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Original poster

Therapy speak in a friendship

24 replies

HuntForRedOctober · 04/10/2023 07:42

I’m sure I’ve been very guilty in the past of venting too often to a friend.

She has been in a new relationship (partner is a therapist) for a few years now and I think her partner might have given her tips to handle conversations where she feels she is being leant on too much.

The pattern I’ve noticed over the past couple of years has been:

Not responding to negative conversation topics
Changing the topic to something completely different
”Nipping it in the bud” by immediately presenting a solution to the problem
Trying to change the tone by suggesting radical empathy for any person being talked about

It’s not leading to great conversations. I feel like a golden retriever at training school and have to stay positive at all times. Quite often solutions are being presented to problems that don’t even exist.

I completely support any person’s right not to be brought down by me being negative.

But I didn’t have anyone to talk to about noticing this pattern. So I just wanted to share it here. I’m older now and will always work very hard not to vent on friends. So I would appreciate not being jumped on about that. Thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

HuntForRedOctober · 04/10/2023 07:45

I guess I have been wondering for some time now whether she’s trying to fade me out. But she still initiates contact so she must be getting something out of the friendship.

OP posts:

whyareywelikethis · 04/10/2023 07:48

I'm a therapist and what you describe isn't therapy speak.

whyareywelikethis · 04/10/2023 07:49

I have a friend who does this (to everyone) It's called toxic positivity and it feels like a lack of empathy when you're on the receiving end of it.

I think the important thing is that you pick up on her cues that she isn't interested in supporting you emotionally and focus on more fulfilling relationships. Keep her for chit chat and coffee.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 04/10/2023 07:50

I’m not a therapist and I do all of that quite naturally - can’t help myself trying to offer solutions, look at the other side etc. I do realise it’s not always what people want so I try to stop myself. I guess it’s what you do as a parent a lot.

HernesEgg · 04/10/2023 07:56

I have a few friends who work in various therapies, and I can’t say any of our conversations operate like that. Especially not the ‘solutions’ — anyone with basic emotional intelligence knows you’re not looking for ‘answers’ when you vent about something. It does sound as if your conversational styles are mismatched — perhaps you are relentlessly negative n your venting in ways you don’t realise? She does sound like someone using techniques to ‘manage’ something.

PurpleRadish · 04/10/2023 07:59

Fade her!!!

RipePeach · 04/10/2023 07:59

I'm also a therapist and this is the complete opposite of therapy speak! I'd say it's avoidant - could you gently challenge her perhaps?

Parlourgames · 04/10/2023 08:04

Well it doesn’t sound like the conversation you are offering is one that many people would enjoy if it is (in your own words) negative, problem focussed and you talk about other people.

Therapists don’t offer solutions so sounds like she’s just come up with her own techniques to get the conversation on to more enjoyable grounds.

it would be better to examine your own conversation rather than your friend’s response.

KirstenBlest · 04/10/2023 08:08

I do all of the things in the OP and I'm not a therapist. I do it because I don't want to listen to someone complaining or bitching.

Pizzalover46 · 04/10/2023 08:11

It sounds like you want something more/different out of the friendship than her, and you aren't really compatible.

You want to be able vent sometimes/a lot

She doesn't want to hear about any negativity

She isn't in the wrong for not wanting to accept what you would like to talk/vent about.

Can you not vent to other friends and keep things lighthearted with her?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/10/2023 08:12

Are you close enough to say "Anna, you sound like a chat bot! It's cramping my grumbling style!"?

NutellaEllaElla · 04/10/2023 08:16

I'm a therapist and none of that is therapy speak. However, I recognise some of that in myself in my own friendship where I am sick of hearing only negative stuff. It is miserable and draining.

GodDammitCecil · 04/10/2023 08:16

I think her partner might have given her tips to handle conversations where she feels she is being leant on too much.

If this has even occurred to you, then you are definitely leaning on her too much!

There is one person in my circle who grumbles and always sees the negative.

She’s the only one I don’t see one-on-one. Far too
much hard work.

GodDammitCecil · 04/10/2023 08:17

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/10/2023 08:12

Are you close enough to say "Anna, you sound like a chat bot! It's cramping my grumbling style!"?

