Setback in breakup recovery - how to move on

[Spurn]

I broke up with my ex 10 months ago. Initially I was really relieved to be finally out of the relationship, looked forward to being on my own for a while and set about making improvements to my life. He tried for a while to cling on/worm his way back but when he found out I’d slept with someone else, he spectacularly fell out with me. Shortly after, he did something I will never forgive him for (it would be outing to say what it was but to me, it felt like a terrible betrayal) and he’s been blocked on everything ever since.

I was shocked he could do something like that and even now, I find it hard to believe it really happened. The betrayal completely knocked me for 6 and I was in a terrible place, even being signed off with work for a while. I immediately started therapy and threw myself into living my life. I was in the best place I’ve been for years. I made loads of new friends and did new things. The betrayal still stung but I felt like I was moving on.

A few weeks ago, I went on a date with someone I’d met in the pub. The date wasn’t great but not awful and I declined when he asked to see me again. It made me realise I don’t want to date at the moment (ever? Feeling really bruised by my last relationship). But since then, I’ve felt really low and thinking a lot about my ex and the betrayal.

Then, I received a letter from him. It was basically an ‘I’m over you, wish you well, goodbye’ letter. It’s felt like the early weeks of the betrayal all over again. I so desperately want to reply telling him how insensitive he’s been in sending the letter and a few other choice words. I know the best thing to do is to ignore it though. I’m arguing with him in my head all day and sometimes dream about the betrayal.

I feel like this has dragged me back to ‘that’ place and I don’t know how to move on from it. I know time is a healer but I can’t get past the unfairness in the situation. Has anyone experienced a set back when they’ve more or less already gotten over someone? How do you get back on track please?

First of all, I’m so very sorry for your terrible pain and the betrayal you’ve been suffering. It’s unbearable at times. And I’m sorry you’re going through this.

I don’t consider any of this a setback… I think you’re winning. You’re rid of the bastard! But this is all just part of grief’s bumpy, unpredictable journey. Once I started seeing the end of my marriage like a death, my rage, sorrow, soaring optimism, and every other high and low phase in between, evolved into something I could better understand; a more comprehensible ball of grief, holding all sorts of journeys and phases within its sphere.
There are triggers and reminders that can pull you right back to a dark place. Ride the waves. You will survive. This is a certainty.

Your date showed you that part of your healing is in building a stronger relationship with yourself. Rebuild your self worth and self love. Give all that stuff to you, not another guy. Maybe dates aren’t the answer right now. It’s grabbing at something external and false when really, you just need to cocoon yourself and grow those wings. You will emerge in your own time and you’ll do it for you, nobody else.

I went on a date several months ago and it was extremely triggering and upsetting. Every part of me was like, NOPE. I don’t want this.
But this is the hard stuff that drives us to really, deeply take care of ourselves on a fundamental level. See this as a moment of opportunity to really just think about what you need.

I eventually burned my ex’s letters and binned the incoming ones before opening them. It was cathartic! Also, very smoky! 😆
Self preservation! Close your borders. Seal ‘em tight. You will heal and when you do, the wisdom you’ve gained will be invaluable. May only good blessings rise to the top. 💐