Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Should I contact exs family?

15 replies

LouH21 · 03/10/2023 22:59

So, I’m gonna try keep this short!
I left my ex 5 months ago and we have a boy of nearly 2. My ex was very mentally and emotionally abusive with a history of serious alcohol abuse, amongst many other things! for that reason I have not let him have contact with my son until he goes to court so there are boundaries and rules put in place to keep my son safe.
he has not bothered to do anything legally to see his son, which is fine by me as he never bothered with him when we was together and having him was just about having control over me.
my problem is this, I got on well with his family and they are good people, I made it clear to my ex that I would never stop his family seeing our son and would facilitate in our son having a relationship with the rest of the family as much as I could (like meet up with his brother and his kids so the kids can still have a relationship) They have my number and they are on my Facebook but nobody has bothered to contact me at all, but knowing what a manipulative pathological liar my ex is, who likes to play victim, I’m sure he’s made me the bad person and probably told them I’m keeping our son from the whole family. Nobody in his family know the real him and are completely unaware of anything that’s happened (he’s a completely different person around them). If I didn’t have our son then i wouldn’t care what they thought of me but if my ex is lying to them and they won’t come near me because they think I’m the problem then it’s damaging the relationship my son could still have with the rest of the family. I’ve had people tell me to message them but Ive also had people tell me not to bother as it says a lot about them if they can’t get in touch! But I know he’s probably manipulating and lying to them!
so I’m interested to know others opinions!
do I contact them? Do I leave it? Or maybe I’m being unrealistic to think I could still have a relationship with them for the sake of my son when I’m stopping his dad from seeing him?

OP posts:

LadyHester · 03/10/2023 23:01

Don’t cut your child off from his grandparents if they are basically decent people.

Blueeyedmale · 03/10/2023 23:03

I would leave it OP if they cared they would have been in touch you don't owe or need to explain anything to them

user1492757084 · 03/10/2023 23:05

No harm will come of you contacting the family. Though I would make an informative communication once and then agree not to discuss their son again.
Just consentrating on a positive relationship for your son is the direction I would go.
At worst they will not want contact but will at least have your contact details and permission to send a note to their grandchild in future.

ShineBright1209 · 03/10/2023 23:19

I’m in a similar situation. I made sure contact was kept for nearly 3 years but when I decided that I was going to step back and leave it on them to ask about the children I realised that they mustn’t really care that much at all. It’s been 6 months since I heard anything off their nana, 3 of my children have had birthdays during this time and haven’t even received a card off any off that side of the family. My 2 oldest have their own phones and no one even bothers to contact them directly either.
The way I look at it now is if they were really interested in seeing them or finding out how they were then they would contact me, I’m not on things like Facebook so they can’t even see what’s happening in their lives through social media.
Some people will disagree with me not trying to restart a form of contact (my own mums does) but as much as I would never stop them seeing each other I also won’t force people to spend time with my children when they’re clearly not interested.

BananaSlug · 03/10/2023 23:21

I wouldn’t. I have children with my ex and he doesn’t see them, his family have never ever reached out. Even when ex was seeing them they never made any effort so never sent a birthday card Xmas card nothing. If they wanted to they would, even a birthday message etc.

Foxblue · 04/10/2023 09:50

I would, ex could have easily lied and said 'she hates you and says she never wants any of you near her or our child again'
Your child could miss out on years of a relationship unnecessarily over a lie if you don't reach out. Only if it is safe for you to do so, though.

Loubelle70 · 04/10/2023 10:19

I fought tooth and nail to see one of my grandkids...even taking it to court . Kids need good extended family. Im an amazing grandparent.
However i reached out to see my grandchild to no avail a few occasions, i sent presents, cards etc..then i sought mediation which they didnt attend.
If the grandparents really cared...theyd have contacted you tbh. Theres no harm in writing to them , saying even though its ended that they can still see your child...however i would want to be there when contact takes place (play area, park etc)

Safxxx · 04/10/2023 10:30

Maybe contact them once and put it out to them that you are happy for them to see your son and have no problems with them.
Leave the ball in their court to make efforts, if they do good if they don't move on.

TeddyBeans · 04/10/2023 10:36

My ex decided to go no contact with his dad. I decided that my son deserved a relationship with his grandad and got in contact. Was great for a couple of months and then my ex got back in contact and they dropped me like a hot rock. Kay fine they still saw him through my ex so no harm done really.

Don't expect them to give a toss about you - you're not family to them, only your son is their relative. They'll probably drop you the first opportunity they get

Bluela18 · 04/10/2023 10:55

I'd say, seeing as it's been just 5 months , leave it just now. If they want a relationship with your child they will get in touch if they are decent as you say. There is also no harm in a quick message just to say, obviously you and ex are no longer together but they are always welcome in your child's life, then leave it up to them
Although I was in a similar situation, baby's daddy is very uninvolved. Like you I wanted child to still have a relationship with his family so I got them involved. I wish I had never got them involved, the grandma, very demanding of extra time ,competitive with me and allowing daddy to see child on her terms, without telling me, which was very rarely, but confused my child, so many things went on with her, noone knew about. So even though they appear decent, I'd be careful when it involves an uninvolved father too!

Original poster

LouH21 · 04/10/2023 11:54

I am 99% sure he’s lying to them, there is so much to this story, he threatens to commit suicide all the time, is disgustingly verbally abusive, threatens to tell lies about me to have my son taken away. I got social services and the police involved. And I think this is exactly why he’s not bothered with court because he knows I have proof of EVERYTHING and he doesn’t want his family knowing any of this and me proving what a vile human being he is. And the way this man lies to make himself the victim is crazy, so I don’t doubt for one second that he’s not made lies to keep his family away from me so they don’t find out just how vile he is!
it’s our sons birthday in a few weeks, maybe I should wait and see if any of them bother then??

OP posts:

Octonaut4Life · 04/10/2023 12:12

If he has form for lying then I would reach out, be friendly and just say you're happy to facilitate them to have contact with your son if they would like, and then leave it there. If they care then I'm sure they'll get in touch after that

BananaSlug · 04/10/2023 12:16

Hmm given what you’ve said I would be careful about inviting them into your life just my opinion…

HarpieDuJour · 04/10/2023 12:33

There are all sorts of reasons why they may not have made the effort, but if you write to them and give them the chance, they may step up and at least maintain basic-level contact (birthday cards etc). Of course, they may not, or they might try for a while and then let contact slide. But at least you will know that you did what you could.

I also think it might be useful in the future to have a way of proving to your child that you tried to maintain contact with his paternal relatives.

BoohooWoohoo · 04/10/2023 12:39

Don't contact them.

Yes, he's probably lying but trying to prove your side could create more trouble for you from ex. Do you want threats and more abuse from him?

Some families would take his side because it's easier that way or because they wouldn't cut off an abuser.

Your best case scenario in this case is that he disappears and you get to live the rest of your life away from his abuse. The worst case scenario is that his family see your proof but side with him anyway. They tell him what you've been saying and he comes after you nastier than ever, taking child 50% of the time and poisoning him against you or even abusing him too. You need to play the smart game.

Flip