I feel" statements rather than "You do" statements.

It led to a successful co-parenting relationship and whilst there have been one or two frustrations over the past 10 years, we have never argued nor nit picked at each other. It worked.

If he won't do that, there's not much else you can do. But of you've lost respect for him and he is unlikely to change because this is who he is, is it really worth it?

I has a similar conversation with my now exh. We had split up and I had no interest in reconciliation but I wanted to establish a positive and amicable co-parenting relationship.

What I did was approach the conversation neutrally. Told him we were both capable of saying things that could hurt the other but I had no interest in that. I told him I wanted to talk with him about how things would work going forward. I took all emotion out of it. Used "I feel" statements rather than "You do" statements.

It led to a successful co-parenting relationship and whilst there have been one or two frustrations over the past 10 years, we have never argued nor nit picked at each other. It worked.

If he won't do that, there's not much else you can do. But of you've lost respect for him and he is unlikely to change because this is who he is, is it really worth it?

Do you have children together? Because if not surely there is no "our future"?

We are attracted to each other, we love each other but we make each other miserable when we live together. Our relationship doesn't work. We don't make each other happy. And we've tried it for long enough to know things won't change.

I’m in a similar spot. I like @Sayitaintso33 ‘s phrasing

I also plan to emphasise the end by adding in “DP this is the last time I’m going to do this”, next time we have clash, just to give him the last chance heads up.

OP - he of course may feel the same way about you and it may be that he thinks you need to change

Nonetheless I think you are correct in the thought that an open conversation on how to go forward needs to be had wherever that ends up.