Midlife crisis of your spouse after affair, divorce, 9 years on, vindication

[millymog11]

i just need to tell someone 9 year on
10 October 2014 my ex husband left me for a work colleague and every kind of destruction of our marriage and our family (two kids aged 4 and 5 at the time) followed.
Almost 9 years on to the day am happy to report i am in a much better place, living in our own house happily with my two kids now teenagers, settled, feel at peace.
Today I saw on social media undeniable evidence that my ex husbands wife (the woman he left me for) is now being described as the "girlfriend" and "better half" of another unrelated man, confirming a few months of suspicion that my ex husbands new marriage was in trouble.
In some ways I feel devastated again for my own two children but also for the 4 year old son of his new marriage who will experience divorce of his parents.

But today is a day I thought would eventually come as my marriage was trashed by cheating and an affair, and eventually the foundations of that relationship crumbled. Dr Shirley Glass was right, it is 4.5 years since their marriage in march 2019 and now it is over.
https://www.infidelityhelpgroup.com/2012/12/12/shirley-glass-infidelity/

My own kids will have to face their Dad being single again though so that will be then next bit of instability.

I dont really expect any replies I just wanted to get it out, thankyou for listening.

Congratulations on moving forwards despite everything you have been through! It must have been hellish at the time and I’m sure there were times you thought you’d never come out the other side.

Don’t waste another thought on your ex or his future. Whatever has happened is of his own making. Continue your own journey and be happy with your freedom from the drama.

I wish you well.

Thanks Jane
I really appreciate your reply. I am off to sleep now, thanks for your response (you are right!) xx

Just here to say what you are too nice a person to say.
I’m really glad it went wrong for him 🍻

You come across as a very empathetic person op, in that you feel for the little half brother of your dc. The little boy will be ok, in time, just as your dc are now.

You deserve every happiness as do your dc.

The pair of them threw a grenade into your life, and into the lives of your little dc's.

You are now in a great place, happy, dc are happy and his life has now gone to shit.
Its ok to feel like doing a little happy dance at that. I know I would! Aside from the obvious wrecking of his other little childs life, but thats not your responsibility.
Yeah, i'd be inwardly smiling at him now being in that position. So shoot me. It would feel satisfying to know he may be feeling, even a fraction, of the shit he put me through.
Is it smugness? I don't know. I think of myself as a good person, but theres obviously something in there because I know i'd be thinking 'Ha! Take that then you cheating piece of shit', and then carry on happily with my life, possibly delighted in the knowledge that he is quite likely now miserable.
I don't think that would make a bad person though. Just a human one.

Thanks Bookworm20 · Today 09:52
you put it perfectly.

I have no idea what he is thinking/feeling because we do not communicate at all reallly apart from the very occasional painful conversation about our children.
The fact that he could walk away from me and our kids without even one backward glance or conversation made me think over the years he is not like other people (or certainly not like me) so if i found out he felt nothing and was not sad about the breakdown of this his second marriage (yes they got married) part of me would not be surprised.
He lives more than an hours drive away so I don't ever bump into him.

Its not my problem tho apart from only the extent to which it affects my kids.
Thanks for posting tho.

I'm sure your kids are starting to get the measure of him and will cope ok with him being single (and the next fuck up he gets into for a few years).

It's very kind of you to think of his child with his AP/stbex.

Why is anyone supposed to be a perfect, saintly martyr when seeing this from two people who mistreated them and their kids very badly.... I'd be laughing under my breath for weeks, people in the street would probably think I was a lunatic, I'd be so prone to bursting into spontaneous smiles and laughter.

" I'd be so prone to bursting into spontaneous smiles and laughter."

This made me smile!
I am no saint, I have not put my life on hold but I am not going to lie, I have at times over the last 9 years longed for this day. Less because of here-is-a-taste-of-your-own-medicine, and more (and this is personal to me I realise, not everyone will react like this) because for a very very long time I thought "what was wrong with me? what is wrong with these two beautiful children I am crazy about?" (obviously i never articulated it out loud, especially not the bit about our children, its more to do with the fact that I love them with quite a soppy i feel so lucky to be your mum type thing and he is the opposite).

I felt this in particular when they had their child, I find it totally impossible to understand that he could be a full time dad to his new child but not to our children which I realise is quite twisted and wrong thinking so again I did not speak this outloud.

