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Relationships

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Original poster

Do you see your siblings without your parents?

24 replies

AnneNotEmily · 04/10/2023 06:54

So for background my DF died about 10 years ago and DM has been on her own ever since. My DB lives about 3 hours away from us (DM and I live in different towns about an hour apart). My DB and I get on but we’re not that close and I think part of the reason is our DM. If DB and I try and do something together she’ll get so upset that we’re leaving her out that we rarely organise anything anymore. We only see each other if he’s staying at her house at which point I’ll usually go over for the day.

I don’t know if this is normal. Do other families make sure that if they meet up it is always with everyone so no one gets left out? I get on fine with DM but having her there all the time massively changes the dynamic and as I get older I feel like I’m starting to miss out on a sibling relationship.

OP posts:

FrenchandSaunders · 04/10/2023 06:54

Don’t tell her!
my adult DDs do stuff without me, I think it’s lovely.

DustyLee123 · 04/10/2023 06:56

You should see him and not tell her.
My DF won’t let my siblings visit him while I’m there, and vice versa, as he likes to have all the attention on him, not us talking to each other.

SpaceChocolatel · 04/10/2023 06:56

Yes.

ShippingNews · 04/10/2023 06:57

Why do you tell her ? Just talk to him and meet up if you feel like it. No need to tell her everything !

Original poster

AnneNotEmily · 04/10/2023 06:59

If we lived closer I wouldn’t tell her but as anything we do usually has to be an overnight thing it’s a bit harder to omit. Plus the DC would definitely mention it!

OP posts:

PerfectMatch · 04/10/2023 07:01

No. That's our choice though - nothing to do with leaving anyone out. We're not particularly close.

RockAndRollerskate · 04/10/2023 07:02

I have a similar issue. We all live within one hour of each other and we never see each other without DM unless we arrange for when she’s away.

Its a different dynamic without her there and I’d like to do both without the guilt.

Ironically she complains her own DM does this and lies to her about meeting up.

ExtraOnions · 04/10/2023 07:03

Yep.

i see my siblings a lot, football, theatre, drinks nights. Mum gets an invite to the “bigger things” (birthdays, Christmas etc). Other stuff, just the sibs

Zola1 · 04/10/2023 07:04

Yes my sister is my best friend so we see each other regularly. Depending on what the plan is sometimes we invite our mum

theduchessofspork · 04/10/2023 07:06

No it’s not normal!

Of course you should see your brother separately as well as with your mum. She’s being totally unreasonable - just don’t tell her.

SmurfCody · 04/10/2023 07:08

My siblings and I are all in our 30s and see each other regularly, both at our parents house and at our own houses (without our parents parents). I find it sad that people get jealous of their children's relationships with each other. My DM loves hearing about us 'kids' meeting up and spending time together. I have 2 DC of my own, both still very young, but I hope that they have a close relationship and choose to spend time together, independently of me and their DF when they're older.

theduchessofspork · 04/10/2023 07:09

AnneNotEmily · 04/10/2023 06:59

If we lived closer I wouldn’t tell her but as anything we do usually has to be an overnight thing it’s a bit harder to omit. Plus the DC would definitely mention it!

Well then just arrange it and when she moans about it, tell her it’s normal and she’s being daft, and just shut down any further moaning.

one day she will be dead and you and your bro will be the family, so don’t let your relationship slide because she’s acting like a toddler.

SmurfCody · 04/10/2023 07:13

Without our parents present

Lengokengo · 04/10/2023 07:15

I used to when I was single, maybe once a year. I haven’t lived near to siblings since 8 ( sister) and 14 (brother) as they moved out when I was a child. We are not close. Now that I have kids and live abroad, it’s not practical.

i suspect even if we lived in the same country/ my kids left home, I would probably not really see them by themselves. They both also married people that I vaguely like, but wouldn’t particularly choose to spend time with.

Epidote · 04/10/2023 07:18

Yes, I do and talk to them things I don't talk to my parents.

letspopthekettleon · 04/10/2023 07:18

AnneNotEmily · 04/10/2023 06:54

I have this problem with my mum, I think it's because she likes to be the centre of attention. I have just started realising this more and more and am now trying to form a better relationship with my sibling by seeing them too, not always with DM.

Octavia64 · 04/10/2023 07:19

No but he does live in New Zealand so when he's in the U.K. he sees us all at once.

Khvdrt · 04/10/2023 07:20

Yes I see my sister all the time, we all meet up every so often but not as often as I see my sister ; my mum is very happy that me and my sister are so close. I hope for that closeness for my own DC. It’s sad that your mum reacts like that.

RockAndRollerskate · 04/10/2023 07:25

Do you have the issue it’s because they’re on their own and always “free”.

part of our issue is that if you’re going somewhere there’s upset as they’re on their own

Mydustymonstera · 04/10/2023 07:28

God I get this and it drives me nuts. I feel awfully guilty about ‘leaving mum out’ but we need time together as sibs to enjoy our own relationships. Plus she dominates any interaction when she is there.
this thread has made me feel more strongly that we do need to go ahead and have time together

Bertiesmum3 · 04/10/2023 07:33

I love spending time with all of my adult children all of us together, I also like them spending time together without me, I occasionally ask them all if they fancy going somewhere together for something to eat when we’re all off work on the same day
I certainly don’t get upset if they plan something without me

Original poster

AnneNotEmily · 04/10/2023 07:35

I look at my DC who are so close and I just hope that they stay that way and always have the other one to lean on. I can’t imagine always trying to push into their relationship. My aunt can be similar (but is far worse!)with my cousins and DM rolls her eyes at her but can’t see that she’s the same.

DB and I were hoping to meet up next month and it’s for quite a big reason. He doesn’t want me to mention it but I feel like she should be invited on this occasion. Her behaviour has created this situation

OP posts:

TheBirdintheCave · 04/10/2023 07:37

Brother and I both moved to London for work and ended up living 10 mins from each other in Sussex. We spend loads of time together and go on family holidays with our SOs and kids :)

Mum and dad are up north still so we see them when we can but that's usually separately.

DynamicK · 04/10/2023 07:39

Yes, we even go on holiday together.
If we meet at my mums, we might pop out together.
We'll go to each other's houses.
We'll also go to my mums without each other too.

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