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Original poster

If no trust but still love can it work?

15 replies

crazyscottsmum · 03/10/2023 23:10

I love my partner with all my heart, I've always had trust issues mental illness and mentally and physically abused so never ever trusted a guy 100%
But there has been a few things silly wee lies that then send me in to over thinking and completely analysing everything!!
If was my friend saying she didn't trust her man a know and be saying if no trust then no rship. But can trust be gained? Is it just me and my mind and thought and should try out it aside? Or is it a gut feeling? Has anyone ever had lack of trust then there partner gained it? Or try then split?

OP posts:
Orio2023 · 03/10/2023 23:12

Depends what the lies were.

anon0007 · 03/10/2023 23:12

No. There will always be doubts.

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 03/10/2023 23:13

.

parietal · 03/10/2023 23:15

trust is a 2 way thing - there could be no trust because you find it hard to trust people (even people who are 100% trustworthy) or there could be no trust because he is not trustworthy.

none of us can tell you which is the case. but do look at your past pattern of friendships and relationships to see if part of the problem is that you find it hard to trust. if your trust has been badly broken, especially at a young age, it is very hard to learn to trust again. but if you want to do that, you can.

Original poster
crazyscottsmum · 03/10/2023 23:36

There has been a few issues. He's disappeared a few times on a bender like just a blow out.. my main fear (suffer from BPD ) is fear of abandonment so he's done it 3 times in 4 and a half years. He promises it's nothing to do with a girl just needs the blow out and let of steam (he also suffered with pdsd and also lost his dad earlier this year. Now I understand needing a blow out or when life gets to much I totally get that... but no contact, no calls, no nothing to anyone for like 2 days. Then he sobers up and it's like he realises how much stress/worry he's put me in as like I said my main thing is fear of abandonment (if anyone understands BPD then will know exactly how hard it is to cope with) but when your fear becomes real. I love him and he has had a hard life, losing a parent etc all that 2 but we have a baby together and it makes me I'll, then my wall goes up... and he's amazingly and makes my wall come down and trust to come back a little by little that wouldn't do it again then he does. I don't want to break up our family and I love him with all my heart but I think it's going to end up bad for both our mental health's.

OP posts:
Weatherwax13 · 03/10/2023 23:57

Having been through similar I can tell you that this bloke is going to smash your mental health to bits. And you know that really. I know what it's like to cling to the "good bits" and desperately hope he'll change.
But it's hugely unlikely and you don't deserve to live on tenterhooks like this. Please put your mental health first before he does a complete number on you love.

RantyAnty · 04/10/2023 00:11

So you're saying he drinks a lot or is it a drug bender?

Original poster
crazyscottsmum · 04/10/2023 00:50

He doesn't drink any other time, it's not drugs as I wouldn't deal with that. He only ever really drinks when He goes on the bender, it's like he holds in all his emotions and he has pdst and it builds up and he goes on a bender to numb it. Not saying that's an excuse as I know deep down he needs help to deal with his past. But each time it puts me through hell but I can't fold as I have baby to look after even tho I want to just crumble

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 04/10/2023 00:50

On the face of it 3 benders in 4 1/2 years doesn't seem a lot, but then most people with a family don't go on benders at all.
Also, what do the benders intail? Do you normally live together and he goes awol without saying anything (bad form and a sack-offable offence) or do you not live together and you just don't hear from him? Does he not even manage to send a text prior, telling you what he's about to do?
He'd be better off spending the time in between events doing his best for you, by all means, but convincing you that he won't do it again is pointless, you both know it will. So instead of making false promises he should apologise but its who he is and its going to occasionally happen. Then it's up to you to decide if you can live with his yearly benders or not.

Original poster
crazyscottsmum · 04/10/2023 00:51

Weatherwax13 · 03/10/2023 23:57

Having been through similar I can tell you that this bloke is going to smash your mental health to bits. And you know that really. I know what it's like to cling to the "good bits" and desperately hope he'll change.
But it's hugely unlikely and you don't deserve to live on tenterhooks like this. Please put your mental health first before he does a complete number on you love.

I know your right deep down.. but how do I do it when there is so much love? When he's not on a bender he's the most amazing guy you could ask for. But it's like each time it breaks away at me and I struggle x

OP posts:
Original poster
crazyscottsmum · 04/10/2023 01:10

Opentooffers · 04/10/2023 00:50

On the face of it 3 benders in 4 1/2 years doesn't seem a lot, but then most people with a family don't go on benders at all.
Also, what do the benders intail? Do you normally live together and he goes awol without saying anything (bad form and a sack-offable offence) or do you not live together and you just don't hear from him? Does he not even manage to send a text prior, telling you what he's about to do?
He'd be better off spending the time in between events doing his best for you, by all means, but convincing you that he won't do it again is pointless, you both know it will. So instead of making false promises he should apologise but its who he is and its going to occasionally happen. Then it's up to you to decide if you can live with his yearly benders or not.

No we live together, I have two young teens and then a 15month old baby. We all love together, I go to bed and wake up and he's gone... no calls... no texts... nothing to no one not me or his family he just disappears then a day or 2/3 later he messages as sobered up and can't believe what he's put me through etc I have no problem with him having a drink, or going out etc not as if I ever stop him but it's the just up and disappearoand no contact. If he just contacted me and explained he is struggling etc I would try help but the no contact at all kills me as my head does over time and I think every scenario

OP posts:
Original poster
crazyscottsmum · 04/10/2023 01:13

Opentooffers · 04/10/2023 00:50

On the face of it 3 benders in 4 1/2 years doesn't seem a lot, but then most people with a family don't go on benders at all.
Also, what do the benders intail? Do you normally live together and he goes awol without saying anything (bad form and a sack-offable offence) or do you not live together and you just don't hear from him? Does he not even manage to send a text prior, telling you what he's about to do?
He'd be better off spending the time in between events doing his best for you, by all means, but convincing you that he won't do it again is pointless, you both know it will. So instead of making false promises he should apologise but its who he is and its going to occasionally happen. Then it's up to you to decide if you can live with his yearly benders or not.

If was just a drink or out with mates Iam not the evil queen lol a know ppl need time out etc but it's how he does it that hurts me. Not the actually having a drink a mean, we all like a night out etc but he disappeares, no one sees or hears from him, Friends family etc all out looking (because of pdsd) incase did actually do something to himself so then am left with no co text stressed, worried, but still have to deal with kids obviously and control my own mental health.

OP posts:
Weatherwax13 · 04/10/2023 01:31

I can't offer you a solution. Well, I can: it's end the relationship. But I'm going through such a similar situation myself so I'd be a hypocrite if I made out it's that easy. I'm going through heaps of therapy to get myself to the right place to be able to walk away, so my best suggestion is try to get some counselling.

RantyAnty · 04/10/2023 04:24

So you're saying he never has a night out, after work drinks, at a birthday, new years, or a few on the weekend except for those 3 times in 4 years?

Original poster
crazyscottsmum · 04/10/2023 11:08

RantyAnty · 04/10/2023 04:24

So you're saying he never has a night out, after work drinks, at a birthday, new years, or a few on the weekend except for those 3 times in 4 years?

When he's out we usually go out today, or if his bday we have a weekend away or a night with friends etc but that's not exactly a lot, or special occasions. But not like he drinks every week or every month is what a mean. He's not a drinker like some ppl do after work or every weekend, he's rather go do stuff with kids than drink x

OP posts:
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