I guess the breakdown of their relationship just confirms to me what I was until now unsure about "Is this other woman all that I am not, is she perfect? are they blissfully happy? is he now happy in a way he never was with me".

Now I have my answer to all that - evidently not.

I think, even when cheaters stay with their APs. (as partners or wives) it's not remotely a sure thing that they're happy and they feel differently and she's better in any way.

Even cheaters are aware of how they look to their family, acquaintances, the community etc and that once (leaving a wife and children) could be dismissed as "not right person"; twice won't be .... Twice is enough for it to be a pattern, and for them to look flaky and like "the problem".

They also realise that this relationship has the same or another set of problems and that they've gotten past the honeymoon period in this relationship, and that the lust is waning in this relationship etc etc ... And that it's likely to happen in any relationship. So there's no point in leaving, again.

So it's a v good thing, you've gotten this vindication, but even if you hadn't ... But even if they'd never split, it didn't mean they were happy/well suited/it was better/it was worth cheating on and walking out on a his first wife and kids for.

He's clearly a fool.

It's a good things your kids have you.

"Even cheaters are aware of how they look to their family, acquaintances, the community etc and that once (leaving a wife and children) could be dismissed as "not right person"; twice won't be .... Twice is enough for it to be a pattern, and for them to look flaky and like "the problem"."

This puts it beautifully.

I have been criticised for staying single over the last 9 years. I admit I am horribly confused about what is a "good" person and what red flags look like, have had a few opportunties which I have bailed on pretty quickly and the man looks a bit confused about my indecision but its only a few dates so no one hurt. I also admit part of me cannot be arsed with it now a days, call me lazy!

Anyway, my ex father in law had at least 3 long term (at least 10 years) relationships the second and third on an overlapping basis (i.e. my exhusbands mother, who he cheated on for woman 2 who he then cheated on for woman 3), so although I have no information at all if i find out my ex husband moves/has moved onto someone new he certainly has a role model to do that.

I don't think he would care even the tiniest bit what people think of him, not anyone in his family, none of his friends hinting he has a pattern going on - I don't think he will even give it a second thought. Obviously I took relationships and our marriage in particular way too seriously!! (joking but you get what I mean).

"So it's a v good thing, you've gotten this vindication, but even if you hadn't ... But even if they'd never split, it didn't mean they were happy/well suited/it was better/it was worth cheating on and walking out on a his first wife and kids for."

I agree with this.

Its the kind of thing you know on a rational level, it has to be right, the chances of you ending up with someone very well suited to you in all ways as a result of an affair has to be very slim.
It the emotional bit tho of seeing it going wrong, even from a distance. The fact that there are 3 innocent children is unforgiveable tho.

I think once we get beyond the idea that a partner for life isn’t the end all and be all, these things are easier to conceptualise and accept.

A couple can be compatible and work very well for many years, and then grow in different directions, that doesn’t make either of them bad people.

After a few breakups (not marriages and no children involved), I’ve come to the conclusion people come along in our lives in different phases of life, and it may be that we need different things at different stages… for example, to grossly simplify - we need sandles for summer and boots for winter… wearing each one for the inappropriate season wouldn’t work.

Those who find life long compatible love are very very lucky, and probably not the majority. Relationships can absolutely be like trial and error, what we want and need develops and changes over time.

As for cheaters, they deserve whatever they get, that’s not a grown up smart person.

Still time for him to create more children then, oh dear.

The pot reduces.

The pot of his attention reduces for sure.
So relieved that we are totally financially independent of him

Sounds like his life is going to keep going round in a circle, history repeating itself again and again.

Glad you got out OP.

Like previous posters, I’d be delighted that the grass didn’t prove to be greener at all. It always fascinates me that people think it might be when they are still them!

Affairs cause so much pain, and there you found yourself 9 years ago dealing with unwelcome consequences of someone else's infidelity.

I've no doubt it took years to recover and pivot into the new life that was thrust upon you.

All the worse that he swanned off to marry the person he had an affair with.

There's no shame in finding comfort that his choices didn't turn out to be his happy ever after. Have a little laugh, pour yourself a cocktail. Allow yourself a little ride around the block on the karma bus.

You bloody earned it.

Then carry on enjoying your new life, which sounds fantastic.

thanks LemonyTicket · Today 16:11 for your kind and perceptive words x

There really ought to be another section in the card ailse at Clintons.

Congratulations on ruining another woman's life 😘