money and lying

[mrnichols]

my wife is in charge of all of our finances, she says we are broke. I have a disabling injury that which qualifies me for medical retirement .she says we can't afford for me to retire. she hasn't had a paying job for 35 years. but I just found out that she has her own bank account in her name only with 20,000 dollars in it .I love her so much, but I don't know what to do.

20k isnt a lot. She should have been honest with you though. How old are you and do you have kids together?

That isn't enough to sustain a retirement. What kind of pensions have you and your wife got in place? Are you able to access them now?

Sounds like you need to get access and get things like your pension statements etc. nothing stopping you from requesting them now. Get access to your joint account too

I would want to understand where that money has come from. And get on top of your finances too.

This all sounds really suspicious, OP - where has she accumulated £20k from if she hasn’t worked for years? And how do you know about it?
You need to insist on seeing all accounts and work out a budget together - there’s no good reason for her to have control of everything, or refuse you knowledge of joint finances unless she is being financially abusive.

I am 60 years old my wife is 59 and we have 9 kids and married 38 years. I have worked 2 full time jobs to support my family. my wife is the most precious thing I have. but she has been distant for at least 18 months. if I want sex she will let me but she will not participate. like she is dead. it's no fun .I think she is just ",passing time " I love her so much but I don't know what to do.

Well done on the 9 kids!! 😁.
The lack of sex or affectionate sex could be your wife's age, after effect of menopause. How old are your kids?. any still at home ? X

9 kids 38 years old to 24 years old. they have all grown up and moved on as productive adults. she told me she is lonely and bored (= Divorce in my mind) she says I don't spend enough time with her (we have date night 1 day a week) my 2nd job is running a repair shop in our backyard .I'm home everyday after work and go work in my garage. she won't come out to visit with me. but complains I don't spend enough time with her.

Does she have any hobbies/interests? Do you think it would help if you both get a hobbie together? Dancing? Theatre? Anything really. Has she been like this since the last child moved out? It could be empty nest syndrome. 9 kids then, pufff , all gone. She does sound lonely. So are you. Can you talk with her at the date night? Suggest starting a hobbie outside the home? Join the gym together?
The savings issue does need to be raised though. Xx

9 kids and your moaning that she hasn’t worked?! She’s sensible to have some savings seeing as she won’t have a pension - is this something you’ve ever considered? She absolutely should have that money, but I’d also want to know where it came from.

What kind of government support would you get in your country if you retired? Is it a realistic amount? She does sound like she’s checked out, but if you want things to work, have you put much effort into making her feel special, listened to and thought of? Maybe bringing a little romance back might help her feel like there’s something worth saving?

In the UK it would be very difficult for any parent to use childcare as an excuse not to work after 5 years old, certainly not after they start secondary. But with 9 of them I can see why she was needed at home, however this was a family decision I assume, so there is some joint responsibility here.

However, your youngest became am adult 6 years ago, and as the others became more independent and moved out, surely she would have been expected to work outside the home?

If you are medically able to retire but are still working, why isn't she out at work?

You need transparency in your joint finances and she needs to work if things are that dire.

If you divorce she will certainly be expected to work!

She's salted away that money (that you earned) as her running away fund.

She needs to give you half of it. Retire if you're medically unfit and get a divorce.

just to be clear, my wife is entitled to 60% of my pensions (yes I have 2) if I passed away ,= 3,5,000 a month and all my l Social security benefits=3,500 a month =7,000 so as you can see, she will be well covered +life insurance 200,000 . so Naunet we own our home outright. single women 7,000 a month income +200,000 bonus I have made sure she is well covered.