‘Cramping your grumbling style’…? Why would anyone not do that…………..?

Seaoftroubles · 04/10/2023 08:19

It sounds like a clash of communication styles. Some people can't cope with others expressing their worries and concerns and only want to talk about positive, solution focused topics. Maybe keep her for that kind of superficial chat and go to other friends for mutual venting or deeper concerns.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/10/2023 08:20

GodDammitCecil · 04/10/2023 08:17

‘Cramping your grumbling style’…? Why would anyone not do that…………..?

Show quote history

At least this issue would be out in the open

Original poster

HuntForRedOctober · 04/10/2023 08:22

I do take on board that people think I must have been moaning my head off in recent times and I really haven’t been because I picked up on this positivity conversation pattern a long time ago and it’s become our new status quo. Where it really started to get me down was where I would make a bland comment about something neutral and she would ask me why I had a problem with it and how I could fix it. I commented on something that was pretty and delightful and got asked whether I needed to see a doctor because this thing was bothering me so much.

I agree, it sounds like we want different things out of the friendship. I think it’s a symptom of different life stages and drifting apart as well.

I know from experience that if you are only ever positive with others, you never give them the chance to know you and eventually that causes issues in itself.

OP posts:

JellyGrownUps · 04/10/2023 08:22

Lots of people are struggling to keep their heads above water and easily get brought down by others complaining or moaning.

lliij8 · 04/10/2023 08:35

Maybe talk about more interesting stuff? Then this shouldn't be a problem.

You say you've made neutral/positive comments about things and she's still reacted badly. Maybe your past behaviour has made her see you as someone who is constantly negative – even if you're no longer like that. (I don't mean to sound critical – it's impressive that you've recognised this trait in yourself and you're trying hard to shake it off.)

DyslexicPoster · 04/10/2023 08:50

Do you stop your conversation and take the topic back to her? Sometimes I have to mentally keep doing this. So have a rant ( mine are normally situation based I don't like to moan about specific people). Then when it's all out, my friend has replied I try to take conversation back to them.

Or if your getting cheesed off with her offering solutions to everything just change the topic back to her.

Bottom line is she isn't going to offer what she hasn't got

whyareywelikethis · 04/10/2023 11:16

I like honest and close relationships so if a friend tells me something difficult in their lives I listen, make sure they feel heard and express empathy.

Other people don't like to connect in this way and prefer more superficial friendships and that's ok. I just avoid those people and they avoid me 😬

I think you can use this knowledge to help you work out which friendships are important to you and which aren't, op.

alwaysalways · 04/10/2023 11:22

HuntForRedOctober · 04/10/2023 08:22

I agree, it sounds like we want different things out of the friendship. I think it’s a symptom of different life stages and drifting apart as well.

I know from experience that if you are only ever positive with others, you never give them the chance to know you and eventually that causes issues in itself.

I have been through exactly the same experience as you @HuntForRedOctober with a female relative after she had had a few sessions with a therapist.
It was more than frustrating for me, it has also been incredibly upsetting as it has completely changed our relationship.
I have noticed that it hasn't stopped her from speaking to me when she has been upset by another person or just simply wants a rant. The difference is, is that when she has got it off her chest, she will end the conversation with a 'sorry to rant' and will then use that as a marker for the conversation to move on. It allows me no space whatsoever to engage with her and I am simply not 'allowed' (that is the way it feels) to ever raise anything which has even slightly concerned or upset me.
Our conversations have become sterile and banal and I have to watch what I say all the time. It's exhausting and I actually mourn the loss of her.

PaintedEgg · 04/10/2023 11:41

it's not a therapy speak - it's simply cutting you off conversations she doesn't want to have

there is no right or wrong approach here. Some people love a good, old rant...some people hate it.

it may be that you are just drifting apart and she is simply not at all interested in what you have to say - as sad as it is, its probably a sign to look for other friends

BlanketyB · 04/10/2023 16:50

But she still initiates contact so she must be getting something out of the friendship.

Are you still getting something out of the friendship though?

She sounds tedious, or worse, with her turning your positive and neutral comments into something to beat you with. You're getting into walking on eggshells territory with her.

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