The kids are ruining it :-(

[SoreThroat]

I have 2 children to a previous relationship. My eldest (9) is a good kid...I never have any bother from him. My youngest (7) is a handful, suspected ADHD, under observation by Education Psycologist, always in trouble at school AND at home AND at out of school clubs...he's just so, so hyper he is almost uncontrollable sometimes.

My partner has 2 children too, same as mine, an older one (8) who is good as gold and the younger one (6) who is a nightmare, runs around like a nutter, always up to something, always winding people up, always in trouble at school AND at home etc etc...

Thing is both our youngest sons get on like a house on fire (like you would expect) but they're completely uncontrollable together, their behaviour is a million times worse when they're together, things get broke, people end up upset, people start shouting...if those two get together, all hell breaks loose. Its especially frustrating because on the odd occasion that one of them is being good/quiet the other one will automatically set them off with something.

Me and partner want to move in together but we simply cannot cope with the kids when they're together. This means that we're unlikely to move our relationship foward which makes me wonder if we should just end it completely I don't want a "weekend partner".

I feel so upset about it all, so angry at DS, angry at his DS, bitter about the whole situation which is just making me resent my son. DP feels the same, he wants me to move in with him but we can't expect the kids to live together, its too much for everyone.

What to do?

I have no idea how to help you but sending you good thoughts.

I'm sure lots of people will have great advice for you x

Could you perhaps also say that your new relationships is ruining things for your respective children?

abigaillockhart, thanks

OrmIrian, how? they're happy as larry when they get together.

My son and my neice can be a bit like this, very over excited. I find the more time they spend together the better they are, they get past it. Dare you risk a holiday just to see what a lot of time together is like?

Sorry. I guess that 'ruining it' was the wrong word. I just got a bit upset that you said you were angry with the children because they were messing up your relationship. It seems to me that if it's a relationship between 2 families, it has to suit everyone.

But I agree with chubbleigh. It may calm down over time.

Would agree with Chubbleigh - My DS and his cousin are MAD together. We went on holiday for a week and they were great. I think that they new they had loads of time together so didn't try to cram it all in. Having said that, they had mad half hours but DS does that on his own.

Maybe try a weekend somewhere like Center Parcs that is very active.

Also, I know this might sound a bit oddball, but try to change your language when describing them. We always said DS was 'wild' meant in an affectionate way but not if that makes any sense. I met a clairvoyant who told me to stop as they will fulfill what you say about them. We changed the phrase to lively or 'full of fun' and, I swear, the behaviour changed.

Now I'm not comparing this to ADHD so please excuse my aimless waffle but you might find lots of 'oh you two play so nicely together' helps. (or not - sorry)

i agree with the weekend away together. see if they settle down.

I don't have any experience with merging two familes, but I CAN help with some other parts of your post.

I have a son with ADHD - he's 7 too and he used to be just like you described. I used to be FIRMLY against medication for, but after trying all of the behavioural methods and tearing my hair out ... I gave in and put him on meds. It took a while to find the right dose / medication, but I tell you, having seen the results and seeing what a much calmer and happier child he has been since he's been medicated, I can honestly say it was the best decision in the world! He's doing much better at school and the whole family is less stressed! My son also has Aspergers (on the autism spectrum) so he is mega hard work!!

Have you done much about getting him to a doctor? You say suspected ADHD so it is well worth having it checked out. There are billions of forms to fill in and the school will have to fill one in too, but if you can get a firm diagnosis it will be a great start for you and your new combined family.

Life is hard isn't it?

Unfortunately, kids are for life - not just for Christmas. They can be a pain and they can and often do "spoil things" but that's life. Until they're old enough to look after themselves independently all children deserve to have the full and undivided attention of their parents and to feel that they are at the very top of their list of priorities. To me this is part of the unwritten contract you sign when you decide to embark on a pregnancy (if planned) or to continue with one (if unplanned).

Relationships with men/women come and go - a mothers relationship with her dependent child/ren should be the most importnant relationship she has in her life.

Maybe you should focus more on your problem child and try to address why he/she is a problem? Maybe your partner should do likewise with his too.

There will be time for the two of you to be together. If you both care enough about your children and each otehr you will find a way to make it work for all of you. Your partner would not be worth having in my book if he would be prepared to end your relationship because he couldn't move in with you.

Sorry if my post doesn't offer anything particularly constructive about how you can "move things on with your partner" but I feel very, very strongly about this, for personal reasons.

Spend time nurturing your precious children -they will be grown up in the blink of an eye.

There will be time for your relationship but don't let that be to the detriment of them.

Look on the positive side, at least you both have a slightly more challenging child each, imagine if it was just one of you and the problems that would cause.
As you are in teh same boat, you can understand each other and work together. Also they are 7/8, and not 3/4 which means hopefully they'll be growing up and probably going off on their own at some point in the future years taking the pressure off you a little.
I'd just look at the positives

Gunnerbean

That is one of the most sensible posts I've read in a very long time.

I take my hat off

To be honest they probably see it as a treat when they are together, if you moved in together then they would probably act more 'normaly' (whatever that is!).
I wouldn't let it put me off, they won't be able to sustain it (honest )

Even if your DS turns out to have ADHD, try to avoid labelling your children as 'the good kid' and 'the other one'...I'm aware it's hard when your kid is a challenge but this might add to the problem. I think kids pick up on this type of thing.
Until you get your youngest's behaviour settled, I doubt that a big upheaval would help him much...it might be a good idea to kind of set a target, time-wise , to reassess the situation and spend the meantime looking into coping strategies and poss diagnosis etc.
Good luck.

How long have you been with your partner?

Yeah gunnerbean, I think that's what I meant .

Gunnerbean you have put so eloquently (sp?) exactly what I was thinking. My mum died when I was very young and Dad got married again really quickly. All they cared about was their own happiness and the day would moved out couldn't have come quickly enough. I've always said that my kids would come first and any issues surrounding them would take priority over any relationship. ST Could you not have a part-time relationship until the kids issues have been sorted and everyone feels more comfortable. It could be that the kids are trying to control the situation because they feel threatened.
I remember what it was like to live in a chaotic household with everyone arguing over trivial things, and it is not nice. I think if you care enough about each other you will make it work.