Background, I have two DCs who are adopted, they are birth siblings, DH works very part time from home partly due to our DCs' needs, I work slightly more hours, one DC is in mainstream and one in specialist school, one DC is very challenging.
I have recently developed some mobility needs and was relying on DH a lot, but then I went away for a few weeks with just the easier DC and felt such a sense of relief to have a slightly easier life, but also guilty that I'm not pulling my weight with the other DC.
DH and I are diverging even further apart than we were on DC's needs and I don't feel I can cope, partly because DC sees me as bad cop. If any changes or intervention need to be made I cannot do it because then I am just the nag and the bossy one (and also I am home less due to my job) but DH WILL not do it. I have very gradual plans of things that need to be done (for example, DC needs a very structured bedtime and to get more sleep than is currently happening, but DH just faffs on and on and on and DC goes to bed late and then DH gets cross. If I do bedtime, DC gets irate that I am enforcing structure, asking DC to read the time on the clock (DH refuses to insist that DC looks at the clock, and DC has no sense of time otherwise), asking for the TV to be turned off early, not allowing endless trips to the kitchen for late night snacks etc.
It is possible that DC will go into boarding school for specialist needs in a couple of years. I am thinking of renting a small flat for maybe 2 years very nearby (where other DC could live full time if they wished, or 50/50, and where the DC who doesn't appear to like me any more could come maybe EOW.)
I want to get some other perspective on this though. I don't really know who would be the right person to talk to. And I feel like this would be abandoning my poor DC who didn't choose to be abandoned by their birth family, I know it's not really them talking when they say they hate me, taking my other DC away from their much beloved Daddy etc. etc.
We have no post adoption support or SW, we do have a vicar but obviously the vicar knows both of us, and I have a counsellor but I know it's not really her place to give me advice. I don't have any friends who have been through this kind of thing - either they are single, or happily married, or they have split up because of abuse. We've been married for ages, my DPs think DH is great, and I feel such a failure. But having a child with special needs is such a niche subject, and I don't think any of my friends really get it. GP is useless and just refers me for CBT.