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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What do you do when your husband.....

1 reply

despondentatwork · 04/10/2023 15:39

is repeatedly unreliable?? Has decided to paint the kitchen this week. No discussion (it's something that's needed done for years-along with other jobs I'd have prioritised first TBH). This is fairly typical.
So-has moved all the furniture, hired a scaffold and created merry mayhem. When he gets ideas like this, ordinary life stops. The little I can rely on him to do becomes nil. So; he got up out of bed yesterday morning & went straight to The Job. I did everything else (4 kids/cats/dogs/breakfasts/dishes). I left emptying the dishwasher and he didn't even do that. Our 11 yo did it in the hour she had after school before her hobby. Our daughter sorted dinner.
Got up this morning and discovered he hadn't locked the back door (he hadn't checked the front door earlier in the week & it was unlocked overnight). Hadn't bothered putting the cats in-they're always put into a certain room overnight. He just didn't do it.
Now I've just had a call from school to ask who's collecting our son? As they're 40 mins late & he's not answering his phone.
Took me ages to get him and he STILL hadn't realised by then he'd not picked him up.
I'm at the end of my tether. I've tolerated this all our married lives-worked around the kids so I didn't have to deal with him forgetting. With discussion & agreement I've taken on a very difficult stressful professional training programme which is career enhancing and I love and frankly have done well to get access to. But I feel so unsupported with 4 kids who all have busy school lives & hobbies & I do ALL of the life admin around that. He puts work before EVERYTHING else in our lives. Always has-it was his hobby & now he's self employed in that area. I just don't want to spend the next 20+ years feeling as resentful asI have done for years. It's unhealthy.

OP posts:
Fluffyfluffkins · 06/11/2023 06:14

Sorry to hear you're having so little support.

I would list all the daily chores that need doing (and list the weekly and monthly, etc).

Put a tick beside all the jobs that you do ,put another mark where your daughter has done the chores and another mark.to indicate his contributions

Once he's seen the workload he's been shirking laid out in black and white, tell him that from now on it will be shared between you both ,and not shouldered by you alone.

Depending on the level of his incompetence (genuine incompetence Vs the very convenient feigned variety) perhaps it's better for you to assign him his duties and get his word upon fulfilling them.

If he doesn't fulfill them, then you award yourself (generous) payment for doing his tasks from your joint account or whatever you'd pay tradesmen,etc with.

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