Ex partner thoughts...

[Hals111]

Hi everyone, this is my first post. I wanted to ask your opinions / thoughts.

So I have been separated from my ex for 5 years, I have no feelings for him anymore other than frustration I suppose all these years later.

Im very happily with my current partner, we have been together for three and a half years, we have one gorgeous one year old and another on the way.

My frustration that still haunts me is that my ex cheated throughout our whole relationship, we were together a long time and I even found he cheated on me right from the first weeks we were together. He constantly messaged other women it was the whole relationship. He was very hard work, would never discuss future plans, children, marriage, all he did was take from me. I feel I wasted a lot of years on him.

Anyway, the final straw was when I came home to find another woman in our bed so we split fully. It was traumatic and hurt me deeply. But my issue is, he is still with this person now, they are engaged and expecting their first baby.

My feelings are, why did I deserve to be treated so badly, constantly cheated on, gaslighted, manipulated, All I ever did was love, I try to make sure I look at things from both sides, balance things and see my own part in things and take the blame, but truly I did nothing to him, I would make sure his food was ready after work, look after the house, I worked hard in my job, but all that got me was being treated like a door mat.

Can a person change just like this for someone else? Stop cheating, decide to settle down, get married, have children? I never thought someone could change. Why would they settle for this person when I tried so hard?

I wouldn't go back to him if I was paid, Im VERY happy and with a very good man who loves me to the end of the Earth and looks after me as I do him. Its just something that creeps into my mind on occasion, why was I treated so terribly for so many years prior to this.

Let it go. Honestly, you can’t change it, thinking about it’s not helping you. Just leave it alone.
Also once a cheater, always a cheater, so no he wont have changed. But its no longer your business at all.

The bit that leapt out at me from your post was "I would make sure his food was ready after work, look after the house.... but all that got me was being treated like a door mat." The problem is that there are some people who don't respect you unless you respect yourself. WHY did you cook his meals etc? It sounds like he treated you poorly but also that you let him? I'm not saying it was your fault - he's the arsehole here. But if you're asking what you could have done differently then that's what I'd point to.

He's probably doing the same to her, it's not you, it's him. She is likely to end up a single parent or down-trodden. Be glad you didn't tie yourself to him with a DC and have a lovely DP. She knew what the situation was, so command's no sympathy. Shame for the DC though.

I think you just have to accept that that is the way it is sometimes.

It could be any number of things. He could be still cheating, he might have changed, or because his current partner knows he cheated she keeps him in check.

I have a friend and her ex is currently dating again. He was a lazy home slob who wouldn’t go anywhere with her. Now he is dressing well and going here there and everywhere. She doesn’t want him back but is angry that he’s now doing exactly what she wanted to do when she was married to him.

Things aren’t always equal in a relationship, if one person has a stronger personality they can tend to dominate their partner and be the one to call the shots (and equally do the shitty things). Sad to say, I think sometimes someone can be too nice and that gets taken advantage of.

Perhaps your ex’s new partner gives him a hard time and so his behaviour has improved.

He constantly messaged other women it was the whole relationship. He was very hard work, would never discuss future plans, children, marriage, all he did was take from me. I feel I wasted a lot of years on him.

I think when you tolerate/forgive a lot of bad behaviour from someone, often they don't appreciate it or feel grateful for the chances, instead it can make them worse: taking you for granted, devaluing you, even coming to despise you. From their point of view, what's the incentive to stop cheating, if they're confident their partner will stick with them anyway?

Whereas if you have take-no-shit type of boundaries, they respect you more.

Can a serial cheater become a faithful partner to someone else? No idea - how can anyone but that person know? From outward appearances. they might be - but how long it lasts or whether they're just better at concealing it or whether they really have changed, is kind of unknowable.

It wasn't your fault OP. I'm sorry but all this "you're too nice" and perhaps his new partner "keeps him in check" to my mind sounds like putting the blame on you which is absolute nonsense.
Cheaters cheat because of issues with themselves, not because a partner is "too nice" or any other blaming nonsense.
I know plenty of people who treat their partners well but aren't taken advantage of and cheated on.
He may have changed now, become more mature or more self reflective which means his new relationship is a different one. Or perhaps history will repeat itself.
Whatever, one thing is for sure, his cheating was his responsibility and his alone. Not yours.
It's great you are in a good place now. Enjoy your life away from him.

Just to say further - it's not that I think if you'd had better boundaries with him he would have changed behaviour and treated you better - not at all, but you would have split up sooner.

Thank you all so much, really insightful and good responses that did help what’s been going round my head. Great response from my first post thank you all :)

Honestly people who behave like your ex are going to do that whether you out dinner on the table or not.

They have serious issues. I bet his behaviour has not changed one iota unless he's had stacks of therapy.

And I get why you think, "Why me? What the hell did I do to deserve that treatment?"

The answer is you did nothing. Nobody deserves that distress, trauma and betrayal. There are some really shitty people about who will justify any awful behaviour. And unfortunately the more normal among us come into contact with those people and get hurt.

Ignore the posts that say anything that suggests you and your behaviour is to blame.

But you didn't 'deserve to be treated badly'. Nothing you did 'made him treat you badly. You can't 'manage' or manipulate someone into being a good or bad person. They are who they are.

Sorry, sent too soon!

But you didn't 'deserve to be treated badly'. Nothing you did 'made' him treat you badly. You can't 'manage' or manipulate someone into being a good or bad person. They are who they are because that's who they are - not because you failed to play the game correctly and so 'deserved' to be treated badly.

Ok, so he's still with the OW and they're engaged etc. Do you honestly think he's changed? That she knows some magic trick that you didn't that has turned him into a good person and amazing partner? Or do you think he treats her pretty much as he treated you, it's just that she's more willing to put up with it? Which do you think is more likely?

You were never the problem OP. He was/is. I doubt he's changed. Sounds like new partner just has much lower standards.